February 18, 2009

The defective yeti Concert Calendar

Here are some upcoming dates and events that all citizens are required by law to know

Layer Tennis: A new season of Layer Tennis kicked off a few weeks ago, if I can mix my sports metaphors, and history suggests that I can. Last year, you may recall, I provided color commentary for the Halloween match. I'll be donning the smoking jacket and doling out the bon mot again tomorrow at 2:00 EST. If you want to keep abreast of All Things Layer Tennis, you can sign up for season tickets here and follow them on Twitter over yonder.

The Academy Awards: The Oscars will be held this Sunday, February 22, and it's not to late to whip up a quick Oscar Poll with the Make-Yer-Own Oscar Pool Page. Well, honestly, it probably is too late. But you have only yourself to blame for that, slacker.

Customer Service: Hey, remember that short story I wrote a while back, the one called "Customer Service"? No? Don't remember it? Then you are the target audience for Sex, Thugs, and Rock & Roll, an anthology of crime fiction will contains the tale. Be sure to pick up a copy, snuggle up with it on the couch, read the first three sentence of my story, and exclaim "aww shit--I did read this before, goddamn it."

July 03, 2008


Those of you who have commented on my "humor" posts and urged me to "keep my day job" will be pleased to know that I have taken your advice.

And if you've ever wondered what that day job entails, you can find out here.

May 01, 2008

Journey of a Thousand Miles

Sorry about the irregular posting schedule around here recently, but National Start! Walking Day was on April 16th and that's been keeping me pretty busy.

Speaking of which, if anyone knows when National Stop! Walking Day is, could you let me know? I probably should have checked before I left. Right now I'm about 7 miles outside of Spokane, heading east on I-90--just drive around until you find me. I'm covering about 30-35 miles a day, so keep take that into account. Also, if you could bring some power bars and water, that would be awesome, thanks.

[ link | dy]

April 07, 2008

Up For Air

Hi! Hi! Sorry!

I'm still here. Everything is fine. I've just been busy on this thing. And this other thing.

Here's the problem in a nutshell: I'm not one of those people who writes because he "needs to," I'm one of the people who writes because, at the end of the day, he likes having written (in the much the same way that I would love to know how to play guitar, but am not particularly interested in learning how). So if, at 8 PM, I've already cranked out 1000 words on some non-dy piece or another, I'm pretty much done for the day. Sorry NetarWeb.

The flip side is that, for five years or so, all my other projects have been getting the shaft: I'd write on defective yeti and punt on everything else, having already hit my word count quota for the day.

My New Year's Resolution for 2008 was to chip away at those projects that I have been putting off (crime stories, board game designs, etc.) This is the exact same resolution I made in 2007 and then more-or-less ignored for the subsequent 12 months. Last year I completed, like, one of my listed projects; right now I am wrapping up my third for 2008. Whether blog abstinence is contributing to my productivity or is a side-effect of it is anyone's guess, but it would appear that I can only work on one project at a time, and defective yeti qualifies as a project.

Sarah Hepola wrote eloquently (as usual) about this phenomenon in her Slate essay Why I Shut Down My Blog. Which isn't in any way to compare my ability to write to that of Sarah Hepola, only my ability to quit.

There have been some other factors keeping my out of the blogosphere as well. For one thing, the project I am currently working is about blogs, a upshot of which is that I am thoroughly sick of them. Except for yours, I mean. I still check yours twice daily.

(For the record, I am not being coy about the exact nature of this project because you'll hear about it soon and I need to keep it under wraps, but because the chances of it going anywhere are fat and slim. That said, remember this post when you start seeing ads for "Bla-La-Logs! The Musical!!" I've said too much already.)

Also, about two months ago, The Queen read the first 700 pages of The Stand and promptly came down with the superflu, so I had to spend a week spoon-feeding her chicken soup. That signaled the start of my hiatus. I had only intended to take a few days off, but then banded together with a motley crew of exhaustively described characters to walk to Las Vegas and confront the Walkin' Dude. So the whole thing took a bit longer than anticipated.

ANYway, my head is suffused with the observational detritus I have accumulated over weeks of not writing here, so I'll be back for this week at least. After that, we'll see how it goes. Cheers!

P.S. Thanks to everyone who who kept the home fires burning. It is comforting to know that, should I ever fall into a well, a crack team of blogonauts is standing by, ready to mock my absence.

P.S.S. My god, is there anything as intrinsically bloggy as a long and tedious post explaining why you haven't been blogging? Someone should start a blog that consists solely of daily, long-winded, and humorous entries purporting to explain why it hasn't been updated. Free idea. Yours for the taking.

February 18, 2008


No posts this week.

[ link | dy]

January 22, 2008

Oscar Pool Page

Yes, I'll set it up the Do-it-yourself Oscar Pool Page again this year. It will be online Friday. Ha! Who am I kidding? It will likely be online Monday.

[ link | dy]

January 14, 2008


defective yeti is six years old and still going strong well okay intermittently to be the death of me.

[ link | dy]

December 21, 2007

Merry Christmas


Squiggle & Santa, 2007

Merry Christmas to you and yours from me and mine and his and hers and theirs. Thanks for reading my dumb and poorly proofread blog for yet another year.

December 10, 2007

Tales From the Gym

Last week Mother Nature dumped six billion gallons of water onto Seattle in a 24 hour period, thereby calling an official end to ride-your-bike-to-work season.

Since then I have returned to my gym. And I had forgotten what an endless supply of anecdotes the gym provides its patrons. (Some previous ones here & here & here & here & here). I think I will devote this week to relating more of them.

[ link | dy]

October 22, 2007

See You Friday

I'm taking a few days off, both to finish the books I am reading before NaNoReMo 2007, and to limber up in preparation for Friday's Layer Tennis match, for which I will be providing (live!) color commentary. See you then.

[ link | dy]

July 20, 2007

Potter Errata

For the record, the Harry Potter post below contains no spoilers. (Or, if it does, they are inadvertent, as I know nothing about the book.)

Also, and just FYI: my review of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (which is also spoiler-free) tells you how to get caught up for Deathly Hallows without having to read all the books.

[ link | dy]

May 02, 2007

i saw u (redux)
i saw u

I saw u Thurs. at Sam's Bar & Grill. Me: blond, blue eyes, jeans, Hooters t-shirt, approached and suggested that we go to my place so you could check out my hard drive. You: pretty, petite, dark hair, reading "Underworld", said you'd rather eat a thumbtack sandwich than go home with me. I didn't get your number. Call me, drinks? 5099

That's an old post of mine from 2002, later reprinted in the book "Never Threaten To Eat Your Coworkers: Best of Blogs".

I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but, as near as I can tell, some students in a Ohio State University English class are reading Never Threaten, and have been told to comment on the "i saw u" entry. As that post's comments have long since closed, I'm creating this one in its stead. Go nuts.

P.s. I've been in touch with the class instructor and verified that this is on the level, despite all appearances.

P.p.s. Uncharitable comments will be deleted. The OSU students are welcome here and I'll thank you to treat them as guests. Update: I have given up. The "go nuts" exhortation now applies to all.

April 23, 2007

In The Weeds

Totally swamped this week; don't expect many posts.

