June 18, 2008

Typical Infographic
Typical Infographic
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February 14, 2008

Thank You For Being A Friend


GG Valentines

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January 21, 2008

Thank The Maker

To: Matthew Baldwin
Subject: Matthew McConaughey's new onscreen romance

Dear Matthew,

I made this last night after walking past the movie poster for Fool's Gold and thinking there was something odd looking about Kate Hudson. When I suddenly figured out what it was, my partner wasn't buying my theory, so to make my case I had to "augment" the image to bring out its true spirit.

Now I'm no photoshop wiz, so I was pretty pleased with the way this one came out. I wanted to share it with more people, but it's so nerdy! Also, I don't have a blog. Anyway I thought you'd appreciate it! Feel free to post it as a reader contribution, though please don't credit me if you do.


I don't understand why someone would decline credit for this, but I'm not one to say no to free content.

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September 28, 2007



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August 27, 2007

Snopes Isn't Even Trying Anymore

Snopes Isn't Even Trying Anymore

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August 23, 2007

So I Called Up The Captain

I just set my cellphone's ringtone to Hotel California. Man, I love that song. My favorite part is the fadeout at the very end. So awesome. I could listen to it a million times and not get tired of it.

Anyway, if you call and it takes me six minutes and eight seconds to pick up, that's what's going on.

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August 15, 2007

Things Not To Say

I went over to a friend's house the other day, where we ate a bunch of pizza and then played 120 minutes of Power Grid. I knew most of the players, but two of them were a rather prim couple I had never met before.

After the game was over, I opened one of the pizza boxes and, discovering that there were still a few slices left, grabbed one.

"Hey, I'll throw that in the microwave for you," said my friend.

"No, thanks," I said, and then--because it's my standard line in situations like that--added, "I like my pizza the way I like my women."

I didn't have a punchline in mind when I said it. But, having set the joke up, I had no choice but to follow through. "Cold ... and a few hours old."

Update: Okay, so normally I wouldn't post something like this here, as necropedophilia jokes rarely go over well with my typically readership. (Hi Mom! It gets worse!) But I got such a torrent of amazing alternate punchlines when I posted this elsewhere, I had no choice but to share.

  • "Bought on a street corner" (Randombit)
  • "Patted down with a napkin and folded in half" (Umrain)
  • "Shared with 3 friends" (Newbornstranger)
  • "Available by telephone and delivered by a pimply stoner in an AMC Pacer" (Walter)
  • "So hot the top slides off." (Phil S)
  • "Hand tossed." (Flaunted)
  • "Liberally endowed with Italian Sausage." (Migelikor)
  • "Stacked in a corner of my fridge the following morning." (pyrimyd)
  • "Fawned over by nerds" (Gee)
  • "Free if they don't come within 30 minutes or less" (Melvin)
July 20, 2007

Your Order is Being Prepared for Shipping

Greetings from

We thought you would like to know that we are preparing the following items for shipment:

Qty Item
1 Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Yes sir, tomorrow is the big day. July 21. The release of the final installment in the Harry Potter seventology, or whatever the hell it's called.

Oh man, you must be excited. I bet you can't wait to get your hands on this book.

Me, I've had my hands on the book pretty much continuously for the last week, preparing all these orders for shipment. In fact, I'm holding your copy as I write this.

It's kind of funny, when you think of it: you've been looking forward to this book for a decade, probably pre-ordered the thing a year ago; and here I am, some warehouse-working Muddle (or whatever you call us), who doesn't know Hogwarts from genital warts, with the book 24 hours before you.

That's a little something called irony. You'll appreciate it when you get older. Assuming you're not some 37-year old guy who lives with his parents and can recite the d20 stats for a gelatinous cube has off the top of his head.

Well, don't you worry. This book will be on your doorstep tomorrow afternoon, ready to read.

I, of course, could read the book--YOUR book--right now. And I gotta admit, it WOULD be fun to be one of the first people in the world to know how it all ends.

Hmm. So, maybe I'll just read the last page ...


Hah hah. I'm just yanking your chain. That's not how it ends. Or maybe it IS, and I'm just saying it's not so you'll be doubly surprised when you finish it. You never know.

I really did read the last page, though. The final word is "haberdashery." You can verify that when you get the book. Tomorrow. A full day after I had it.

I gotta tell ya, though: now that I know how it ends, I kind of want to read the whole thing. If I start right now, I could probably finish it and get this book in the mail to you by Wednesday. You wouldn't mind waiting a few extra days, would you?

Also, I dog-ear pages to save my place. I hope that's okay.

j/k. I wouldn't really read this book. 1000 words about fairies? Yeah, no. Besides, who has the time? Some of us have work for a living. For instance, I bust my hump 60 hours a week schlepping your books around.

Besides, I'd rather see the movie anyway. That chick who plays Hermoine is smoking hot. I'd quidditch, if you know what I'm sayin'.

