Bad Review Revue


April 03, 2009

The Bad Review Revue

Confessions of a Shopaholic: "If there is a single bright spot in the financial crisis, it is the possibility that one day producer Jerry Bruckheimer will run out of money." -- Jessica Reaves, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Paul Blark: Mall Cop: "Looks like something stubbed out in an ashtray." - Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: "Proving that there's no statute of limitations on lousy ideas, director Andrzej Bartkowiakï's attempted franchise expansion returns to the Capcom motherlode that produced the worst movie in the entire Jean-Claude Van Damme filmography." -- Jim Ridley, VILLAGE VOICE

Miss March: "A sex comedy that appears to have been made by people who've never actually had sex." -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

Push: "Never stops finding new ways to make no sense." -- Cliff Doerksen, CHICAGO READER

Pink Panther 2: Honestly, I don't think any review, no matter how negative, could deter you from seeing this film more than this image:

November 07, 2008

The Bad Review Revue

An America Carol: "About as not-funny as a comedy can get." -- Steven Rea, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

The Women: "It's not every movie that makes you wish Vin Diesel would run in and start blowing up stuff ... " -- Rene Rodriguez, MIAMI HERALD

My Best Friend's Girl: "An ugly, strictly-for-meatheads comedy that can only be recommended to couples who wear matching Tie Domi Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys out on a date." Stephen Cole, THE GLOBE AND MAIL

Saw V: "It's not a good sign when watching someone stick their hand into a table saw is easier than listening to them recite dialogue." -- Sam Adams, LOS ANGELES TIMES

Eagle Eye: "Forget suspending disbelief; you would have to suspend consciousness to go along with this story." -- Tom Maurstad

Fly Me To the Moon: "Makes South Park look like Fantasia. -- Rafer Guzman, NEWSDAY

September 26, 2008

The Bad Review Revue

College: "The film hasn't been made so much as excreted. " -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

Disaster Movie: "This carpet-fouling mongrel of a movie no more deserves release than do anthrax spores." -- Jim Ridley, LA WEEKLY

Babylon A.D.: "An abysmal French thriller in which everyone speaks as if they've learned their lines phonetically." -- Elizabeth Weitzman

Righteous Kill: "A cop flick with all the drama of Law and Order: AARP." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Space Chimps: "Sucks a whole lot of talented people into a wormhole of lousy." -- Michael Phillips, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Star Wars: The Clone Wars: "A continuation of Lucas' experiments to see how much shit his dwindling supporters will take before finally saying 'enough' and moving on to adult pursuits." -- Pete Vonder Haar, FILM THREAT

June 30, 2008

The Bad Review Revue

College Road Trip: "Phi beta crappa." -- David Hiltbrand, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

Made of Honor: "Director Paul Weiland and the three (!) screenwriters it took to boil down thousands of bad movies into 101 minutes haven't provided this one with a single original thought; it should only entertain those still getting adjusted to the idea of talkies." -- Robert Wilonsky, VILLAGE VOICE

The Happening: "You feel like you're not watching the end of the world but the end of a career." -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

Speed Racer: "This toxic admixture of computer-generated frenzy and live-action torpor succeeds in being, almost simultaneously, genuinely painful -- the esthetic equivalent of needles in eyeballs -- and weirdly benumbing, like eye candy laced with lidocaine." -- Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

The Love Guru: "The most joy-draining 88 minutes I've ever spent outside a hospital waiting room. " -- Dana Stevens SLATE

What Happens in Vegas: "New York strangers meet and marry in Vegas and find their annulment delayed when he hits a $3 million jackpot on the slots using her quarter. If you don't see where this is going, you've never seen a movie. Sorry it had to be this one." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden?: "Morgan Spurlock is a living, breathing cautionary tale. Take a good, long look, kids: This is what happens when society validates really annoying people." -- Jessica Reaves, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

April 25, 2008

The Bad Review Revue

Deception: "A nonprescription alternative to Ambien." -- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

88 Minutes: "Will be hard-pressed to last much longer than its title in theaters before doing time on DVD." -- Michael Rechtshaffen, THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

Never Back Down: "Speeds up and slows down as though controlled by a director in the grip of competing medications." -- Jeannette Catsoulis, THE NEW YORK TIMES

Superhero Movie: "Writer/director Craig Mazin took the screenplay for Spider-Man, propped it up next to his MacBook, and just went through it, inserting fart gags, pratfalls and the lamest of jokes." -- Peter Howell, TORONTO STAR

College Road Trip: "Better than most Martin Lawrence movies, much as strep throat is better than malaria." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

10,0000 BC: "Apocalypto for pussies." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

February 08, 2008

The Bad Review Revue: The Siege of Paris

Critics are raving over The Hottie and the Nottie!

"Preposterous, disingenuous, remarkably unfunny and genuinely distasteful." -- Maitland McDonagh, TV GUIDE

"Crass, shrill, disingenuous, tawdry, mean-spirited, vulgar, idiotic, boring, slapdash, half-assed, and very, very unfunny." -- Nathan Lee, VILLAGE VOICE

"It's not like Paris Hilton to rise above her material, but The Hottie and the Nottie sinks so low that all she has to do is stand upright." -- Sam Adams, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"'This movie hates women' is written over and over in my notebook, but that's not quite fair. This movie hates unattractive women." -- Suzanne Condie Lambert, ARIZONA REPUBLIC

"Great actors make the craft look easy. In this Paris Hilton comedy, acting looks very, very difficult." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

"How bad is this feature from deservedly unknown director Tom Putnam? How's this?: It's a blot on Paris Hilton's dignity." -- Andy Klein, LOS ANGELES CITYBEAT

"Heidi Ferrer's screenplay...succeeds at just one thing: trumpeting one of the most anti-feminist messages in recent film history." -- Jessica Reaves, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

"This pea-brained vanity production..." -- Nell Minow, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

"This gross-out-on-camera ... " -- Rex Reed, NEW YORK OBSERVER

"This tasteless train wreck ..." -- Jeannette Catsoulis, THE NEW YORK TIMES

"This comedy abomination ..." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

"Imagine the worst movie you've ever seen. Got it? Now try to think of something worse. That something is this movie." -- Connie Ogle, MIAMI HERALD

Current Rotten Tomatoes composite score: 7%.

February 01, 2008

The Bad Review Revue

Meet the Spartans: "Hey, guys, when you repurpose a disco hit to poke fun at gay men, not only do you look like assholes, you look like assholes who rip their jokes off of YouTube." -- Kimberley Jones, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Hitman: "Like watching someone stupid play a bad video game." -- Shawn Levy, PORTLAND OREGONIAN

Strange Wilderness: "The funniest part of Strange Wilderness is the trailer for Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay that's running before it." -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

One Missed Call: "If your cell phone vibrates while you're watching One Missed Call, go ahead and answer, because even a wrong number will be more exciting than what's happening onscreen." -- Chuck Wilson, LA WEEKLY

Over Her Dead Body: "Is to romantic comedy what Spam is to meat." -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

December 07, 2007

The Bad Review Revue

Fred Claus: "There is more plot in the average Geico commercial." Kyle Smith, New York Post

August Rush: "Plays more to the gag reflex than to the heart." -- Desson Thomson, WASHINGTON POST

Hitman: "One of the best movies ever made from a video game ... which doesn't provide you with very much information. That's like declaring the best meal you've eaten at a strip club, or the best love ballad by Kenny Loggins." -- Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

Awake: "Has more holes in it than a tea bag." -- Bruce Demara, Toronto Star

Southland Tales: "After I saw the first cut of Kelly's Southland Tales at Cannes 2005, I was dazed, confused, bewildered, bored, affronted and deafened by the boos all around me... now here is the director's cut, which is 20 minutes shorter, lops off a couple of characters and a few of the infinite subplots, and is even more of a mess. I recommend that Kelly keep right on cutting until he whittles it down to a ukulele pick." -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

November 02, 2007

The Bad Review Revue

The Comebacks: "Probably the worst movie that's sludged across my professional eyeballs." -- Gregory Kirschling , ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

Saw IV: "As edgy as a rubber knife." -- Scott Schueller, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

The Ten Commandment: "Thou shalt not cast Christian Slater as Moses, no matter how much the Hollywood party boy wants to fulfill some form of karmic community service." -- John Monaghan, DETROIT FREE PRESS

Sarah Landon and the Paranormal Hour: "Beset by bad lighting, limited visual imagination and acting so wooden it might have termites." -- John Anderson, VARIETY

Rush Hour 3: "Rush Hour was acceptable. It was to Rush Hour 2 what McDonald's is to White Castle. Rush Hour 2 is to Rush Hour 3 what White Castle is to cat food." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

October 05, 2007

The Bad Review Revue

Hot Rod: "Started to go bad about the time someone in casting said, 'You know what? I'll bet America is just about ready for the comedy stylings of Sissy Spacek.'" -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Good Luck Chuck: "A comedy so lame its plot could've been swiped from a Bazooka Joe wrapper." -- Chris Nashawaty, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

Dragon wars: "Some of the most ambitious crap I've ever seen." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

The Invasion: "Made by the kind of beings the first three Body Snatchers movies warned us against." -- Gene Seymour, NEWSDAY

The Last Legion: "We can only hope that the title of this misbegotten swords-and-sandals adventure is prophetic." -- Frank Scheck, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

The Game Plan: "Generic to the point where it might be called Sport-Themed Disney Girly Movie All Rights Reserved." --Geoff Pevere, TORONTO STAR

September 14, 2007

The Bad Review Revue

License To Wed: "There's bad, there's awful and there's horrible, and then somewhere beyond that, in its own Kingdom of Lousy -- where all the milk curdles and the jokes aren't funny -- is License to Wed." -- Mick LaSalle, SAN FRANCSCO CHRONICLE

The Brothers Solomon: "The not-funniest comedy of the year." -- Michael Phillips, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Death Sentence: "Kevin Bacon's performance is six degrees of ham." -- Jack Mathews, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

War: "What is it good for? Absolutely nothing." -- Jim Ridley, LA WEEKLY

Daddy Day Camp: "Has an amazing amount of CGI - Cuba Gooding Incompetence." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

August 10, 2007

The Bad Review Revue: Skanks A Million

Critics are raving over Bratz!