[ link | dy]

April 11, 2007


Apparently defective yeti was name-checked in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer today.

My Seattle-related posts are available here. This is a good one. I like this one too.

[ link | dy]

April 04, 2007


Jon of Ransom Note Typography conducted a rather lengthy interview with me. It is available here.

My friend The Other Matthew also talked to me for a class project. That interview can be found here. I did not actually verify that the perl code would compile before I sent it; if you discover that it does not, I don't want to hear about it.

March 29, 2007

Taking Requests

Is everyone clear on the specifics of the US Attorney debacle, or should I do another Scandal Cheatsheet, as I did with the Plame Investigation? I was talking with some co-workers earlier today and surprised to discover that they didn't really have any clear idea what was going on; now I'm wondering if that's true of most normal people (i.e., those who, unlike me, don't obsessively follow political blogs).

In the comments, please let me know if you'd like a primer, if you don't feel the need for a primer, or if you are so uninterested in the whole thing that you wouldn't read a primer even if I wrote it. Thanks.

Update: People clearly need / want a primer, so now I ask that you use the comments to put specific questions you'd like addressed (e.g., "I don't understand is how this is news -
hasn't he [Bush] done that [kicked out people who didn't do what he wanted] for what? 7 years now?")

Update2: The primer will appear Monday in The Morning News. Keep those questions coming.

March 26, 2007

Miscellaneous Me

  • Mark Donovan wrote a very nice post about defective yeti on Metafilter. Now I'm going to link to his site, so that some of the many people who are coming here from MF will go there; then other people will think that we coordinated this in advance, and that it was really a self-link-by-proxy; then still others will drag Donovan to MetaTalk for a thorough tar-and-feathering. Mwah-hah-hah-hah!
  • I am interviewed today in Clever Parent. Which is akin to a Bush interview appearing in "Intelligent President," but I'll take it.
  • I started posting at Tricks of the Trade again, God alone knows why. I'll account for its absence when I relaunch it next Monday.
  • I wrote a treatment for a television show! So if anyone knows what the you are supposed to do with a treatment for a television show after you've written it, be sure and let me know, because I sure as hell don't.
  • My new year's resolution this year was to write at least one mystery story a month. My first one was posted here; my second one ... yeah, so, the resolution ain't going like gangbusters, so far. Still, I hope to finish (where "finish" = "begin and finish") another one this week, and I'll post it Monday for those who are interested in ladling out more heapin helpins of constructive criticism.
  • March 22, 2007

    dy Linkblog

    Well, let's try this ...

    Continuing my habit of adopting trends five years after they are in fashion, I've started a linkblog.

    It's over there in the right sidebar (--->), and the xml feed is available here.

    January 26, 2007

    Red Suspenders

    The following post was inspired by the thirty-sixth suggestion in No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog, which was randomly selected by Jan Ives of Dr Jan's Tips From The Top.

    To: Ma Baldwin
    From: Matthew Baldwin
    Date: Jan 26, 2007 11:58 AM
    Subject: Embarrassing photo

    Hi, mom. This week my defective yeti posts are based on a book of blog suggestion. I had my readers randomly select the topics, and today I'm supposed to post an embarrassing photo from when I was younger. I sure you have a few laying around the house. Can you pick one, scan it, and send it my way?


    * * *

    To: Matthew Baldwin
    From: Ma Baldwin
    Date: Jan 26, 2007 1:57 PM
    Subject: Re: Embarrassing photo

    Here you go. I love this photo, but I bet you are probably embarrassed by it.

    Red suspenders


    * * *

    To: Ma Baldwin
    From: Matthew Baldwin
    Date: Jan 26, 2007 3:10 PM
    Subject: Re: Embarrassing photo

    Oh, god. You win that bet.

    Sort of,

    January 23, 2007

    Do-It-Yourself Oscar Poll Page

    Yes, I'll run the Do-It-Yourself Oscar Poll Page again this year. Gimmie a few days; I'll have it set up by Friday.

    [ link | dy]

    January 19, 2007

    I LOL U

    Apparently Valley Wag has named me one of the 12 Funniest People on the Internet. I assume they mean "funny" in the sense of "does this mu shu pork taste funny to you?" because, otherwise, I can't imagine how I wound up in the company of Ze Frank and Bob Powers.

    Anyway, if you are coming here from that article, allow me to direct you to the favorite posts page, where some of these alleged gut-busters reside.

    [ link | dy]

    December 19, 2006

    It Never Rains ...

    Good news: five days after a devastating Seattle windstorm, the lights are back on at my house, the kitties are warm, and all is again good in the world. Best of all, I can resume posting to defective yeti.

    And not a moment too soon, as I have some hilarious observations about parking meters to share with you. Hah hah -- oh man, you're going to love these.

    You see, the other day I was driving around in my H3, and I happened to notice--

    Oops, Mount St. Helens is erupting. Gotta go.

    [ link | dy]

    December 18, 2006

    Slacker Suggestions Sought

    Yes, it's that most magical time of the year: time to send me links to the stupidest crap available for purchase on the Internet, for inclusion in my annual "Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers." Please post in the comments of this thread, or send to matthew@defectiveyeti.

    Previous Slacker's Guides: 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002.

    December 17, 2006


    Aerial shot of my neighborhood:

    Hey! I think I can not see my house from here!

    defective yeti will resume when I again have electricity, phone service, Internet connectivity, and my cats are no longer trying to burrow into my torso for warmth.

    [ link | dy]

    September 04, 2006

    Highest Form Of Flattery

    defective yeti ... IN THE NEWS!

    As far as the judge was concerned, the paper he ordered Brandon Dickens to write as punishment for ducking jury duty was plagiarized ...

    Dickens, formerly of Tyrone Township, originally landed in [the judge's] doghouse in June, when he failed to return to jury duty after a lunch break. The judge ordered him to spend three days observing a civil trial and to write a five-page paper on the history of jury service.

    When Dickens turned in the paper Aug. 30, a court employee recognized phrases from something else the employee had read previously. An Internet search showed many of the phrases came word for word from "Trials and Tribulations," a story by Seattle writer Matthew Baldwin that appeared in an online magazine, The Morning News ...

    Apparently I'm an inspiration to an entire generation of civic duty shirkers. Makes a guy feel are warm inside.

    The story first appeared in the Livingston Daily and was subsequentially picked up by AP. Jennifer and Patrick were the first of many to send it my way, and thanks for that.

    In forwarding the story, one reader said "his has got to be a sign of the quality of your writing." Well, that's one interpretation. Another is that Mr. Dickens just plugged the phrase "stuck in jury duty goddammit" into Google and swiped the first result.

    August 07, 2006

    Sorry ...

    ... that project took a bit longer than anticipated. Where "bit" is a synonym for "week."

    [ link | dy]

    July 24, 2006

    Week Off

    Devoting my spare time to another project this week; will return July 31st.

    [ link | dy]

    July 20, 2006

    Latch Hooked

    Sorry updates have been so sporadic lately. But I started playing World of Needlecraft, and you know how that goes. I keep promising myself that I'll quit, but then I'll get a Apocalypse Thimble or find some Pinking Shears of the Gathering Storm, and then it's back on another Appliqué adventure. I'm a level 47 Couturier now, but when I hit level 50 I swear to god I'm going to retire my Bobin Of The Zodiac for good.

    [ link | dy]

    June 12, 2006


    I apologize for my recent absence -- after my last post I was seized by the Secret Grammar Police and extradited to Gerundland as part of their War on Error. I was held in an underground modal and wasn't released until I swore to never again engage in wanton misapostrophication.

    (Actually, I was working on a project with the genius behind Goopymart, which should be appearing in The Morning News soon. I'll resume work on the yeti today.)

    During the my hiatus, someone reminded me that I'd long ago promised reviews of both Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Caylus, so I'll try and get those written shortly. Someone else asked for an update on The Squirrelly, and I'm working on one now. And I received email asking that I exhume those Vocabulary Bookmarks I posted a million years ago.

    So if anyone else would like to make a request or remind me about something I said I'd write but never did, I guess this is the thread to do so.

    Update: Sorry I didn't make this clear: the link on the Vocab Bookmarks page points nowhere. I removed the bookmarks PDF from my site a long time ago, back in the day when my webhost only gave me 10MB of space. As soon as I unearth them on my home PC I'll post them in a new entry.

    April 26, 2006

    Pretty Sneaky, Cyst

    I started a new job on Monday. Halfway through the New Employee Orientation I glanced down and noticed that my ganglion cyst had vanished, despite being there as recently as the evening before. Man, the health benefits at this place are fantastic!

    Anyway, updates may be a little sporadic for a while.

    [ link | dy]

    March 20, 2006


    I have a passel of projects that I need to start, advance, complete, or abandon, and I'm going to devote the remainder of March to sorting out which are which.

    defective yeti will return April 3rd. In the meanwhile, the favorite posts page has been updated for your perusing pleasure. See you soon.

    [ link | dy]

    January 30, 2006

    defective yeti: The Lost Weeks

    Hi there! My name is Matthew Baldwin, though longtime readers may remember me as The Guy Who Used To Update This Website Semi-Reliably.

    How was I able to blog five days a week, what with all my other pressing obligations such as taking vitamins and wishing I was an fireman? Well, see, I once used the hours between The Squirrelly's bedtime and my own to update the yeti, do a little freelance writing, maybe chip away at a book or two. It was a pretty good system, and one that served me well ... until the Lost: Season One DVDs started arriving from NetFlix about two weeks ago. Goodbye, free time!

    We are between discs at the moment. Hence the post. "Hence," I say!

    Let's see, what else is going on? Oh yeah, guess what I got? It's a sixth generation iPod Video, featuring two side-by-side screens that simultaneously display the same images but with key elements slightly offset, so when the viewer slightly crosses his eyes and focuses on an imaginary point 30 inches behind the screen, the two feeds merge into one, glorious, 3-D video!

    No, I'm just kidding. What I actually have is a ganglion cyst. AWESOME!

    (They are often just referred to as "ganglions," but I thought long and hard about what which word would be the most unpleasant to suddenly encounter while reading an otherwise inoffensive blog entry, and as "cyst" was at the top of the list I made an extra effort to include it.)

    Fortunately, ganglions are not one of those bad cysts, the kind that are harbingers of Something Really Bad or that indicate that a critter that is Not You has taken up residence in something that Is You. Instead it's just a slightly tender lump on the back of my left hand where some joint lubrication fluids have accumulated. (Fun fact: This is my -- and possibly the -- first blog post ever including the phrase "joint lubrication fluids."). I'm going to see my doctor about it later this week, but all the literature on ganglions basically say "oh quit crying you big baby -- it's pretty much harmless and will probably go away on its own."

    And if it doesn't go away, I can always exorcise it using The Word of God. I don't mean faith healing or anything -- I mean that, in Ye Olde Olden Dayes of Yore, the typical cure for a ganglion was to hit it with a Bible. America's healthcare costs would be a lot lower if more ailments could be cured in this manner:

    Husband: Damnit, this runny nose just won't stop.

    Wife: I'll get the Gideon

    I don't know if we've got a bible around the Baldwin household, but if this thing gets any bigger I may just have to get all Harry Potter And The Order of the Phoenix on its ass.

    The worst thing about this ganglion is that it's so small and innocuous that I'm having trouble getting people to sympathize. When I mentioned it to Torrez, for instance, his first reaction was to sing:

    Because your cyst, your cyst, is on my wrist
    Because your cyst, your cyst, I can't resist ...
    Here some more things that have been occupying my otherwise-woulda-be-blogging moments:

    • You know what's a great blog? Poster Wire, a site completely dedicated to the deconstruction of movie posters. I love it because its focus seems like a topic that no one could expound upon for more than three minutes without becoming a crashing bore, and yet every post is fascinating. Likewise: Gluten-Free Girl.
    • I've never played the Magic: The Gathering card game, but I recently downloaded Duels Of The Planeswalkers from The Underdogs and, despite the title having a few too many plurals, the game has pretty effectively hoovered up any crumbs of free time that Lost left behind.
    • The Queen and I watched The Aristocrats, a documentary about the world's dirtiest joke. The movie, like the titular joke, goes on and on and on, but it's amazing that Penn Jillette was able to craft a 90 minute film about a single joke that mostly manages to keep the viewer laughing and interested. If you don't know the Aristocrats joke -- well, my first suggestion would be to rent this film. But if you've just got to know, you can hear one of the many tellings here. Warning: Only work safe if your office door is closed, the volume is turned all the way down, and no one in your place of business speaks English.

    • Links! Yes, exactly. I haven't even seen the movie and thought this was hilarious. Mesmerizing.

    January 10, 2006


    As incredible as it may sound, I have been writing defective yeti for five years now. Five years of conversations and great ideas. Five years of stories and tomfoolery. Five years of tales about The Queen and The Squirrelly. Five years of book, film, and game reviews. Five years of humorous observations about yogurt.

    I've learned a lot in that time -- about blogging, about the Internet, and even a little about myself. And what better time than the fifth anniversary of this site to impart my hard-earned knowledge to you, the loyal defective yeti readership?

    It all began on a cold, crisp winter afternoon, January 10, 2002. Blogging was still a nascent technology at the time, something most people had never even heard of, but I've always been something of a trailblazer. I vividly recall the moment when I conceived of the content for my first post. I had just finished a novel by Proust and was sitting in my den sipping shiraz, when the most extraordinary --

    Wait, hang on. 2002 to 2003, that's one. 2003 to 2004 is two. 2004 to 2005, 2005 to 2006 ... uh ...

    Okay, I guess it's only been four years. Jesus, for real? It feels like for-freakin'-ever. 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006 -- shit, yeah: four years. Ah man, that totally sucks.

    I had this whole "commemorative fifth year anniversary post" planned out in my head and everything. Now I'll only get to use it if I blog for a whole 'nother year. GodDAMNIT!

    January 05, 2006

    Best Of 2005

    Favorite movie of 2005: I put off making this list for a week because Crash arrived from Netflix last Friday. Crash has appeared at the top of a number of "best of 2005" lists (including Roger Ebert's), so I figured I ought to see it before rendering my verdict. Well, I watched it last night, and my verdict is: whaa? Best film of 2005? I mean it was good 'n' all, but it depicts Los Angeles as being about the size of a basketball court and inhabited by a little over a dozen citizens, such that every event in the city will necessarily involve at least two of them. Plus, every moment where I thought "Wow, the writing in this film is excellent" was matched by at least one moment where a snippet of dialogue or "plot twist" brought me to the brink of eye-rolling. It might be the best 2005 film I saw all year (if only because I saw so few), but I enjoyed both Batman Begins and Grizzly Man more.