"Not that I was expecting much out of a movie based on a line of dolls, but ..." -- Richard Roeper, EBERT & ROEPER

"OMG! This movie is SO BAD! I can't believe I just spent an hour and a half of my life, like, watching it, when I could have been totally trying on hairbands!" -- Amy Biancolli, HOUSTON CHRONICLE

"As for Jon Voight's presence as the school's principal, one can only assume his Oscar statue is shedding actual tears." -- Elizabeth Weitzman, DAILY NEWS

"Offers supporting evidence that any film in which 'Awesome!' gets uttered more than three times should get a NC-17 rating, regardless of all the benefits such a move would deny the hair-extension industry." -- John Anderson, VARIETY

"I could actually feel my brain stem shrivel up as I watched it." -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

"To the Bratz, individualism is only cool as long as it doesn't require unfashionable pants." -- Jeannette Catsoulis, THE NEW YORK TIMES

"On the wrong side side of the so-bad-it's-good line." -- John Anderson, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"Doesn't have an idea in its head but still screams at the top of its lungs." -- Jonathan Rosenbaum, CHICAGO READER

"Bratz celebrates something even more important than good grades or good friends: the vital acquisition of totally awesome shoes." -- Connie Ogle, MIAMI HERALD

"Will rot your child's mind, drain her soul and likely encourage early Botox dependency." -- Tom Long, DETROIT NEWS

Also: "Even Lindsay Lohan's mug shot was made with more skill than this bottom-of-the-barrel B-movie." Technically this is from a review of I Know Who Killed Me, but lumping Lohan in with the Bratz seems thematically appropriate. Thanks to Daniel for the tip.

June 08, 2007

The Bad Review Revue

Mr. Brooks: "Has more tonal shifts than a Philip Glass concert." -- Michael Booth, DENVER POST

Ocean's Thirteen: "Why put so much sheen on a movie that warrants and provokes nothing more than mild diversion? It's like serving sloppy joes on fine china." -- Chris Vognar, Dallas Morning News

Firehouse Dog: "The lesson to be learned is that just because we can use computer technology to give dogs goofy faces, that doesn't mean we should." --Marrit Ingman, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Delta Face: "If you're hungry for comical interpretations of an errant war, may I suggest any episode of M*A*S*H--or, indeed, any episode of Fox News." -- Michael Harris, GLOBE AND MAIL

I'm Reed Fish: "Like being forced to read the diary of a dull-witted teen who is breathlessly beginning a lifelong fascination with himself." --Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Miriam: "So bad it doesn't ever approach being good, doesn't even go from bad to good and back to bad again--just bad bad bad, all the way through." -- Charles Petersen , VILLAGE VOICE

May 04, 2007

The Bad Review Revue

Wild Hogs: "Does for comedies what Exxon did for Prince William Sound." -- Pete Vonder Haar, Film Threat

Are We Done Yet?: "Remarkable only for the fact that its star [Ice Cube] was ever once actually considered a threat to civic stability. If movies came any safer than this, they'd be given honourary police citations for keeping the peace." -- Geoff Pevere, TORONTO STAR

Pathfinder: "Makes Conan the Barbarian seem like Dostoyevsky in its complexity. " --Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

The Invisible: "It probably seemed layered and complex when the writers were stoned. " -- Luke Y. Thompson, LA Weekly

Slow Burn: "Nothing is what it seems ... unless it seems cheesy." --Kyle Smith , NEW YORK POST

And, because Kyle Smith was on a roll this week, Lucky You: "An announcer calling a climactic poker match uses a Texas hold 'em term frequently, saying, 'And the flop. And the flop. And the flop.' Heck, this movie reviews itself." -- Kyle Smith , NEW YORK POST

March 30, 2007

The Bad Review Revue

Black Snake Moan: "Maybe [Samuel L.] Jackson should avoid any more movies with 'snake' in the title." -- Peter Rainer, CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR

I Think I Love My Wife: "Attaching Chris Rock to I Think I Love My Wife is like chaining a Kentucky Derby winner to the merry-go-round in a petting zoo." -- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER

300: "Should have been called Ode to a Grecian Ab." -- Michael Phillips, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Arthur and the Invisibles: "This kids' cartoon from France is such a surreally demented attempt to connect with children that it's the equivalent of foie gras breakfast cereal or a bleu cheese milkshake." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

The Hills Have Eyes II: "The only folks jumping out of their seats were the ones going for a drink refill." -- Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

Premonition: "I have a strong premonition I'm about to give this movie a big thumbs down." -- Richard Roeper, EBERT & ROEPER, AT THE MOVIES

March 02, 2007

The Bad Review Revue

The Hitcher: "All thumbs." -- Desson Thomson, WASHINGTON POST

The Messengers: "A screenplay that has the sophistication and complexity of a college dorm message board." -- Tirdad Derakhshani, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

Epic Movie: "Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer must be stopped. For the last two years, this filmmaking team has created a series of spoof movies so feeble, shoddy and unfunny that they may be part of a diabolical, Manchurian Candidate-like plot to stunt the intellectual development of American adolescents." -- Jason Anderson, THE GLOBE AND MAIL

Because I Said So: "Not so much phoned in as it is auto-dialed with a text-to-speech prerecorded message in one of those creepy robotic voices." -- Carina Chocano, LOS ANGELES TIMES

Norbit: "If I thought hijacking a plane carrying prints of the film and crashing it into [Eddie] Murphy's house would put a stop to it, I'd go out and buy a box cutter right now." -- Pete Vonder Haar, FILM THREAT

Blood and Chocolate: "Werewolf flick that seems to have used up its entire special-effects budget on canine contact lenses." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Ghost Rider: "All the sugar-injected horsepower of a 6-year-old on a Big Wheel. " -- Marc Savlov, Austin Chronicle

The Number 23: "Grips hold of one stupid idea and runs so far with it, in so many directions, to such little purpose, that it nearly won me over from sheer berserkoid effort." -- Nathan Lee, VILLAGE VOICE

January 12, 2007

The Bad Review Revue

School for Scoundrels: "Is to the multiplex what bagged spinach is to the produce aisle." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Happily N'Ever After: "The best that can be said of this charmless animated picture is that whether or not it ends happily -- an outcome you're unlikely to give a hoot about -- it does, happily, end." -- Ruthe Stein, San Francisco Chronicle

The Holiday: "Like her namesake, Meyers has quite a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A." -- Scott Foundas, VILLAGE VOICE

Unaccompanied Minors: "The situations are so contrived they make SpongeBob Squarepants seem like a nature documentary." -- John Anderson, NEWSDAY

Thr3e: "R3ally, r3ally aw4ul." -- Phil Villarreal, Arizona Daily Star

December 01, 2006

The Bad Review Revue

Sunkissed: "When a movie aspires to be gay pornography but can't even manage that, well, you know you've got a bad movie." -- Neil Genzlinger, THE NEW YORK TIMES

The Return: "Although it's being advertised as a horror movie, The Return actually invents a new genre: the bore-or movie." -- Chris Hewitt, St. Paul Pioneer Press

The Santa Clause 3: "It boggles the mind that Saddam Hussein and assorted cohorts have finally won their rightful place in the global noose while various and sundry villains associated with this third entry in the Santa Claus franchise of flaccidly feel-good, winter nostrums will no doubt be allowed to walk the Earth with nary a qualm nor backward glance." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

A Good Year: "A leaden attempt at an upbeat romp from the downcast, feel-bad tag team of actor Russell Crowe and director Ridley Scott, the movie is like hearing a knock-knock joke told by a mortician." -- Sean Burns, PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

Deck the Halls: "Can be described as whatever is the opposite of a Christmas classic." -- David Hiltbrand, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

October 27, 2006

The Bad Review Revue

School for Scoundrels : "To call it slight is to slight the word 'slight.'" -- David Elliott, SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE

Man of the Year: "Many actors were paid to pretend Williams is still funny." -- Chris Hewitt, ST. PAUL PIONEER PRESS

Employee of the Month: "It's simply too depressing that people sat in a boardroom, read this script and said, 'We're ready to go!'" -- David Gilmour, GLOBE AND MAIL

One Night With The King: "Dear Lord, why must Your most ardent followers unleash such bad movies in Your name?" -- Josh Bell, LAS VEGAS WEEKLY

Flyboys: "If the current legroom in economy class doesn't make you resent the birth of the Wright Brothers, Flyboys certainly will." -- Michael Booth, DENVER POST

The Grudge 2: "Likely to induce deja vu. Not the cool, eerie deja vu, but the 'Hey, isn't that exactly what happened in the first movie?' deja vu." -- Michael Ordona, LOS ANGELES TIMES

The Covenant: "Movies like this are why we have eyelids." -- Colin Covert, MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE

September 01, 2006

The Bad Review Revue

Trust The Man: "Opening a film with a small child straining on a toilet and talking about poop isnt just a bad idea; its an invitation to unfortunate metaphor." -- Manohla Dargis, New York Times

Zoom: "The director of Zoom is Peter Hewitt, who also directed Garfield. Nothing more to say about that." -- Stephen Williams

Crossover: "The entire movie seems to have about the same budget as a 30-second sneaker commercial. I'm not talking Nike, either. I'm talking a commercial for Steve's Second-Hand Sneaker World and Falafel Emporium that you'd see on NY1 News at 3:08 a.m." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Accepted: "As wild as a sixth-grade prom." -- Rene Rodriguez, MIAMI HERALD

Material Girl: "You'll find yourself longing for the intricate plotting and ensemble acting skills of an Olsen twins movie." --Luke Y. Thompson

John Tucker Must Die: "Whatever the target demographic was in pre-production, now it's limited to sexually active 14-year-olds still retaking the sixth grade." -- Michael Atkinson, VILLAGE VOICE

Beerfest: "If you like to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, you'll probably like this movie. If you're a cognac person, the scene where the great-grandmother performs a sex act on a sausage may not be refined enough for your tastes." -- Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

August 15, 2006

The Bad Review Revue: Special Emergency Edition

The Bad Review Revue is typically a Friday event, but some things simply cannot wait.