    Favorite Older Film That I saw In 2005: Sideways, followed closely by Kung-Fu Hustle.

    Biggest Cinematic Disappointment: Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. Great story, great director, great star, great child actor, great first 30 minutes ... then it all goes pear-shaped.

    Favorite Fiction Books Read: Thanks to the Booklist 2005 Project, I read a lot of amazing stuff this year. Top five:

    Favorite Non-fiction Books Read:
    Book I Expected to Hate and Wound Up Liking Quite a Bit: Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince (will review soon).

    Favorite Albums of 2005: Honestly, I'm just not passionate enough about music to have "favorites," but the three 2005 albums I listened to the most often this year were:

    Favorite Boardgames of 2005:

    Favorite Boardgames of 2005 Caveat: I still haven't played Caylus.

    Favorite Flash Games of 2005:

    Favorite Interactive Fiction Game Played in 2005: All Things Devours.

    Only Interactive Fiction Game Played in 2005: Well, okay: All Things Devours ... but it was really good.

    October 11, 2005

    The Fine Art Of Writing

    Sorry about the paucity of posts in the last two weeks, but it took a while for me to get that ASD entry out, and everything else got stoppered up.

    It's like I have this pipe of things I want to write about, but if the one at the end of the chute is really big or hard it will block all the stuff that entered the pipe later. So I sit down and struggle and strain to push it out, because the backup makes me uncomfortable. And when it finally does emerge, it's like everything behind it explosively uh, it, uhhh ...

    In retrospect I kind of wish I'd picked a different analogy for my blogging style.

    [ link | dy]

    August 31, 2005

    Business Week's Best Of The Web Poll

    Due to a clerical error, defective yeti has been nominated for Best Humor Website in the Business Week 2005 Best Of The Web Poll. It is currently trailing what is generally regarded to be the finest humor site in the history of the Internet, and neck-and-neck with a site about people putting remote controls on their Nebelungs.

    While you are there, please vote for Mighty Goods in the category of Best Shopping Website, because Maggie once bought me brunch.

    August 29, 2005

    Okay, Back For Reals

    Between The Game, writing about The Game, an unhealthy addiction to Doukutsu Monogatari, and my annual August weblog ennui, I've been a very poor blogger of late. But I think we're back on track, as of today.

    Also! If Katrina And The Waves was ever going to come out of retirement, today would be the day to do it.

    [ link | dy]

    August 22, 2005


    If you're irritated that I haven't been posting, here's the man to blame.

    August 17, 2005

    Week Off

    Well, it's Wednesday and I haven't posted anything, so apparently I am taking the week off.

    Week off! Go here instead.

    [ link | dy]

    June 30, 2005



    [ link | dy]

    June 22, 2005

    Flickr, Finally

    Because I love being on the cutting-edge of technology, I got me a Flickr account. Only, like, a year after it was cool to do so. Oh well, better late ...

    [ link | dy]

    June 21, 2005

    dy Down

    Switching to a new host; dy will be down for a bit this evening.

    Update: Well that certainly didn't work. Maybe I'll try again on the weekend. On the up side, while my email address was pointing to The Void I saw a significant decrease in spam.

    [ link | dy]

    May 23, 2005

    Not Ignoring This Blog ...

    ... just been kinda busy working on this thing, and this other thing.

    Reviewsapalooza starts tomorrow, though.

    [ link | dy]

    May 09, 2005

    Week Off

    No posts this week -- I am devoting every spare moment to reading House of Leaves.

    That said, I will have a piece running in The Morning News on Thursday, and will probably post a review of Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy sometime tomorrow. Both are exempt from my "don't do anything until you finish House of Leaves" program because they are already written, and only require formatting.

    [ link | dy]

    April 28, 2005

    Newer Rule

    Matt Haughey invented a new Internet rule. I did not know we could do that. I assumed that new Internet rules had be approved by the W3 foundation or Al Gore or the Gnomes of Zürich or something, but apparently you can just make 'em up. INF0RMED.

    So here's my new rule: no activist judges can read this site. The thought of activist judges, scourge of democracy, getting any enjoyment from my weblog is just too much for me to bear, so I'm putting my foot down. This may seem harsh, but, then again, it's not like I'm the one waging a war against people of faith.

    It occurs to me, though, that my rule is a bit harder to enforce than Matt's. After all, when he finds someone in violation of his edict he just stops reading their site, whereas I have to find a way to prevent activist judges from reading mine. I guess I could check host names and block anyone who is using Unamerican Online as an ISP. Or I put something in place that looks at a visitor's referer and blocks them they came from leftwingjustice.com, legislatefromthebench.com, or gaymarriagelovingjudges.net -- that should prevent activist judges from coming here and chuckling knowingly at my charming witticisms.

    Oh, but -- you know what? I put a referral filter in place, activist judges will probably just bookmark my site or type defectiveyeti.com directly into their location bar. That's exactly the sort of thing they would, goddamnit. OOO THOSE ACTIVIST JUDGES MAKE ME SO ANGRY!!!

    [ link | dy]

    April 01, 2005

    New Job!

    Updates to this blog might be kind of sporadic from now on because I just found out that I'm the pope. I don't really know much about Catholicism, but always figured that popes were elected, or picked by a council, or the next in line just became magically popey when the old one died (like on Buffy The Vampire Slayer). Wrong on all accounts -- apparently my name was selected in a random drawing. I filled out a contest card at a "24 Fitness Gym" a few years ago for a chance to win a trip to Hawaii, but I didn't really read the fine print and was unaware that fourth prize was the papacy.

    So anyway, I'll be starting a new job on Monday. It seems like a pretty good gig: I get to run a small country, and I get to tell millions of people what to do, and I get a discount at the Vatican commissary. I have to pay for my own work uniform, though, and that kind of sucks. I have no idea where to buy one of them hats.

    [ link | dy]

    March 28, 2005

    The yeti Lives

    Well, you can't keep a good blog down -- or defective yeti either, apparently. Despite my attempts to put the site out to pasture for a week and save on bandwidth costs, the homepage kept lurching from the grave like a villain from an 80's era slasher film and reinstalling itself at /index.html, repeatedly clobbering the "Gone Fishing" message I had put there.

    It took me the weekend to figure out how it was pulling off this Lazarus routine, but now I think it can be attributed to the same force that is responsible for, like, 94% of everything that happens on the Internet: spammers. Comment spammers, specifically.

    Comment spammers don't visit blogs, click on the "comment" link, and then carefully type in their pitch for "Viagra, Cialis, Zyban, Prozac, Xenical, and many many more!" Instead, they have scripts that cycle through a database full of mt-comment.cgi URLs and pass the text of their spam directly to the script as the "text" parameter, thereby bypassing the webpage entirely*. So while I had dy shut down to real users, the comment spammers were still merrily pinging the mt-comment.cgi script on a regular basis -- and incidentally rebuilding index.html every time they did. Several times over the weekend I drifted over to defectiveyeti.com and saw that the homepage had once again broken out of the back yard and was running loose in the neighborhood.