Sphere Review
July 21, 2006

The Bad Review Revue

Little Man: "One joke short of being a one-joke film." -- Randy Cordova, ARIZONA REPUBLIC

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest: ""The fool thing just keeps going and going ... and going. Does a Pirates sequel really need to be five minutes longer than GoodFellas? The flick should've felt like a sugary snack, not a hot-dog eating contest." -- Sean Burns, PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

Goal!: "Suffers from a script so outrageously generic you could buy it at Costco." -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

Guernsey: "Of all the modes of modern alienation, there is none so persistent and arbitrary as finding oneself trapped in a glacially paced European art film." -- Nathan Lee, NEW YORK TIMES

Lady In The Water: "It's as if on some semiconscious level, Shyamalan is calling his own success into question and daring his audience to gulp down larger and spikier clusters of manure, just to see if they will. Or he's lost his mind." -- Michael Atkinson, VILLIAGE VOICE

You, Me and Dupree: "Artistically, You, Me and Dupree is a mess. Technically, it's an abomination. Spiritually, it's a void. Commercially, it'll probably be a big hit." -- Ann Hornaday, WASHINGTON POST

June 23, 2006

The Bad Review Revue

Garfield: A Tale Of Two Cities: ""Kids should see Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. It'll help prepare them for a lifetime of mediocre entertainment ahead." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

The Shaggy Dog: "As a comic actor, Tim Allen's palette is limited to varying degrees of beige." -- Ann Hornaday, WASHINGTON POST

Waist Deep: "Hall writes and directs with the finesse of a rusty hatchet." -- Michael Sragow, BALTIMORE SUN

Click: "So much like the Jim Carrey vehicle Bruce Almighty -- Steve Koren and Mark O'Keefe worked on both -- the writers could sue themselves for plagiarism and then write a screenplay about it." -- Michael Phillips, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

See No Evil: "Shallow as a toilet bowl and twice as rank as its usual contents." -- Nick Schager, Slant Magazine

May 19, 2006

The Bad Review Revue

American Dreamz: "The jokes don't just fizzle into insignificance; they flop about with gaudy ineffectualness, gasping for air like newly landed trout." Manohla Dargis, NEW YORK TIMES

Date Movie: "Rated PG-13 because 13 is the maximum age of those who might find it funny." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Failure To Launch: "Apocalyptically awful romantic comedy." -- Stephen Rea, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

RV: "The downwardly spiraling career trajectories of Robin Williams and director Barry Sonnenfeld intertwine like the ropes of a tangled parachute, and all the helpless viewer can do is look on aghast as the whole abortive fiasco plummets toward Earth." -- John Patterson, LA WEEKLY

Scary Movie 4: "Worse than Scary Movies 1 through 3. And they were terrible." -- Kim Newman, EMPIRE

The Da Vinci Code: "Ron Howard's adaptation of Dan Brown's best-selling primer on how not to write an English sentence ... is one of the few screen versions of a book that may take longer to watch than to read." -- A.O. Scott, NEW YORK TIMES Anil is right -- you should read the whole thing.

April 07, 2006

The Bad Review Revue

Benchwarmers: "Aimed at second-graders and anyone else who thinks farts are still funny."

Final Destination 3: "There's nothing fresh or off-beat in Final Destination 3, no talent that is struggling to get out. The only thing struggling to get out was me from the theater." -- Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor

Stay Alive: "Stay Alive has none of the vicarious thrills of, say, 'Konami: Silent Hill 2.' It's barely even Pong unplugged." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Doogal: "It'd take more than potentially lethal amounts of alcohol to make this derivative trash endurable. " -- Nathan Rabin, THE ONION AV CLUB.

Basic Instinct 2: "The accidental comedy sensation of the year!" -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

March 10, 2006

Shirk The Violet

Today is my birthday, and it looks like Sony Pictures has sent me a gift.

"Warns someone: 'Don't overthink it.' Sage advice for anyone masochistic enough to watch this pile of poorly pixelated vampire poo. Yet it's impossible to take: Crank your brain to its lowest possible idle and you'll still overthink Ultraviolet. " -- Scott Brown, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY.

"Unscreened for critics and unfit for consumption. " --Jack Mathews, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

"In opening voiceover, a superhuman killing machine named Violet warns the viewer, 'I was born into a world you may not understand.' Boy hidee, she ain’t kidding ..." -- Kimberley Jones, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

"Ultrastupid, ultra-incoherent, ultrasilly - and way, way ultraboring." -- Lou Lumenick, New York Post

"A film to be enjoyed only by science-fiction movie completists and middle school boys with extreme cases of attention deficit disorder." -- Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

"Her sword is red, her eyes are blue and her movie is horrible." -- Lisa Rose, Star-Ledger

"Uwe Boll would be proud ..." -- James Berardinelli, ReelViews

Current score at Rotten Tomatoes: 8%.

March 06, 2006

Panning The Gold

The Bad Review Revue is vacationing over at The Morning News today.

February 10, 2006

The Bad Review Revue

When A Stranger Calls "Long distance information? Get me Hollywood, USA: I’ve got a rusty ice pick to bury in the gullet of whoever greenlighted this pointless exercise in masturbatory tedium." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

The Pink Panther: "The Pink Panther ees, how you say, ze real dog. " -- Ann Hornaday, WASHINGTON POST

Annapolis: "It is the anti-Sundance film, an exhausted wheeze of bankrupt cliches and cardboard characters, the kind of film that has no visible reason for existing, except that everybody got paid." -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

Film Geek: "You'd be better off spending an evening with the collected works of Rob Schneider. " -- Elizabeth Weitzman, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Firewall:"Instead of dramatic tension, Firewall makes do with a lot of frantic typing at computer keyboards. It's like watching Microsoft's Service Pack 2 download for nearly two hours." -- Bruce Newman, SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS

Underworld: Evolution: "Evolution doesn't have a shred of intelligent design." -- Ben Kenigsberg, VILLAGE VOICE

January 06, 2006

The Bad Review Revue

BloodRayne: "[Director Uwe] Boll is the best at what he does. And what he does is make truly terrible films." -- Elizabeth Weitzman, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Cheaper By The Dozen 2: "Noisy, silly, gratingly upbeat, and piously sentimental, Cheaper by the Dozen 2 is what passes for wholesome family entertainment these days. It's the sort of movie to send small children and grandparents out of the theater hugging each other and strong men in search of bourbon." -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

Rumor Has It: "I suppose Rumor Has It could be worse, though at the moment I'm at a loss to say just how." -- A. O. Scott, NEW YORK TIMES

Grandma's Boy: "Lacking so much as a shred of wit and crammed with more product placements than jokes, this unendurable stoner comedy clearly disproves the movie-formula wisdom that two guys, one Xbox and a 2-foot-long bong add up to something funny." -- Ken Fox, TV GUIDE

Aeon Flux: "If Aeon Flux is what Charlize Theron does to pay the bills while otherwise being engaged in Monster and North Country, it's probably a reasonable price to pay. For her, I mean. For us? No, no, no." -- John Anderson, Los Angeles Times

November 25, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

The Legend of Zorro: "Not only stupid and boring but -- ta-da! -- also really long!" -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

Rent: "Commodified faux bohemia on a platter, eliciting the same kind of numbing soul-sadness as children's beauty pageants, tiny dogs in expensive boots, and Mahatma Gandhi in Apple ads" -- Carina Chocano, LOS ANGELES TIMES

Saw II: "I'd rather try standing drunk on a see-saw than see Saw." -- Mike Clark, USA TODAY

Derailed: "Semi-alert Owen and the leaden Aniston go together like sausages and syrup." (I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's negative.) -- Lawrence Toppman, Charlotte Observer

Doom: "Like visiting Vegas and never leaving your hotel room." -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

Get Rich Or Die Tryin': "It ain't rich. It's just tryin'." -- Ann Hornaday, WASHINGTON POST

October 28, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

Dukes of Hazzard: "The less said about Jessica Simpson's performance the better. From the neck down she fulfills all the requirements, but, honestly, I think General Lee might do a better job with the dialogue." -- Connie Ogle [ha!], MIAMI HERALD

cry_wolf: "These tropes have already been recycled enough to make Greenpeace proud." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Stay: "[Director] Marc Forster takes a maximalist approach to this mumbo jumbo, which means that in addition to lots of wacky angles, shiny surfaces, seemingly endless stairs, and sets of twins, triplets and quadruplets, he deploys the unsettling vision of three talented actors - Ewan McGregor, Naomi Watts and Ryan Gosling - straining credulity and neck tendons in the service of serious claptrap." -- Manohla Dargis, NEW YORK TIMES

Domino: "The movie is trash shot to look like art imitating trash." -- Owen Gleiberman, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

Brothers Grimm: "Easily the ugliest film Gilliam's ever made, a movie shot with a lens someone forgot to wipe. It's also his loudest: Every scene is amped up to 11, and every line of dialogue is delivered as though it's a cry for help from the bottom of the well." -- Robert Winsonsky, DALLAS OBSERVER

Waiting: "Geared to 16-year-olds who can't name the governor of their state. " -- Mike Clark, USA TODAY

September 30, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

Venom: "All hopes for suspense and plot twists are snuffed out about as quickly as the film's black characters. " -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

The Man: "Plays like a sequel to some terrible movie that was mercifully destroyed before it was ever released. " -- Kevin Crust, LOS ANGELES TIMES

The Great Raid: "A steadily mounting series of pesky nonevents paced with all the frenetic, action-packed verve of a wounded lawn sprinkler." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Must Love Dogs: "It's somehow fitting that this purported romantic comedy about dating is, like most dates, clumsy, endless, and absolutely excruciating." -- Sara Brady, PREMIERE

Dark Water: "Wildly overproduced and filled with fussy flourishes that make even a derelict hallway look like a million bucks." -- Manohla Dargis, THE NEW YORK TIMES

September 02, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

Stealth: "A great time at the movies for anyone who has recently undergone a frontal lobotomy." -- James Berardinelli, REELVIEWS

Underclassman: "Once in a great while -- usually late August -- a movie comes along that's so lame, it doesn't deserve a bad review. It deserves a war-crimes tribunal. Ladies and gentlemen, Underclassman is that special film." --M. E. Russell, PORTLAND OREGONIAN

Supercross: "The most amazing fact about Supercross is that it took three people to write it. Two chimpanzees with a typewriter could have done just as good a job." -- Chris kaltenbach, BALTIMORE SUN

Undiscovered: "One of the stupidest visions of the entertainment industry since American Idol opened the celebrity gateway to the dregs of the karaoke generation." -- Bill White, SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER

Sound Of Thunder: "Midway through this train wreck of a film, one of the characters ... says, 'This can't be good.' The entire audience -- what was left of it -- broke out in laughter." -- Paul Clinton, CNN, in a review entitled "Sound of Thunder, smell of garbage" (Thanks, Tim)

August 12, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

I would have to excerpt Roger Ebert's review of Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in its entirety to do it justice, so just go over here and read it.

July 22, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

Rebound: "Starts off bad, then tapers off." -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

Herbie: Fully Loaded: "To damn it as soporific crap, as lazy profiteering, as yet another needless and cynical remake in a season populated by such con artists, would be as pointless as the movie itself." -- Robert Wilonsky, DALLAS OBSERVER

The Fantasic Four: "Directing seems an unduly elegant term for what the Hollywood hack du jour does here." -- Scott Foundas, LA WEEKLY

Mindhunters: "So stupid it makes xXx: State of the Union look like it was written by Nietzsche." -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

Kicking & Screaming: "Not only not funny, it's unfunny. It kills humor. Sit in a room by yourself, look at a blank screen for 90 minutes, and you'll have more of a chance of laughing at your own thoughts than you will at this movie." -- Mick LaSalle, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

The Honeymooners: "It's not as bad as the average Hollywood movie. It's stupendously worse." -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

June 24, 2005

The Bad Review Revue: Burned At The Stake

Critics are enchanted with Bewitched!

"Unrivaled in modern times for smugness, vapidity, and condescension. To spend even 10 minutes in the movie's universe is to experience the Sartrean nausea of an utterly hollow head and heart." -- Michael Atkinson, VILLAGE VOICE

"This hackneyed, hapless and utterly useless redo of an overrated 1960s sitcom is excruciating to sit through for a dozen reasons." -- Robert Wilsonsky, DALLAS OBSERVER

"It sinks so deep and fast, you don't even see bubbles on the surface. " -- Desson Thomson, WASHINGTON POST

"A terrible, terrible movie. Its creators have a swell idea at the core, a wonderful leading lady, and several stalwart comic players in support, and they make of all of that a picture with the wit of an armpit fart, the verve of a boxwood shrub, and the appeal of a long night in an ER waiting room." -- Shawn Levy, PORTLAND OREGONIAN

"Any picture that makes you yearn for the dramatic work of Dick Sargent has got problems." -- Bruce Newman, SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS

"A disaster so low in energy that it jumpstarts its own engine every 10 minutes." [I'm pretty sure this doesn't even make sense -- ed.] -- Rex Reed, NEW YORK OBSERVER

"The result of people trying so hard to wring magic out of a dry well, all that's left to see is their flop sweat." -- Rene Rodriguez, MIAMI HERALD

"You're likely to want to pluck out your eyeballs." -- Walter Chaw, FILM FREAK CENTRAL

Thanks to Jack Stapleton for bringing this debacle to my attention.

June 17, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D: "There's sad news to report about The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D: Put on the cardboard glasses, and you can still see the movie." -- Make Clark, USA TODAY

High Tension: "An inept Gallic version of an American psycho-killer/stalker movie, the movie is a model of multinational incompetence." -- Michael Sragow, BALTIMORE SUN

The Perfect Man: "Crawls hand over bloody hand up the stony face of this plot, while we in the audience do not laugh because it is not nice to laugh at those less fortunate than ourselves, and the people in this movie are less fortunate than the people in just about any other movie I can think of, simply because they are in it. " -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

Ice Princess: "This movie wasn't just made for 11-year-old girls; it seems to have been made by 11-year-old girls. " -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

The Bridge Of San-Luis Rey: "After watching this movie, I was moved only to find my own bridge to leap from." -- Desson Thomson, WASHINGTON POST

May 27, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

Monster-In-Law: "Jane Fonda coming back to the screen after a decade-and-a-half absence in Monster-in-Law is like Brando returning from the dead to star in a Police Academy movie." -- Michael Sragow, BALTIMORE SUN

Hostage: "A steaming pile of clichés and screaming unlikelihoods." -- Jessica Winters, VILLAGE VOICE

House Of Wax: "Purists, be warned: This scare-flick quickie has as much relation to the 1953 Vincent Price classic with the same title as Paris Hilton does to acting." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Mindhunters: "Will do for psycho-thrillers what Showgirls did for stripper movies." -- Allison Benedikt, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Revenge Of The Sith: "The general opinion of Revenge of the Sith seems to be that it marks a distinct improvement on the last two episodes" True, but only in the same way that dying from natural causes is preferable to crucifixion." -- Anthony Lane, THE NEW YORKER

April 29, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

A Lot Like Love: "To call A Lot Like Love 'dead in the water' is an insult to water." -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

The Amityville Horror: "How dare anyone put this piece of crap in front of me? How dare anyone put it in front of you?" -- Stephanie Zacharek, SALON.COM

xXx - State of the Union: "So primitive, it must have been written in lizard blood on animal skin." -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

Cursed: "The best thing that can be said about Cursed is that it's scarier than Teen Wolf Too." -- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

King's Ransom: "Dumber than the worst UPN sitcom." -- Elizabeth Weitzman, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

The Jacket: "The characters are so flat and the dialogue so dull you expect it to be one of those movies whose existence is justified by a big final twist. But it's three days after the screening, and still no twist. Maybe it's coming in the mail?" -- Kyle Smith, NEW YORK POST

April 04, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

Hey wait -- wasn't I going to do a B.R.R. on Friday? Why, I believe I was. Well, better late ...

Hide And Seek: "A unique paroxysm of rancid idiocy. " -- Jessica Winter, VILLIAGE VOICE

Elektra: "Lacks thrills, narrative, emotion, believability, character development, and, frankly, watchability. " -- Aaron Hillis, PREMIERE

Miss Congeniality 2: "Must be seen to be believed, though I'm not suggesting you actually see it. " -- Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

The Ring Two: "Goes wrong in less than two minutes, which may be a world record for sequels to decent movies. " -- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER

Son Of The Mask: "This groaner makes 1994's The Mask look like something you'd study in a film graduate course at NYU." -- Mike Clark, USA TODAY

The Wedding date: "Imagine, if you dare, the outtakes from all those merely bad romantic comedies. Now further imagine that these discarded bits, the stuff that failed to make even the failures, found their way out of the waste bin and into a splicing machine and onto a projector. Do that and you're inching toward a full appreciation of this particular barrel, and the bottom it so brazenly scrapes." -- Rick Groen, THE GLOBE AND MAIL

March 04, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

The Pacifier: "Should have been strangled in its crib. " -- Jami Bernard, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Be Cool: "Manages the dubious trick of being both execrable and boring. " -- Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOUNRAL

Are We There Yet: "All too effectively conveys the claustrophobic horror of being shackled in a small space with two whiny, hateful children. " -- Nathan Rabin, THE ONION (A.V. CLUB)

Elektra: "Devotees of awful filmmaking can't go wrong with this one. " -- Michael Wilmington, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Boogeyman: "If you can't spell 'bogeyman,' you shouldn't make movies about him." -- Maitland McDonagh, TV GUIDE

Diary of a Mad Black Woman: "I laughed. I cried. Mostly I just wanted to throw up. " -- Michael O'Sullivan, WASHINGTON POST

February 01, 2005

Alone In The Dark

defective yeti has apparently become the Bad Alone In The Dark Review clearinghouse, so if you haven't reread my initial entry on the movie since it was posted, you might want to take another gander -- it's been revised several times and the abysmal rating continue to pour in.

January 28, 2005

The Bad Review Review: Darkness Falls

Christian Slater and Tara Reid star in Alone In The Dark:

"Saying Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV." -- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

"No better than whatever you might pick up while wearing a blindfold at Blockbuster, even if you happen to reach into a trash can." -- Jack Mathews, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

"Trying to rehash this plot is like trying to describe a Jackson Pollock painting while drunk" -- Pete Croatto FILMCRITIC.COM

"Anyone who spends 10 bucks seeing it ought to get 11 bucks change and a written apology from the director and cast." -- Peter Howell, TORONTO STAR

"If you took the 100 worst ideas ever conceived for a science-fiction film, rattled them around in a Lotto tumbler and spilled them out onto the screen at random, you could not produce a more asinine hodgepodge." -- Colin Covert, MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE

"As video game adaptations go, even Pong: The Movie would would have a lot more personality." -- Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"Slater narrates as if reading a restaurant menu. Reid seems to have learned each long sentence in segments, so she wouldn't be overtaxed." -- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER

"Think of the lamest horror movie you've ever seen. Now think of Tara Reid in the lamest horror movie you've ever seen. See how much worse it could have been?" -- Janice Page, BOSTON GLOBE

"So mind-blowingly horrible that it teeters on the edge of cinematic immortality. " -- Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

"Proves that it's possible to 'dumb down' a video game." -- Philip Wuntch, DALLAS MORNING NEWS

"Alone in the Dark will be the worst movie of 2005. The idea that anything could be worse is the only genuine scare the movie has to offer." -- Chris Kaltenbach, BALTIMORE SUN

"Tara-ble. " -- Russell Scott Smith, NEW YORK POST

Current Rotten Tomatoes rating: 01%.

Update, 02/02: The Rotten Tomatoes composite rating has creeped up to 2%, now that it has two "fresh" reviews. The first comes from a critic who lauded Catwoman and described Return of the King as "a seriously flawed piece of work that is missing that certain element called 'believability'". The second "positive" review gives Alone In The Dark a ranking of one star and raves "for reasonable moviegoers, there is no reason on Earth why you should waste your valuable time and money on the likes of Alone in the Dark ... total crap." Damning with faint praise, if you ask me.

Also, check out the trailer for director Uwe Boll’s next x-box-to-celluloid project, BloodRayne. It's hard to pick one single moment in that preview to cite as my favorite, but I did really like the part where they dramatically introduce the title character by mumbling.

"Does she have a name?"

"I heard she murrmurmurrmur."

And until I hear otherwise, I'm going to assume that Ben Kinsley was digitally Jar-Jarred into this film without his permission.