    Well, hell. I guess I could just disable the mt-comment.cgi script, but, seriously, at this point it's becoming more work to abandon the site than to maintain it. So I guess I'll just keep posting for the rest of the month, bandwidth bill be damned.

    A big thanks to everyone who offered to chip in funds to cover costs. I really appreciate the offers, although I'm not prepared to go the PayPal route just yet. Taking people's money means that this blog becomes a job (at least in my mind), and I think we'll all be happier if I continue to approach it as a hobby. I like knowing that I can take a week off or blather on about my my personal obsessions without feeling like I'm letting down my stockholders. Besides, what if you kicked in $10 to keep dy up for the rest of March and then the next seven days worth of entries were lame? (Which, judging from my "yeti to-do" list, is going to be the case. Just you watch.)

    Some good things came out of the shutdown, by the way. I found a slew of bandwidth thieves who had been hotlinking to jpgs in my images directory and shut them all down, so that should cut by throughput by a quarter right there. And I've arranged to have the site hosted elsewhere starting in April, so we shouldn't see this again.

    For the remainder of this week I plan to keep my bandwidth overrun costs to a minimum by keeping the images shut off, limiting the homepage posts to five, and only writing dull and uninspired entires to ensure that no one links to them.

    * It occurs to me that there may be an easy way to foil automated comment spammers, based on the fact that they don't actually go through an individual page to post. You could put a hidden field in you Movable Type template -- <input type="hidden" name="commentspammerssuck" value="1" />, say -- and then put a line in mt-comments.cgi that tells it to exit immediately if that parameter isn't present. Shit, that might actually work. I'll try it and report my findings.
    March 22, 2005

    Full RSS Feed

    Okay, I received two requests in 24 hours to provide full RSS feed, so I finally set up the site to do so. I just cut 'n' pasted the template from here, so if anyone has any problems with it, lemmie know.

    Update: I've also linked to the xml feed in the source header.

    March 14, 2005

    Monday Morning Odds & Ends

    Why no entry for Friday? Well, I wrote a nice, long post, but then The Morning News swooped in and nicked it. So it will be appearing over there sometime this week.

    Speaking of The Morning News, I'll be working on a sequel to my "Tricks of the Trade" article and the TotT book proposal this next week, so if you have any submissions, now's the time to get them to me. For examples of good tricks, see the original essay at The Morning News.

    Moved the announcement of my reading with Kevin Guilfoile up a post because I am dumb and got the date wrong ...

    Also! It appears that, for the second time after having been nominated for a Bloggie in the "Most Humorous Website" category, defective yeti again wound up as a bridesmaid and not a bride. Obviously I am crushed, but I shall keep my chin up. My motto, after all, is: There are no "losers," only "winners" that consistently fail.

    And furthermore! I am currently involved in a grudge match with Mark Bottrell and he threated to unlink my blog from his blog and I was unable to retaliate because I have not linked to his blog from my blog so I have added his blog Ufcker to my sidebar so I can unlink it if things get any worse between us.

    [ link | dy]

    February 23, 2005

    It's Not Too Late ...

    ... to Make Your own Oscar Pool Page.

    [ link | dy]

    February 07, 2005

    Odds and Ends

    Posting may be sporadic for the remainder of the month, as I am working on a Sooper Secret Side Project. I can't provide any specifics, except to say that it involves raw bacon and ducks.

    Also, this may well become review week, as a I have a backlog of Things To Critique. So watch for those. Assuming I post anything at all this week. Which I may not.

    [ link | dy]

    January 26, 2005

    2005 Bloggies

    defective yeti was nominated for a 2005 Bloggie award, in the "Most Humorous Blog" category. Hooray for defective yeti!

    I made a passing reference to this fact on Monday, in a brief post where I predicted that most readers would instead vote for Dooce, who is also a finalist in the same category. I think some people misinterpreted this as some sort of subtle, sour-grapes, reverse-psychology ploy on my part to get people to pat me on the shoulder and say "there, there -- you are so much funnier than Dooce." Others took it as a subtle dig at Heather's expense. Ah, no. People, rest assured: when I use subtlety, I will make it painfully obvious.

    Heather and I are friends -- not physical, we-go-out-and-play-miniature-golf-together friends, true, but certainly as Internet, we're-in-a-book-together, we-both-just-had-kids, my-wife-often-gets-us-confused, we've-been-known-to-exchange-mix-CDs friends -- and no weblog award hoohaw is going to suddenly make us rivals. Furthermore, I would be reluctant to compete against Heather in anything, for fear of a thorough ass-kicking. Well, maybe pie-eating. I bet I could pull a draw in pie-eating. Possibly Boggle.

    Anyway, some folks were badmouthing Dooce in the comments of that post, so I pulled it. I recognize that one of the central tenets of quality blogging is that you never delete anything you've written, so I guess it's a good thing that, from this site's very inception, quality has never entered the equation. Besides: if The Queen were to discover that people we're dissing her favorite site on my site, I'd probably wind up sleeping on the couch. So its removal was an act of self-preservation, really.

    I think that's enough said about that.

    Anyway, thanks for the nomination, person and/or people who nominated me! Now that I've been nominated twice, Voiceover Man can start mention that fact in any movie trailers I happen to appear in. ("Starring Acadamy Award Winner Denzel Washington, Acadamy Award Winner Judi Dench, and two-time Bloggie Nominnee Matthew Baldwin, in Land Before Time XI: Rise Of The Machines...")

    And, now: let the "Most Humorous Blog" nominations second-guessing begin! The comments are open: please mention the blogs that make you go hah hah hah. I'll start with Mr. Sun, Fafblog and The Sneeze.

    January 19, 2005

    When Animal Lovers Attack!

    I eventually turned off the comments for this post, because I got tired of people comparing me to Mussolini for mocking Animal Planet. But if people are going to send me email directly, maybe I should just turn them back on.

    From: R H
    To: matthew@defectiveyeti.com
    Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 16:39:56
    Subject: Your Website

    I just viewed your website for the 1st time. Perhaps you should stick to Golden Girls and not watch animal shows... it seems to me like you are too young or immature to even have a rational opinion on the reality of how dangerous the Animal Cops jobs can really be ... do you even have a job? I am wondering in what position you feel you are in to judge the work they do? If you don't care about the welfare of animals....then why don't you just keep your opinions to yourself?

    Tell you what: I'll start caring about the welfare of animals when you stop engaging in wanton ellipsis abuse.

    [ link | dy]

    January 10, 2005

    Three Years
    December 24, 2004

    Merry Whathaveyou

    Well, apparently I am taking this week off. And I'll probably take next week off as well. I kind of feel like my muse is on winter break, or that I depleted my year's allotment of creativity a few weeks early.

    But I'll be back on Januray 3rd. In the meantime, Happy Holidays from The Queen, The Squirrelly and I.

    December 16, 2004

    Desperately Seeking Stupid

    It's that time of year again: time to ask dy readers to send me stupid shit you can buy on teh Internets for inclusion in my annual "Holiday Survival Guide For Slackers." Examples!