January 07, 2005

The Bad Review Revue

Darkness: "About as chilling as an unplugged refrigerator." -- Elias Sevade, FILM THREAT

The Phantom of the Opera: "Combines fingernails-on-blackboard audio agony with bamboo-under-fingernails physical torture. " -- Carrie Rickey, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

Open My Heart: "Those looking for a smarter précis on sex and shame with one-thirtieth the running time are encouraged to seek out Madonna's Open Your Heart video on VH1." -- Melissa Anderson, THE VILLIAGE VOICE

She Hate Me: "The mélange of plots, subplots, reveries, gags, cartoons, dirty bits, and hissy fits points to a work that is structurally modelled less on the classic narratives of cinema than on a portion of Russian salad." -- Anthony Lane, THE NEW YORKER

Blade Trinity: "Dracula, as played by Dominic Purcell, has all the dark charisma and burning threat of a baked potato." -- Sean Axmaker, SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCE

Meet The Fockers: "Has assembled a historic, once-in-a-lifetime cast, then stranded them in the laziest, most mercenary kind of sequel imaginable. It's like the 1927 Yankees taking on the Special Olympics softball team." -- Nathin Rabin, THE ONION

November 24, 2004

The Bad Review Review

Christmas With The Kranks: "Egregiously mediocre and flagrantly ill-conceived in every department, this is, truly, the cinematic equivalent of finding a single solitary Saltine in your stocking and a pair of old tube socks beneath the tree." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason: "All the charm of a canceled CBS sitcom." -- Robert Wilonsky, DALLAS OBSERVER

Alexander: "Both the sex and the battle sequences here look like football plays drawn by an NFL coach and shot by the wide receiver's mother." -- Carrie Rickey, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

After The Sunset: "Utterly devoid of wit, excitement and any reason for being." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

National Treasure: "If the Founding Fathers had known National Treasure would be the result of their efforts to forge a new nation, they might have reached for the Wite-Out." -- Jami Bernard, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Birth: "Might have qualified as dumb fun if they hadn't left out the fun." -- Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

October 22, 2004

Bad Review Revue Extra: Surviving Christmas Is Awesome!

The critics are raving about Surviving Christmas:

"Absolutely awesome in its relentless mediocrity." -- Desson Thomson, WASHINGTON POST

"Hans Blix is still searching for bombs, he should check out Surviving Christmas, a crass, shrill and laughless disaster of a holiday comedy with a desperately mugging Ben Affleck that should be banned under the Geneva Convention" -- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

"This ghastly comedy emits the subliminal whine of a sucking chest wound." -- Jessica Winter, VILLAGE VOICE

"Destined to offer Ben Affleck bashers satchels full of new ammunition." -- Brian Lowry, VARIETY

"At less that 90 minutes it's chronologically short, but psychologically eternal." -- Chris Hewitt, ST. PAUL PIONEER PRESS

"It's the sort of stupid swill that gets spewed out by a studio committee, slapped together without a brain, a heart, or a good idea about where to put a camera or when to cut a scene." -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBRE

"Ben Affleck's goose is cooked with Surviving Christmas, a movie that makes Gigli look like one of the crowning moments in his career." -- Jami Bernard, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

"From conception to execution, an unalloyed, unqualified, unmitigated disaster." -- Carrie Rickey, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

"A lame comic premise, a tiresome-bordering-on-obnoxious protagonist and a script devoid of humor is a lot to overcome for any movie, and Surviving Christmas is not the one to do it." -- Kirk Honeycutt, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"There are no survivors here." -- Lisa Schwarzbaum, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

One a scale of 1-100, Rotten Tomatoes currently has it as a 7.

Thanks to Daniel Jacobs for calling this train wreck to my attention.
October 15, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

Taxi: "As entertaining as watching a potato bake." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Ladder 49: "Bearable only to people in deep mourning and vulnerable to emotional coercion." -- John Anderson, NEWSDAY

What the *$%# Do We Know?: "Like being stuck at a science fair, with a 5-year-old on one side asking questions and his hippie parents on the other fumbling to answer them." -- Jon Niccum, LAWRENCE JOURNAL-WORLD

First Daughter: "Just one hackneyed, inauthentic, predictable scene after another." -- Michael O'Sullivan, WASHINGTON POST

Shall We Dance?: " [The original] Shall We Dance? was a wry and touching comedy perfectly at home in its Japanese setting. Now, forcibly deported to Chicago and peopled with American stars, the same story is huffed and puffed and squeezed into an entirely different cultural context. Guess what? Sayonara sushi, hello turkey." -- Rick Groen, GLOBE AND MAIL

September 24, 2004

Bad Review Review

September Tapes: "The most disingenuous film of the year. A sham. Pathetic. Embarrassing. The people behind this movie should be ashamed of themselves." -- Jonathan Curiel, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

The Forgotten: "Julianne Moore delivers a performance that has all the emotional commitment of a bored kid playing with a light switch." -- Manohla Dargis, NEW YORK TIMES (thanks, Jack)

Resident Evil: Apocalypse: "The undead astumble around in the dark, sometimes even in blurry slo-mo, making the many packs of them about as terrifying as the mobs waiting for Matt and Katie outside the Today studio." -- Gregory Kirschling, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

The Cookout: "There might have been a decent comedy here if someone had remembered to insert some humor." -- Luke Thompson, DALLAS OBSERVER

National Lampoon's Gold Diggers: "So stupefyingly hideous that after watching it, you'll need to bathe in 10 gallons of disinfectant, get a full-body scrub and shampoo with vinegar to remove the scummy residue that remains." -- Jen Chaney, WASHINGTON POST

August 27, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

Alien vs. Predator: "Take a wretched premise. Imagine the worst picture that could be made from it. Then imagine something even worse. That's Alien vs. Predator." -- Mick LaSella, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

The Brown Bunny: "An excruciatingly embarrassing display of ego and ineptitude." -- Jim Fusilli, WALL STREET JOURNAL

Suspect Zero: "It's not easy to make a thriller that's both incredibly convoluted and intensely boring, but director E. Elias Merhige scores on both counts." -- Ethan Alter, TV Guide

Yu-Gi-Oh!: "A shabby, joyless, 90-minute slab of advertainment." -- M. E. Russellt, PORTLAND OREGONIAN

Superbabies: "So bad there will be drinking games set around viewing it someday." -- Michael O'Sullivan, WASHINGTON POST

August 06, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

Catwoman: "The director, whose name is Pitof, was probably issued with two names at birth and would be wise to use the other one on his next project." -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

A Cinderella Story: "They took the most famous tale in the world and broke it." -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

Thunderbirds: "Kids of all sizes and genders are going to be disappointed." -- Pete Vonder Haar, FILM THREAT

Little Black Book: "Aggressively unfunny." -- Carla Meyer, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

I, Robot: "If you see it, the sequel will be your fault." -- Michael Atkinson, THE VILLIAGE VOICE

August 02, 2004

Bad Review Revue: Ebert On The Village

The Bad Review Revue usually appears on Fridays, but I just read Roger Ebert's one-star review of The Village and his closing paragraph merits an exception:

"Eventually the secret of [the movie] is revealed. To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we're back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backward out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets."

July 09, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

Sleepover: "The only thing that could redeem this sour patch of candy-coated crud would be a final shot of Earth exploding." -- Scott Brown, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

Around the World in 80 Days: "An exceedingly lame vehicle for an increasingly tired-looking Jackie Chan - might as well be called Around the World in 80 Yawns." -- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST.

Anchorman: "It's unfair that Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, who wrote the Anchorman, didn't have to come up with any jokes, yet I'm expected to muster up the energy to invent something fresh, informative and entertaining to say about their so-called comedy." -- Karen Karbo, THE OREGONIAN

King Authur: "Bleak, remarkably turgid, tediously violent, devoid of drama, deprived of magic, stripped of romance and, except for one of the oddest boy-meets-girl scenes in movie history, a befuddled and befuddling excuse for entertainment." -- David Sterrit, WALL STREET JOURNAL

The Notebook: "There's no way to endure this movie without earplugs and a blindfold." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

June 25, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

The Chronicles of Riddick: "Riddick-ulous." -- Megan Lehmann, NEW YORK POST

Garfield: "You'd have to be a real asshole to hate this movie. Sadly the task falls to me." -- Marrit Ingman, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Soul Plane: "An hour and a half of real airplane turbulence is better than sitting through Soul Plane." -- Sara Gebhardt, WASHINGTON POST

The Stepford Wives: "So god-awful it falls into the category of needing to be seen to be believed. " -- Karen Karbo, PORTLAND OREGONIAN

The Terminal: "Interminable." -- Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

June 04, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

The Girl Next Door: "Director Luke Greenfield, the auteur behind The Animal starring Rob Schneider, wants to pass off this limp-dick farce as social satire. Ha!" -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Rasing Helena: "You are likely to encounter more surprises on the way to the bathroom each morning than you do in this film." -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

The Whole Ten Yards: "Worse than you can imagine. Unless, of course, you've imagined 90-something minutes of bloopers and outtakes that congeal into a story -- much the way a scab is formed." -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

The Day After Tomorrow: "A shambles of dud writing and dramatic inconsequence which left me determined to double my consumption of fossil fuels." -- Anthony Lane, THE NEW YORKER

Taking Lives: "A taut thriller filled with chills and sex and frights and mind-blowing surprises! Hawke makes us forget Brando, Dean and De Niro, and Jolie makes us forget all other women in history! Drop the newspaper! Never mind dressing! Run to the box office! I hated it!" -- Shawn Levy, THE OREGONIAN

May 07, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

New York Minute: "As agonizing as a sucking chest wound." -- Marrit Ingman, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Godsend: "Has the sensitivity of a cactus, the ingenuity of a square wheel, and the integrity of a CEO." -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

Laws of Attraction: "This shabby enterprise gets so many things so wrong that it freezes your face into a cringe." -- Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

Van Helsing: "Not so much spine-tingling as butt-numbing." -- Michael Sragow, BALTIMORE SUN

Envy: "Black plays an inventor who instills murderous envy in his best friend by making millions off a spray called Vapoorizer. You spray the stuff on dog poo, and the poo just vapoorizes. Later, environmentalists are up in arms. 'Where did the shit go?' they want to know. The answer is painfully obvious: into the screenplay." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