    The Little Whizzer Liquor Dispenser is a small, plastic statue of a toddler that pees gin into your tonic. The Spencer Gifts Web site describes this as ‘A great conversation piece with a purpose!’ I have no idea what that purpose could be. Freaking me the hell out, that’s my guess. Guaranteed to elicit exactly one forced guffaw from the gift recipient before he opts to store it in the farthest reaches of his crawlspace.

    You hate her on radio; you hate her on TV; now you can hate Ms. Schlessinger in the privacy of your own home with the Dr. Laura Board Game! Sure, you could play by the rules, drawing ‘dilemma cards’ and trying to predict what advice Dr. Laura would give, but I find it much more entertaining to simply invite over my favorite gays, feminists, and ‘mixed-marriage’ couples, set the game on the kitchen table, gather ‘round, and hate it. All components 100-percent flammable!

    Those were taken from my 2002 guide, and last year's is available here.

    if you have any suggestions for the 2004 installment, please drop me a line at matthew@defectiveyeti.com, or mention it in the comments of this post. Thanks!

    December 09, 2004

    Freedom Of Speech Is Cancelled!

    My comments are broken at the moment, with every submission resulting in a "500 Internal Server Error." I have no idea what the issue is, but dy will be a one-way transmitter until I get 'em fixed.

    If anyone has seen this before with Moveable Type and knows how to troubleshoot it, drop me a line.

    Update: Switched from the Berkley db to mysql, comments are again working.

    November 03, 2004

    Oh, Well
    Yay Goopy.
    [ link | dy]

    October 28, 2004

    Comments = Broken?

    I just upgraded to Movable Type 3.1, but despite that fact that I have the "Enable Unregistered Comment Moderation" field unchecked in the configurations, it's still insisting that I approve all incoming comments. Has anyone else had this problem, and did you find a solution? If so, drop me a line ... or tempt fate by -- ha! -- letting me know in the comments.

    Update: Fixed! Thanks to everyone who tipped me off to the MT 3.x / mt-blacklist 2.x incompatibility -- that was, indeed, the problem.

    October 01, 2004

    Autos and Aircraft

    I'm thinking about donating my old car to the Seattle Council For The Blind. But I have some reservations because, you know, I'd feel totally bad if some blind guy got in an accident while driving a car I donated.

    Mount St. Helens is erupting and, judging from the above, I've run out of funny things to say, so I guess that's my cue to fly to the East Coast. I'll be in D.C. on Monday and Tuesday of next week, and updates will be sporadic.

    [ link | dy]

    September 13, 2004

    Week Off

    I'm taking this week off from the yeti, but will continue to post at Tricks of the Trade.

    [ link | dy]

    August 02, 2004

    Return Of The yeti

    I bought one of those George Foreman Grills. It works pretty well, but I hate the way it makes everything taste like George Foreman.

    Yeah, so, my plan to post while on vacation didn't really pan out, although you'll notice that my plan to not post the week before vacation succeeded marvelously. I'm back now, though, so get ready for me to, um, post, uh, several things ... that I've never posted .. before. Or, whatever.

    [ link | dy]

    July 19, 2004

    Week Off

    I'm taking a few days off to prepare for a trip to D.C., but will be posting next week while in the nation's capitol.

    [ link | dy]

    July 14, 2004

    In Case You Missed It The First Time ...

    ... my comments on Amazon plogs.

    [ link | dy]

    June 03, 2004

    Born To Plog

    Hello! It looks like I am receiving a host of new visitors, thanks to a link on Amazon's new Plog page. A Plog, as near as I can tell, is a "personalized log," and is like a "blog" except you can't personalize it. Also, instead of you writing it and other people reading it, robots write it and you read it. Also, instead of being open to the world, only you can see it. But aside from that, it's pretty much nothing like a blog.

    Funny anecdote: I worked at Amazon for a few years, but then they made me put all my belongings in a cardboard box and had security escort me from the building. Hah hah, true story! You might think that would make me bitter -- what with them giving me the heave-ho and now using my work as part of a marking campaign -- and you might further speculate that I would use this opportunity to speak directly to Amazon consumers by badmouthing the company. But you'd be wrong, because I still own Amazon stock. So, if you came here via the Amazon link, please go back to the site and complete your transaction before reading any further.

    Honestly, I harbor no ill will toward Amazon. And, truth be told, they do have some claim on my blog. During my stint at Earth's Biggest Bookstore, part of my duties included blogging, of a sort. For a while I was the liaison between the IT department and customer service , a position that required me to send technical updates to several hundred CS representatives every two hours. As there was often no real news to report, I usually padded the updates with funny stories, amusing asides, and links to notable new websites. (To put in perspective how long ago this was in Internet time, consider that "mapquest.com" was deemed a fascinating new addition to the double-you double-you double-you in 1999.) In other words, I was creating something akin to the contemporary blog. Well, moreso akin than "plogs," at any rate.

    And lookit me now: five years later Amazon cooks up a top-ten list featuring the likes of Lileks and musings of Megnut, and my site is listed smack dab in the middle (until they catch wind of this post, at any rate). What a mad, mad, crazy, man, topsy-turvy world we live in. I guess it's true what they say: purchase crap from Amazon frequently, and drive their stock price through the roof.

    [ link | dy]

    May 17, 2004


    Can't post ... busy playing Slouching Toward Bedlam ...

    [You may need WinFrotz]

    [ link | dy]

    April 26, 2004

    Hasta El Mayo

    I think I am taking a week off.

    Why, yes. Yes I am.

    [ link | dy]

    January 19, 2004

    How Time Flies

    Hey, whoa. The second anniversary of defective yeti skulked right on by me. I started this whatever on January 10 of 2002, and have somehow managed to keep at for 24 straight months, which is pretty much longer than I have engaged in any activity not regulated by my brain stem.

    I attribute my dedication to two things: (a) idiot drug junkies on my bus who keep saying hilariously stupid things that I feel compelled to put down in hypertext, and (b) you guys, who, for reasons I find largely unfathomable, keep reading this ridiculous thing and leaving awesome comments.

    Last year, upon hitting the one-year mark, I hemmed and hawed about continuing; this year I know for a fact that I'll be posting for another 52 weeks at least. (Although I expect output to drop for a while after The Squirrelly arrives. My output, I mean: I'm sure The Squirrelly's output will be voluminous.) I've gone from the stage where I was crazy-excited about the yeti to the stage where I kind of viewed it to a chore to the point where I can't imagine not writing here every few days. So I guess quitting is no longer an option, really.

    That said, I'm taking this week off, both to celebrate the anniversary and because I'm having my first honest-to-goodness freak-out about the prospect of a small human being joining the Baldwin Clan. I will therefore be devoting the rest of the week to obsessively researching the Consumer Reports rankings of onesies and having the radiator fluid in my car changed for no obvious reason.

    I'll be back on the 26th, and should have a piece in The Morning News later this week.

    Thanks everybody!
    Matthew Baldwin

    December 22, 2003

    Christmas Week Goodies

    I'm taking Christmas week off, but here's a few goodies.

    My 2003 Holiday Survival Guide For Slackers appears in The Morning News today. Credit where it's due: thanks to

    • K for Revolve: The Complete New Testament
    • Skwm for the Trebuchet store.
    • Rob (Cockerham?) for reminding me of my buddy's "Juiceman" story.
    • Everyone else who offered suggestions.

    I'll get a review for Return Of The King up by the end of the day festive holiday season, (look for it below this post).

    I'll be yammering about boardgames on the KUOW's The Beat. I believe my segment is slated to air on the December 24th show.

    I've updated my favorite posts.

    And speaking of goodies, Daymented sent the yeti some cookies and a kickass mix CD. I hereby declare Stace and Sean Dayment to be: awesome.

    Merry What-Have-You, and a happy Something Else!

    December 08, 2003

    Holiday Survival Guide For Slackers 2003

    I'm working on my annual Holiday Survival Guide For Slackers and I'm looking for suggestions. If you know of some stupid crap available for purchase on the intarweb, you can mention it here or drop me an email. Thanks!

    November 21, 2003

    xxx defective yeti EXCLUSIVE xxx

    Michael Jackson's booking photo.

    [ link | dy]

    November 20, 2003

    2003 Flossathon

    A BIG thanks to those local Seattle celebrities who participated in the 2003 defective yeti Flossathon yesterday: Leslie Miller, Dan Wilson, Ron Sims, and, of course, Paul Allen -- they were all here in the defective yeti studio, flossing for 24 continuous hours to help raise money for the blog!!

    And I'm pleased to announce that we not only met out goal of $35 but SMASHED THROUGH IT, raising over $37 for operational costs and snacks! That's enough to keep defective yeti online for another three weeks!!!!!

    We apologize to those who tried to phone in a pledge after 3:00 yesterday afternoon -- unfortunately we had to stop taking calls because the bleeding gums and loose teeth made it excruciatingly painful to talk. But next year we hope to have a non-flossathoner answering the phones.

    Thanks again for your support!!!

    [ link | dy]

    October 31, 2003

    Week Off

    The Queen and I are taking a weeklong vacation to Texas. I'll be back on November 10th with a report.

    [ link | dy]

    October 22, 2003

    Band of yeti


    From: B.
    To: Matthew Baldwin
    Subject: Defective Yeti band

    Hey Matthew My name is B. Well me and my friends started a band recently and we were looking for a name for it. We were at a site andclicked on a link and it took us to your page and we saw defective yeti printed and we thought that was really cool and we really wanted to call our band that..I wasn't sure if that was ok or legal and I was wondering if that works or if we need to find another name...(right now we arent more then a garage/basement band) but we are still unsure. If you could write back that would be good. Thanks and nice website name.


    * * * * * * * * * *

    From: Matthew Baldwin
    To: B.
    Subject: Re: Defective Yeti band

    Hello B. "defective yeti" was originally intended to be my band name, but after a few years of carrying it around in my head I suddenly realized that I had no band. Then I used it for my website instead, the end.

    Still, it would be a shame for it not to be used by some band somewhere. So knock yourself out. HOWEVER! There are three conditions:

    1. I can reprint your letter on my site;
    2. If you band ever does a show in Seattle (and is still using the name), you will comp me in to a show;
    3. If your band ever becomes crazy-successful (and is still using the name), you will invite me to the orgiastic celebration that will inevitably follow the announcement that one of your records has gone gold.
    Best o' luck. I hope the name treats you as well as it has treated me.

    Matthew Baldwin

    P.s. I'm saving this email. If you try and welch on any of the above conditions I'm going to totally Judge Judy your ass.

    [ link | dy]

    September 09, 2003

    Hello EDTEC 470!

    One of the most fascinating this* about blogs is the ability to respond in "real-time" to events around the world, especially those that occur in what we quaintly refer to as "the blogosphere". For example, I had no foreknowledge whatsoever that my blog was going to become part of a class reading assignment, but my referrer logs seem to indicate that many people are currently visiting because they have been assigned to do so in an college course. If defective yeti were a traditional publication -- a newspaper, say -- I would have to wait until the next print run to send a big "shout out" to my new readers. But the nature of blogging is such that it allows me to do so moments after I first discover that I have been linked. This sense of immediacy is certainly one of the many factors that have contributed to the phenomenal popularity of blogging in recent years.

    Another thing that sets blogs apart from "old media" is their interactivity, so feel free to leave a comment.

    By the by, I have no doubt that your professor is doing a crackjack job, but you can find out more about blogs over here.

    (* sadly, the downside to immediacy is a woeful lack of proofreading ...)

    August 21, 2003

    Bring It On!

    While I'm taking this week off, feel free to send me any complaints or criticism you might have about defective yeti. When doing so, please use one of the following subjectlines:

    • Details
    • Approved
    • That movie
    • Wicked Screensaver
    • Thank you!
    My email filter will then route your message to the correct destination.

    Thank you!

    [ link | dy]

    May 15, 2003


    Hello sailor! If you're here because of the KUOW's Weekday program on blogs and are eager to learn more about weblogs or online journals or baby possums, here's a bevy of links that you may find useful. And I'm sure that the defective yeti readership will be happy to provide additional resources in the comments below.

    Blog Readin'
    My favorite blogs are listed over on my homepage's sidebar, but here are a few worthy of emphasis:

    Seattle Blogs: There are too many excellent Seattle blogs to even start listing here. Thankfully, someone else has already gone through the trouble -- check out The Seattle Weblog Portal.
    Honest-to-Godness Weblogs: First up, Robot Wisdom. When the term 'weblog' was coined, this is what it meant (and Robot Wisdom's founder, Jorn Barger, ought to know -- he's the one who coined it). Here's another Cardhouse.
    Pioneers: These guys have been blogging from the get-go, and have built up a dedicated following.
    Weblog Directories and Listings: where to find just about anyone's blog.
    Community Blogs: weblogs written by a community rather than by a single person.
    Political Blogs:
    A few that will crack you up:
    And here it is: The Soup Blog

    Blog Writin'
    Wanna try your hand? Here's some sites with history, tips, and software relating to blogs.
    First! Read Meg Hourihan article What We're Doing When We Blog, which says everything that I would have said on the air if I had the ability to say things well.

    The History Of Blogs:
    Weblog News:
    • Blogdex - a kind of "what's Hot" for the blogging community.
    • DayPop - weblog search engine.
    • BlogRoots - weblog news
    Tips For A Starting Blog:Blogging Software And Sites:

    Baby Possums
        Photos of baby possums!
    Thanks to Anita Rowland for her help in compiling these links (except for the baby possum resource -- that was all me).

    May 05, 2003

    ... And I Ain't Shut My Piehole Since
    Yes that's me: back row, far right, mouth agape.
    [ link | dy]

    April 11, 2003

    Hasta El Mayo

    I am on the verge of Blogger Burnout (this was your first clue). I'm not quite there yet, but I kinda feel like the yeti has been treading water for a few weeks, so I'll do us all a favorite and take a break before my posts become nothing more than announcements that I have nothing to say.

    I have updated my favorite posts and added a few new blogs to my sidebar (check out Izzle Pfaff -- it rocks like Samanatha Fox), so read those in my absence.
    Or you could just stare at this this mesmerizing animated gif for hours on end. Lord knows I have.

    I'll be back on May 1st. See ya.