April 23, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

Johnson Family Vacation: "If laughs are the currency of any comedy, this one pays minimum wage." -- Rick Groen, GLOBE AND MAIL

Connie and Carla: "Vardalos's movies aren't written as much as up-chucked, the result of all-night binges on SnackWells and Oxygen network reruns." -- David Ng, VILLAGE VOICE

The Punisher: "The ad for it claims, 'The Punishment Begins April 16'. And boy, does it." -- Eleanor Ringel Gillespie, ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION

Man On Fire: "Suffers from the editing-room equivalent of an irritable bowel." -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE (thanks, boss)

13 Going On 30: "So basically, as you could probably gather on your own, this movie is dumb, dull, and lacking any sort of charm. And besides that, the stupid promo package that the movie people sent contained 'wishing dust,' which got all over my desk. Fucking glitter." -- Megan Seling, THE STRANGER

April 09, 2004

Bad Review Revue

Scooby-Doo 2: "The 6-year-old I went with had the villain pegged in the first 15 minutes. Needless to say, she completely ruined the movie for me. Meddling kid." -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

Cheaper By The Dozen: "Nothing happens. At all. Ever. Remember when Steve Martin was funny? Apparently, neither does he." -- Robert Wilonsk, DAILY OBSERVER

Prince & Me: "A comedy that plays like a tragedy. No stricken bodies, though, unless you count the ones in the audience slumped back in their seats -- perchance they slept." -- Rick Groen, THE GLOBE AND MAIL

Walking Tall: "Stars The Rock, but The Wood might be a better description of his performance." -- Peter Rainer, NEW YORK MAGAZINE

Never Die Alone: "Gangsta crap." -- J. R. Jones, CHICAGO READER

March 18, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

Welcome To Mooseport: "A comedy so devoid of wit and point that not mentioning the actors trapped in this rathole would be an act of charity." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Agent Cody Banks - Destination London: "As family entertainment, it constitutes child abuse." -- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

Twisted: "Would be offensive were it not safely neutered by its own stupidity. " -- Scott Brown, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

Taking Lives: "The film's finale is a laugh-out-loud combination of ludicrousness and sadism that someone somewhere probably found scary, assuming they never saw a thriller before." -- Luke Thompson, DALLAS OBSERVER

Club Dread: "About as funny as malaria." -- Desson Howe, WASHINGTON POST

Dirty Dancing - Havana Nights: "One of those rare films for which a blooper reel would be redundant. " -- Elvis Mitchell, NEW YORK TIMES

February 13, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

Torque: It's only January, but already we have a strong candidate for the most thunderingly stupid movie of the year. -- Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

You Got Served: "About as real as Lil' Kim's chest." -- Jami Bernard, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

The Butterfy Effect: "Like receiving a box of Valentine's chocolates in which someone has deliberately hidden ground glass." -- Charles Taylor, SALON

The Big Bounce "Go in with lowered expectations and expect to have them dashed." -- Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

50 First Dates: ""When Rob Schneider is the best thing about your movie, you know you have a problem." -- Josh Bell, LAS VEGAS WEEKLY

January 30, 2004

Bad Review Revue: The Perfect Bore

Critics weigh in on the new teen / S.A.T. / heist film The Perfect Score:

"Scholastic craptitude." -- Desson Thomas, WASHINGTON POST

"Everyone involved should go straight to detention and think about what they've done." -- E! ONLINE

"Apparently edited with a roulette wheel. " -- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

"A dull film with unsympathetic characters brought together by a gimmicky premise that's handled with no imagination and a pristine fraudulence of emotion. Aside from that, it's great." -- Mick LaSalle, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

"Ocean's Eleven for people who can't count past six." -- Marc Mohan, PORTLAND OREGONIAN

"X is to Y as this shit is to boring." -- Ed Park, VILLAGE VOICE

Judging by, the perfect score works out to be around 19%.

January 09, 2004

The Bad Review Revue

Love Don't Cost A Thing: "An inept and sleazy remake of a bad movie that easily edges From Justin to Kelly as the dullest major-studio release of the year." -- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

My Baby's Daddy: "Diapers, even from three babies, can't stink worse than this." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

Paycheck: "Doesn't come within a light year of even science-fiction plausibility." -- Jack Mathews, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Mona Lisa's Smile: "To call it one-dimensional would be an act of charity." -- Carrie Rickey, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

Chasing Liberty: "The film does provide one solid reason to display a little patriotic fervor: we have the freedom to avoid such rote, shallow dullness." -- Connie Ogle, MIAMI HERALD

December 05, 2003

The Bad Review Revue

The Haunted Mansion: "Lamer than Tiny Tim on a damp London day." -- Brian Parks, VILLIAGE VOICE

Bad Santa: "A frozen pile of reindeer droppings, the cinematic equivalent to passing a kidney stone." -- K.J. Doughton, FILM THREAT

Honey: "Amid the endless stream of catch-a-rising-star movie cliches are a few new ones, notably 'skinny girls always win out in the end' and 'hootchie bad, faux hootchie good.' -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Gothika: "All the subtlety of a Judas Priest video." -- Desson Thomas, WASHINGTON POST

Timeline: "The trouble with this movie is basically everything." -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

November 21, 2003

The Bad Review Revue: We Did Not Like It, Not One Little Bit

Cat In The Hat: a dirty dozen.

"This screened too late for us to review, so in the interest of fairness all we can say is that we're pretty sure it's gonna suck." -- Film Shorts, THE STRANGER

"Get out the flatware, mother--the Thanksgiving turkey has arrived!" -- Frank Swietek, ONE GUY'S OPINION

"Perhaps the worst holiday movie ever made." -- John Anderson, NEWSDAY

"An abomination, impure and simple." -- Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

"Critics are paid to suffer bad art, no matter how icky it is from the start. So all we could do was to Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! And we did not like it. Not one little bit." -- Manohla Dargis, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"Like being run over by a garbage truck that backs up and dumps its load on top of you." -- David Edelstein, SLATE

"If the producers had dug up Ted Geisel's body and hung it from a tree, they couldn't have desecrated the man more." -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBER

"Crass and vulgar almost beyond belief." -- Charles Taylor, SALON.COM

"A vulgar, uninspired lump of poisoned eye candy." -- A. O. Scott, NEW YORK TIMES

"Comes scarily close to being the most unendurable Hollywood creation of the last dozen years." -- Michael Atkinson, VILLAGE VOICE

"Makes the Matrix sequels look like works of genius." -- Michael Sragow, BALTIMORE SUN

"They may as well have skipped the hassle of securing licensing rights and simply called this mess Mike Myers: Asshole in Fur." -- Gregory Weinkauf, DALLAS OBSERVER

October 10, 2003

The Bad Review Revue

Anything Else: "Wretched, condescending, and sad, like watching an elderly man spend more than 100 minutes tapping his arm for a youth vein he never finds." -- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

Jeeper Creeps: "It's not often a movie makes you yearn for the energy and half-baked artistry of Freddy vs. Jason, but there you have it." -- Paul West, SEATTLE P-I

Good Boy!: "Except for an endless drum roll of fart jokes, what we get is stuffy liberal humanism that would bore the Oshkoshes off Al Gore's littlest nieces and nephews." -- Stephen Cole, THE GLOBE AND MAIL

Underworld: "Not since Battlefield Earth pitted overacting, nine-foot-tall Psychlos against puny man-animals has there been an interspecies match-up this perversely uninteresting." -- Nathan Rabin, THE ONION

Cold Creek Manor: "About as thrilling as cleaning out your garage." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

August 29, 2003

The Bad Review Revue

S.W.A.T.: "SWAT is better than Gigli, but so is most outpatient surgery." -- Mick LaSalle, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

Grind: "A movie conceived by monkey-suited honchos who regard their targeted audience as impressionable nincompoops susceptible to every new trend in sports, clothing and music that comes down the pike." -- Scott Foundas, LA WEEKLY

American Wedding: "You'll see better film on ponds." -- Elvis Mitchell, NEW YORK TIMES

Marci X: "This movie is, like, so eight years ago." -- Gene Seymour, LOS ANGELES TIMES

Jeeper Creepers 2: "The kind of limp horror retread whose only saving grace may be that it will inspire legions of budding young screenwriters to say, 'Jesus this sucks. I can do better'." -- Marc Savlov, THE AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Uptown Girl: "A virtual collection of 'What were they thinking?' moments." -- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

My Boss's Daughter: "Moronic. idiotic. Insulting. Pathetic. But enough with the sweet talk." -- Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

July 18, 2003

A League Of Extraordinarily Bad Reviews

The critics are raving about LXG!

"Unfathomable balderdash." -- Megan Lehmann, NEW YORK POST

"It's not brazenly bad or heroically bad or stridently bad. It's bad in all the old, dull ways of being bad: poor performances, absurd story, dreary special effects, witless dialogue and the excessive length of someone taking himself far too seriously." -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

"Outragously vapid." -- Michael Wilmington, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

"Extraordinary is the very last adjective that comes to mind." -- John Patterson, LA WEEKLY

"Quite awful." -- Richard Roeper, EBERT & ROEPER

"Wild Wild West meets Avengers bad." -- Bill Muller, ARIZONA REPUBLIC

July 03, 2003

Bad Review Revue

Hollywood Homicide: "My god in heaven, did anyone making this film have an original thought in their lives?" -- Kevin Carr, Film Threat

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle: "If this is the kind of empowerment women in Hollywood have been fighting for over the last century or so, it's no wonder Katharine Hepburn died this weekend." -- Glenn Kenny, PREMIERE

Dumb and Dumberer: "This nightmarish travesty barrels along with all the whipcord speed and nimble comedic grace of a loved one's funeral." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

The Hulk: "Goes on for two hours and 20 minutes and there's not a stirring or exciting moment in it. At last, a comic-book movie that National Public Radio listeners can be proud to take their kids to see." -- Charles Taylor, SALON.COM

From Justin To Kelly: "Kelly plays 'Kelly' and Justin plays 'Justin,' and anyone who plunks down $8 plays the fool." -- Wesley Morris, SEATTLE P-I

June 06, 2003

Bad Review Revue: All "2 Fast" Edition

The title and subject matter of 2 Fast 2 Furious lends itself well to scathing reviews:

Chicago Reader: "Without Diesel's brooding lunkhead presence it's more like 1/2 Fast 1/2 Furious." -- J. R. Jones

New York Times: "All of these supremely expressive vehicles come equipped with drivers, principally a pair of crash-test dummies played by Paul Walker and Tyrese, whose low-gear dialogue makes the whine of engines sound like the highest poetry." -- A. O. Scott

Washington Post: "Miami Vice with many more carz and numberz where all the adjectives used 2 go." -- Stephen Hunter

Los Angeles Times: "My hand trembles slightly as I type these words, but the truth is that while watching 2 Fast 2 Furious, the follow-up to the pleasurably cheap-thrills sleeper The Fast and the Furious, I realized just how much I miss Vin Diesel." -- Manohla Dargis

Christian Science Monitor: "2 foolish + 2 flashy = 4 get it!" -- David Sterrit

Austin Chronicle: "As exciting as a Yugo in quicksand." -- Marc Savlov

Update: Slate totally Rick Bragg'd me.