    [ link | dy]

    March 31, 2003

    Everybody Loves Excuses

    I'm attending yet another work conference this week (for those of you keeping score, that's three in six weeks), so this week's postings will be desultory.

    Also: desultory!

    [ link | dy]

    March 26, 2003

    Rock The Vote!

    Hey, just a quick straw vote: who here is in favor of me shutting the hell up about politics for a while and getting back to the defective yeti basics (i.e., screeds about how comic books have sucked since they cancelled Power Pack, photos of my cats, and humorous observations about yogurt). Come on, let's see a show of hands. One. Two. Three. You in the back too? Yes? Okay, four. Five. Six. Seven. Okay, it looks like seven. Which, if I'm not mistaken, is my entire readership.

    Motion passed!

    February 03, 2003

    Week! Off!

    The Adventures of Pluto Nash has been released on DVD, so I'm taking a week off and will return on the 10th. In the meantime, go read this guy.

    January 23, 2003

    Another Milestone

    defective yeti is pleased to annnounce that today marks thirty-two straight years of Not Giving A Rat-Ass About The Superbowl. A big "thank you" to everyone who took the time to send cards and congratulatory emails -- I couldn't have done it without you! *

    * Lie.

    January 22, 2003


    Good morning. defective yeti is up for the "Most Humorous Weblog" Bloggie. I was sorta hoping it would get nominated for "Best New Weblog" or "Least Spellchecked" or something else I'd have a hope of winning, but "Most Humorous" it is.

    Don't get me wrong: this is great news for my Brobdingnagian ego! But it's also bad news for the yeti-reading public, because now that I'm "on the spot," as they say, the next fortnight's worth of entries are certain to be violently unfunny, just as a multitude of visitors stop by to "check" me "out" before voting for Wil Wheaton. So if you're here four days from now, and you're wondering why every post after this one is all like "let me tell you about this great For Better Or Worse strip I read this morning, LOL!!!," that's what's going on. Go read these instead.

    Or, better yet, go read Cockeyed or Mimi Smartypants or Torrez.org, pretend that it's me writing all that ha-ha, and vote accordingly. (That last one is kinda tricky, since Andre Torrez is also up for the "Most Humorous Weblog" award. So it's crucial that you remember, at all times, that you're pretending I wrote the funny stuff on his site. Otherwise you might get confused and vote for him. Here's a mnemonic you can use: "If Torrez makes you laugh so hard that you become sweaty, vote for the yeti".)

    Thanks for the nomination, Bloggies-ers!

    January 10, 2003

    Fifty-Two Weeks of Blah Blah Blah

    Today is defective yeti's one year anniversary. How you like them apples?

    Keeping a blog for a year was a 2002 New Year's resolution of mine. My intentions were fivefold:
    • Jot down the assortment of random thoughts that stampede through my mind like tapirs in a Wal*Mart and leave no trace when they vanish immediately thereafter.
    • Write reviews of all the movies I saw in 2002. I can't for the life of me remember why I thought this was an important thing to do. There's a good example of a random thought that should have been jotted down.
    • Improve my writing skills by using them on a daily basis.
    • Become an Internet Superstar (or at least create a meme or two).
    • Bore the crap out of you, personally, by droning on and on about my motivation for blogging.
    Woohoo: five for five!
    Like all bloggers, I am, at heart, a Glutton For Attention, and wouldn't have been able to accomplish any of the above goals without the knowledge that at least somebody was stopping by from time to time. In other words, the yeti is a monster of your creation as much as it is of mine, you enabler, you. Thanks for reading -- I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
    Well, that's more than enough sincerity for one year. Smarm and wisecrackery will resume on Monday.
    January 08, 2003

    Breaking News

    Hello. You may have come here expecting to find the "Funniest Weblog Ever!" If so, please see this important announcement.

    (Seriously: thanks to Robot Wisdom, and thank you for stopping by.)

    [ link | dy]

    December 31, 2002

    Obligatory End-of-2002 Best Of List

    Best Movies I Saw On Screen

  • The Two Towers
  • How's Your News
  • Das Experiment
  • The Good Girl
  • The Endurance

  • Best Movie Seen On DVD
  • City of Lost Children

  • Best Fiction Book Read
  • The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay

  • Best Non-fiction Book Read
  • Drake's Fortune: The Fabulous True Story of the World's Greatest Confidence Artist

  • Best New-To-Me CD
  • All Hands on the Bad One

  • Best New Game
  • Puerto Rico
  • [ link | dy]

    December 23, 2002

    Sadly, I was Unable To Evade "Christmas Wrapping" By The Waitresses

    I have somehow made it to December 23rd without once hearing "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer". I have no idea how I have pulled this off, but my good luck cannot possibly last. I am therefore going to spend the next three days in a hermetically-sealed underground bunker to ensure that 2002 is a 100%-Elmo-And-Patsy-free year. yeti-ations will resume on Boxing Day. Happy Holidays.

    [ link | dy]

    November 18, 2002

    Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

    Okay, I finally gave in and scoured my referrer logs for strange Google requests. Some of my favorites:

    This old page gets a ton of hits from people trying to Lose Weight Fast! I'd feel guilty if I could stop laughing.

    [ link | dy]

    October 18, 2002

    It's a Boy!

    According to Blog Tree, defective yeti has spawned its first yetiette in the form of Richtoscano.com. Good stuff over yonder, check it out.

    [ link | dy]

    September 16, 2002

    Share the Wealth

    Great Grandmother of Cher, there's a brief article about me at Salon.com and defective yeti has been MetaFiltered. Why? Because of the Internet community's insatiable yen for more people who blog about their cats? No, ostensibly because this lil' bit o' the funny somehow turned into One Of Those Things That People At My Office Are Forever Forwarding To Me With The Subjectline "Monday Funnies LOL!!!!". The real reason, of course, is simply because I won The Great Weblog Lottery. Like a regular lottery, The Great Weblog Lottery confers upon some undeserving schmoe a veritable windfall for no fathomable reason. (Although unlike a regular lottery, said schmoe cannot then purchase a miniature golf course).

    The windfall in The Great Weblog Lottery is publicity, which is to a blogger's ego what nitroglycerine is to a campfire. But if I learned anything from the Spider-Man movie it's that with great power comes an inability to hook up with Kirsten Dunst, along with a wheelbarrel full of guilt. So despite the fact that 94% of my new visitors never made it through the first paragraph (see above), I would kindly ask that the remaining 6% please check out some of the equally worthy blogs listed below; blogs that are little-known but just as deserving of an increased readership.

    Dog Door of Death
    Clark Hornbell
    Bruce Hartman
    Kenneth Hunt
    Speedy Snail
    Jerry Kindall
    Organic Mechanic
    If you know of a relatively unknown but nonetheless enjoyable blog, feel free to mention it in the comments. (In fact, here's one from the comments that I am hereby adding to the list: Mimi Smartypants.)

    P.s. If I win the actual lottery none of you bastard is getting a dime, so don't even ask.

    August 07, 2002

    defective yeti's Fashion Tip #11

    Don't sleep on wet hair.

    I posted this photo to FilePile. My favorite comment: "And I ran, I ran so far away ..."

    Note: Insofar as this picture constitutes 1000 words, I am taking the remainder of the day off, yeti-wise.

    [ link | dy]

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