May 02, 2003

The Bad Review Revue

A Man Apart: "This film raises a few questions -- like just what were they thinking?!" -- Rene Rodriguez, MIAMI HERALD

View From The Top: "If this new I-wanna-be-a-stewardess picture were an airplane, it would blow up on takeoff. If it were an airline meal, it would infect you with E. coli. If it were a parachute, it would be riddled with holes. " -- Shawn Levy, PORTLAND OREGONIAN

Bulletproof Monk: "Relentlessly stupid." -- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

Malibu's Most Wanted: "The film feels like a truly awful Saturday Night Live sketch padded out to such unholy lengths as to make It's Pat seems like a comic masterstroke." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

The Real Cancun: "Two of MTV's stupidest programs, The Real World and Spring Break, have been rolled into one staggeringly dumb feature film. I'm like, 'Dude, this totally blows.'" -- J. R. Jones, CHICAGO READER

March 28, 2003

The Bad Review Revue

Basic: "So astonishingly awful it becomes a sort of kinky pleasure; just when you think Travolta has fallen to the bottom of the barrel, he pulls out a shovel and dons his miner's helmet to see what lies beneath." -- Robert Wilonsky, DALLAS OBSERVER

Dreamcatcher: "As five or six bad movies squished together, it almost seems like a bargain. " -- A.O. Scott, NEW YORK TIMES

Boat Trip: "There are bad movies, and there's Boat Trip, a puerile comedy so appalling and unfunny it's like contracting the Norwalk virus at sea." -- Marrit Ingman, AUSTIN CHRONICLE

Head of State: "The film opens with a statement that Hillary Clinton, Bob Dole and Al Sharpton are not in the movie. Also not in the movie: laughs. " -- Chris Hewitt, PORTLAND OREGONIAN

The Core: "Built from an alloy of absurdium and stupidium." -- Joe Morgenstern, WALL STREET JOURNAL

March 14, 2003

The Bad Review Revue

Tears of the Sun: "Not one-tenth as interesting as what you can see at home during a nightly cable surf as U.S. war policy is debated." -- Claudia Puig, USA TODAY

Gods and Generals: "Sanctimonious claptrap -- an inert pageant of waxen figures that fails completely as drama even as it insults the sensibilities of anyone not clinging to rosy memories of the slave-era South." -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

Bringing Down the House: "The rare film that is capable of offending both Trent Lott and Al Sharpton." -- Rita Kempley, WASHINGTON POST

The Life of David Gale: "The secrets of the plot must remain unrevealed by me, so that you can be offended by them yourself, but let it be said this movie is about as corrupt, intellectually bankrupt and morally dishonest as it could possibly be without David Gale actually hiring himself out as a joker at the court of Saddam Hussein." -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN TIMES

Cradle 2 the Grave: "Storytelling like this makes video game plots look like 'Moby Dick'." -- Robert K. Elder, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

February 14, 2003

The Bad Review Revue

The Jungle Book 2: "About as pleasant as having my wisdom teeth pulled. " -- J. R. Jones, CHICAGO READER

Shanghai Knights: "Here's where we we get out the thesaurus and look up synonyms for "garbage." " -- Mike LaSalle, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

Biker Boyz: "Has the stink of man-musk all over it. " -- Michael O'Sullivan, WASHINGTON POST

Deliver Us From Eva: "Scriptwriters behind Deliver Us From Eva obviously expended all their creative energy on the catchy title and then promptly ran out of steam. " -- Megan Lehmann, NEW YORK POST

How To Lose a Guy In 10 Days: "This is a stupid movie for stupid people. If you're a stupid person, knock yourself out. Please." -- Gregory Weinkauf, DALLAS OBSERVER

January 17, 2003

The Bad Review Revue
Kangaroo Jack: "Virtually every shot of the kangaroo was digitally created, and perhaps that was an insurance policy masterstroke. Forcing a real live one to act opposite these co-stars could have easily constituted animal cruelty." -- Joe McGovern, VILLAGE VOICE

A Guy Thing: "Sets the bar of taste low, then proceeds to limbo underneath it." -- Sean O'Connell, ECLIPSE MAGAZINE

Half Past Dead: "Absent one original moment and bathed in de rigueur steel blue punctuated by sporadic bursts of flaming orange, the movie is notable only for its creative approach to Seagal's bulky gracelessness: Not since Apocalypse Now has a film gone to such lengths to hide what its star looks like." -- Manohla Dargis, LOS ANGELES TIMES

Equilibrium: "Could be stupider only if it were longer." -- Elvis Mitchell, NEW YORK TIMES

Just Married: "Just Awful." -- Luke Thompson, DALLAS OBSERVER

January 03, 2003

The Bad Review Revue: Loser By A Nose

Bad Review Revue: Loser By A Nose

A few months ago, defective yeti was excited to discover Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, The Worst Movie Ever as evidenced by its astounding 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. We naturally assumed this would forever remain a feat unequaled, like Cal Ripkin's 2632 consecutive games, or that guy who got into the Guinness Book of World Records by eating a bicycle.

That'll teach us to overestimate Hollywood.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Roberto Benigni's Pinocchio:

"Benigni's Pinocchio is meant to be adorable, but he comes off as less an enchanted puppet than as a harmlessly deranged middle-aged man prancing about in the kind of froufrou cream-colored pantsuit that Dinah Shore retired to her back closet in 1977." -- Owen Gleiberman, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

"Lethal for kids and an unspeakable insult to adults, this unreleasable fiasco is a torture for all." -- Rex Reed, NEW YORK OBSERVER
"An oddity that will be avoided by millions of people, this new Pinocchio. Osama bin Laden could attend a showing in Times Square and be confident of remaining hidden." -- Elvis Mitchell, THE NEW YORK TIMES
"Creepy, in a Michael Jackson sort of way." -- Sean Means, SALT LAKE TRIBUNE
"Here's hoping Benigni doesn't tackle The Little Mermaid as his next project." -- Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR
Survey says: 0%!
December 20, 2002

The Bad Review Revue

  • [Eight Crazy Nights] "A holiday film for the whole family, provided the whole family is obsessed with human waste." -- J.R. Jones, THE CHICAGO READER
  • [Analyze That] "That this witless, formulaic sequel even dares to spoof 'The Sopranos' is embarrassing, like Freddie Prinze Jr. slamming Gene Hackman as a bad actor." -- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE
  • [Extreme Ops] "'Jackass' with a budget and no midgets." -- Steve Davis, AUSTIN CHRONICLE
  • [Empire] "Doesn't deserve the energy it takes to describe how bad it is." -- Desson Howe, WASHINGTON POST
  • [Wes Craven Presents: They] "Wes Craven Presents: Not a Hell of a Lot." -- Owen Gleiberman, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY
  • November 22, 2002

    The Bad Review Revue
    • [Friday After Next] "Dumb and Dumber 'n The Hood." Rick Groen, THE GLOBE AND MAIL
    • [I-Spy] "Has all the raging excitement of continental drift." -- Marc Savlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE
    • [Femme Fatal] "De Palma spends an hour setting a fancy table and then serves Macaroni and Cheese." Josh Larsen, SUN PUBLICATIONS
    • [Jackass] "A movie in the same sense that those hideous, velvet depictions of Elvis are paintings." -- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST.
    • [Abandon] "Consider the title your best advice." -- Desson Howe, WASHINGTON POST.

    October 04, 2002

    The Bad Review Revue: Gone Ballistic Edition!

    Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is the only film I have ever seen in the Rotten Tomatoes Top 10 Grossing Movies section with a composite score of 0%. (As a point of reference, note that even Battlefield Earth had 4%.) Truly a spellbinding acheivement.

    "The movie stars Lucy Liu as Sever, a former agent for the Defense Intelligence Agency; Antonio Banderas is Ecks, a former ace FBI agent who is coaxed back into service. Now let's discuss the curious fact that both of these U.S. agencies wage what amounts to warfare in Vancouver, which is actually in a nation named 'Canada'..." -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

    "You could run this film backward, soundtrack included, and it would make no less sense." -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST
    "Amply demonstrates how even a movie with wall-to-wall action can be a crashing bore." -- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST
    "The main foe is a martial arts specialist played by Ray Park, who was Darth Maul in 'Star Wars'. Without face paint and special effects, he's as menacing as Eeyore." -- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER
    "Lacks anything approaching even a vague reason to sit through it." -- Mick LaSalle, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE
    "Pornography for arsonists." -- Robert K. Elder, CHICAGO TRIBUNE
    September 13, 2002

    The Bad Review Revue
    swimfan: "It would be great to see this turd squashed under a truck. " -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE
    "Stealing Harvard has one extraordinary virtue for a Tom Green movie: It doesn't star Tom Green. What a fabulous breakthrough! Not since Stravinsky stunned the world with The Rite of Spring has someone unveiled an aesthetic shocker of such epochal dimensions." -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST.
    Master of Disguises: "Pants and wheezes and hurls itself exhausted across the finish line after barely 65 minutes of movie, and then follows it with 15 minutes of end credits in an attempt to clock in as a feature film." -- Rogert Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES
    "As a child, I thought pure hell meant eternal agony in the flames of Satan. Now I know it's looking down at your watch and realizing Serving Sara isn't even halfway through." -- Desson Howe, WASHINGTON POST
    fear dot com: "I feel guilty and somehow unclean. And all I did was watch it." -- Eric Campos, FILM THREAT
    July 18, 2002

    1-Star Reviews of Classic Novels

    Excerpts From Actual 1-star Customer Reviews for Radcliffe's Top Ten Best Novels

    1. The Great Gatsby: "If Fitzgerald had written this book properly ... it would have been EXACTLY two sentences long - 'I'm rich' and 'Oh, boo hoo'. The plot line resembles an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (namely 'Let's sit around and whine about being rich. Next we'll get drunk and call each other names, fight, and run each other over!' SHUT UP ALREADY!) I can rarely can say this, but I HATE HATE HATE HATE this book! FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, STAY AWAY FROM THIS BOOK IF YOU CAN HELP IT!"

    2. Catcher in the Rye: "I'm not the kind of person who reads a lot of books and this book is a reason why."

    3. The Grapes of Wrath: "Unfortunately i had to read this book for my american literature class. it went on and on and on about absolutely nothing!yes mr. steinbeck is verydescriptive, by he goes completely overboard in almost every chapter. i mean, does it really take a whole chapter to describe a turtle?!!"

    4. To Kill a Mockingbird: "I'm sorry everyone. I don't see why this book is so fabeulos. I would give it a zero. I find no point in writing a book about segregation, there's no way of making it into an enjoyable book."

    5. The Color Purple: "This book is the collection of sick perverted ravings of Alice Walker. I started reading the book thinking it had to be great to win the Pullitzer Prize, but I couldn't even finish it because it was so grossly sickening. I urge you to not read this book because it will subvert you and defile your mind with unwanted perverseness."

    6. Ulysses: "It is the only book I can think of where the reader deserves more credit for finishing it than the author."

    7. Beloved: "Toni has a comon failing among female writers, unfocused ideas and flat characters. the subject matter wasnt something that particlarly intrested me. I guess it would be possible to like this book, but someone like me, I think Ill stick with sci-fi."

    8. The Lord of the Flies "I had to read this book for literiture class I hated it. my teacher rattled on about the symbolizm in this book.It was so boring and kinda gory. Plus no girls, wasnt they susposed to repopulate the world after nuclear war so not possible wih only boys. The one thing i found interesting was how they acted like wild animals after they had been on the island a while.that was kinda cool.But it was to confusing."

    9. 1984: "The fall of Communism has erased nearly every trace of relevance this book may once have had. "

    10.The Sound and the Fury: "What was up with all the words in italics?"

    Update, 10/31/06: Hi! A lot of folks are coming to this dusty old entry from a link on Boing Boing. Just so you know, I wrote a second (and better) installment of this for The Morning News.

    [ link | Books]

    July 12, 2002

    The Bad Review Revue

    Hey, I haven't done this in a while.

    Bad Review Revue

    [Men In Black II] "If it isn't the worst sequel ever made, it's only because it has too much competition" -- David Edelstein, SLATE

    "If Mr. Deeds is an Everyman, then the Everyman of today is a boorish jackass." -- Maitland McDonagh, TV GUIDE

    [Like Mike] "There's no excuse to come within a hundred feet of a screen playing this monstrosity of a movie." -- Michael Dequin, FILM THREAT

    "One regards Reign of Fire with awe. What a vast enterprise has been marshaled in the service of such a minute idea. Incredulity is our companion, and it is twofold: We cannot believe what happens in the movie, and we cannot believe that the movie was made." -- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

    [The Crocodile Hunter] "If you have to ask why this sucks, you deserve to waste your money." -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

    Peter Travers Bonus Quote, Regarding Sum of All Fears: "How the hell did Ben Affleck, 29, wind up replacing Harrison Ford, 59, as our hero? Chronology hasn't been this royally fucked since Memento."

    May 31, 2002

    The Bad Review Revue

    The Bad Review Revue

    [Undercover Brother] "The most excruciating 86 minutes one might sit through this summer that do not involve a dentist drill." -- Renee Graham, BOSTON GLOBE

    "Lopez, say the word, girl, the next time you're offered one of these barrel scrapers: Enough!" -- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

    "Spirit's narration comes to us courtesy of Matt Damon, who, having played a horse's ass in some of his earlier movies, perhaps thought it wise to inhabit the entire nag this time around." -- Peter Ranier, NEW YORK MAGAZINE

    "Best watched through squinted eyes and slotted fingers ... The New Guy is an ugly-duckling tale so hideously and clumsily told it feels accidental. Surely, no one planned something this disastrously unfunny." -- Robert Wilonsky, LA New TIMES

    [Life or Something Like It] "Oh, please. Stop and smell the manure. " -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

    April 19, 2002

    The Bad Review Revue

    The Bad Review Revue

    [The Sweetest Thing] "The dumbest thing this side of a lobotomy." -- Robert Wilonsky, LOS ANGELES NEW TIMES

    [The Scorpion King] "As this chaotic barrage of muscle flexing, swordplay, fireballs, crude digital effects and comic-book quips hurls itself off the screen, it's like having several garbage cans clogged with stale pizza, lukewarm cola, soggy French fries and greasy, ketchup-stained napkins emptied over your head." -- Stephen Holden, NEW YORK TIMES

    "You might think that people dumb enough to make a by-the-numbers movie about a murder would at least be smart enough not to call it Murder By Numbers." -- Bruce Newman, SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS

    [Big Trouble] "The kind of production that would have been funnier if the director had released the outtakes theatrically and used the film as a bonus feature on the DVD." -- Ed Johnson-Ott, NUVO NEWSWEEKLY

    [Collateral Damage] "This should seal the deal: Arnold is not, nor will he be, back." -- Jeanne Aufmuth, ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION

    April 05, 2002

    The Bad Review Revue

    The Bad Review Revue:

    Clockstoppers: "By the time the plot grinds itself out in increasingly incoherent fashion, you might be wishing for a watch that makes time go faster rather than the other way around." -- Donald Munro, THE FRESNO BEE

    Showtime: "You know you've entered flat dramatic terrain when William Shatner towers over it." -- Geoff Pevere, THE TORONTO STAR

    Resident Evil: "Such a bad movie that its luckiest viewers will be seated next to one of those ignorant pinheads who talk throughout the show." -- Charles Savage, MIAMI HERALD

    High Crimes: "[Not] worth the crayons it took to write the script." -- Stephen Hunter, WASHINGTON POST

    Sorority Boys: "One element of Sorority Boys is undeniably good, and that is the title. Pause by the poster on the way into the theater. That will be your high point." -- Rogert Ebert, CHICAGO-SUN TIMES

    March 08, 2002

    The Bad Review Revue

    The Bad Review Revue.

    [Dragonfly] "As the movie dragged on, I thought I heard a mysterious voice, and felt myself powerfully drawn toward the light -- the light of the exit sign. I have returned from the beyond to warn you: this movie is 90 minutes long, and life is too short." A. O. Scott, NEW YORK TIMES

    "40 Days and 40 Nights is so eyeball-gougingly awful that you're tempted to give up movies for Lent. Lou Lumenick, NY POST

    "John Q is the kind of movie Mad magazine prays for." Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN TIMES

    "The only good thing to come out of Rollerball is the boon it gives the porn industry in terms of another ready-made title to spoof." Marc SAvlov, AUSTIN CHRONICLE


    MaryAnn Johanson, THE FILM PHILOSOPHER

    February 22, 2002

    Best Picture

    Who will win this year's coveted "Best Picture" Oscar? The critics weight in:

    Moulin Rouge: "Ends up leaving you starved for a single moment of unhyped emotion. ... This is the only time I've been to a movie where the ringing of someone's cell phone wasn't an intrusion. The sound of a human voice in conversation seemed a godsend." -- David Edelstein, SLATE

    In The Bedroom: [A] turgid bout of navel gazing. [This has] been done so many times before in the world of independent cinema that it's become a cliché, and if it wasn't for the acting, this would be one of the most forgettable films of the decade. -- Eric Lurio, GREENWICH VILLIAGE GAZETTE

    A Beautiful Mind: "It's a tortured-genius movie, and Crowe lives down to the conception with a performance that is possibly the biggest load of hooey to stink up the screen this year." -- Charles Taylor, SALON

    Gosford park: "Something goes wrong in the telling of this tale of murder at the Gosford Park house party, circa 1932. That something can be summed up in two words: Robert Altman ... Tedium overwhelms caring well before this endless film finally concludes." -- Richard Schickel, TIME

    Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring: "Like hearing Wagner's Ring Cycle remastered by a genius of the kazoo." -- David Elliott, SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE

    February 01, 2002

    The Bad Review Revue

    The Bad Review Revue.

    [A Walk to Remember] "If you don't know every single plot point and twist after the first twenty minutes, you've done the sensible thing and left after the first ten." Walter Chaw, FILM FREAK CENTRAL

    "To regard The Mothman Prophecies merely as two hours of your life that you'll never get back is to miss the larger affront it poses." Bruce Newman, SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS

    [Birthday Girl] "A mess, from its clangingly false emotional manipulation to the silliest 'suspense' music ever composed on a kazoo." Gregory Weinkauf, Los Angeles New Times

    "The marketing weasels over at Disney deserve to have their beady little eyes gouged out with flaming icicles for the fast one they've pulled on audiences with Snow Dogs." Marc Savlov, Austin Chronicle

    [Slackers] "A shit stain on the genre." Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

    January 18, 2002

    The Bad Review Revue

    The Bad Review Revue.

    "I Am Sam wants so hard to be adored and admired. And for that, you can't help but loathe it." Robert Wilonsky, LOS ANGELES NEW TIMES

    "Unless there are zoning ordinances to protect your community from the dullest science fiction, Impostor is opening today at a theater near you." Mike Clark, USA TODAY

    "[The Majestic makes] Patch Adams looks like a tough-minded documentary about medical school." Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER

    "Who would have thought that Cameron Crowe had a movie as bad as Vanilla Sky in him?" Stephanie Zacharek, SALON.COM

    "THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS FILM. NOTHING. AT ALL. EVER. AT ALL ALL ALL!!! Ugly as sin, badly lit, poorly acted, logically untenable, and possibly not even written, Behind Enemy Lines is a total fucking travesty in which even the makeup is incompetently applied." Sean Nelson, THE STRANGER

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