All right, settle down. I'm putting your precious doorstop in the box now. If you've explored the links on the Your Account page but still need assistance with your order, you'll find links to e-mail or call Customer Service in our Help department at

Thank you for shopping with us.

--------------------------------------------------------------------- and you're done!

P.s. Dobby dies.

June 12, 2007

Father's Day Gift


Another in the series should be action figures of Oedipus and a dead guy.

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What Did the Bolt of Fabric Tell His Daughter When She Threatened to Run Away to India?

"Go ahead ... you'll be sari."

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May 28, 2007

God's Business Plan

God's Business Plan

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May 21, 2007

Wish-I-Could-Draw Comics!

Panel 1: Captain America, The Hulk, Wasp, Thor, and Iron Man converge on a box.

Avengers Assemble!
Panel 2: The box, reading "IKEA," sits off to the side. The Avengers are sitting, bending over, and kneeling, looking quizzical, holding pieces of pine.

Panel 3: The Avengers are still trying to put the pieces together; a few are attached.

Panel 4: The Avengers are still trying to put the pieces together.

Goddammit, Bruce! Next time just go to Crate & Barrel and get pre-made shelves.

But these were only, like, thirty bucks.

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May 14, 2007

Made 5000 Fishwiches Out Of Five Buns And Two Cod


Made 5000 Fishwiches out of Five Buns and 2 Cod

Sorry, workin' on a side project this week, so you get lots of images and little prose.
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May 09, 2007

God Help Me, I Made A LOLCAT

God Help Me, I Made A LOLCAT

I know: if everyone on the Internet jumped off a bridge, I would probably do that too.

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May 07, 2007

Grandpa Was A Card

Though I was the first in my family to start a blog, my predeliction for cracking horrible jokes appaears to be hereditary.

The following is a letter sent by my maternal grandfather to my parents in 1967.

Grandpa was a card

Grandpa wasn't a humor writer, so, even before I managed to Google up portions of the material, I knew it wasn't original. Still, he loved to crack wise--after supper during family get-togethers, he would always treat us to a long, convoluted golf joke--and I can totally visualize him sitting at his manual typewriter, laboriously copying these groaners from somewhere else, chuckling to himself all the while.

He was a good guy, my Grandpa. I miss him.

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April 25, 2007


Fun Fact: both have roughly the same chance of getting elected president.

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April 13, 2007


Of course, the best thing about getting a scanner:

Atheist President


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April 06, 2007

Lowest Form of Humor

Q: What does a copy editor do when she's not feeling well?

A: Calls inn [sic].

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March 23, 2007

Captain America: A Retrospective

Notable events from a fallen hero's career:

Early 1940's: Fought Nazis.

1945-1960: Frozen in block of ice

1963: Assembled team of metahumans to fight threats too large for any single superhero to handle alone.

1964: Changed name of superhero team from "Jethro Tull" to "The Avengers" after trademark dispute.

1967: Deterred Galactus by telling him about delicious planet called Krypton.

1969: Teamed up with Sub-Mariner, Fantastic Four, and X-Men to buy some schwag, crash Woodstock.

1970-1973: Temporarily relocated after being drafted for the Vietnam War; renamed self "Corporal Canada."

1978: Brought "stagflation" under control by sharply increasing interest rates to reduce money supply.

1981: Ended Iranian Hostage Crisis and secured the release of 52 Americans with the help of delicious Hostess fruit pies.

1983: Admitting to drinking "a few wine coolers" prior to Quinjet / Challenger collision.

1992: Pardoned by Bush for his role in the Skrull-Contra Affair.

1995: Finished Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island without using a walkthrough.

1997: Hooked Clinton up with some She-Hulk action.

1999: Founded Metafilter.

2000: Awarded Congressional Medal of Honor for tracking down and killing "The Baha Men" after release of Who Let The Dogs Out?

2003: Located and removed all weapons of mass destruction from Iraq before invasion. Meant to tell President, but forgot.

2006: Won Tour de France (later disqualified after testing positive for super-soldier serum).

Throughout his career: Adhered to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy by keeping his relationship with The Punisher on the down-low.

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February 19, 2007

Good One

How many lightbulbs does it take for a person who can't tell a joke to screw it up?

No, wait ...

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February 13, 2007

Online Dating
Online Dating
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February 05, 2007

The Truth About Global Climate Change


Intelligent Warming


February 02, 2007

Happy Groundhogs Day!


Six More Weeks


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January 31, 2007

Incredulous Cthulthu


Incredulous Cthulhu


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November 29, 2006

Fig. 14
fig. 14
November 06, 2006

Quarterly Job Report

Percentage Change In Last Quarter

Sons and Daughters-100%
Sore Boils+81%
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October 10, 2006

Prize Fight

Uggh. MSNBC's coverage of the 2006 Nobel Prize Awards is awful! I hate how they only air categories that Americans are way into (Medicine and Physics) during prime time -- I had to stay until until 3 AM to see Chemistry. And the "bios" of all the participants are so sappy -- every scientist "overcame adversity" and "stayed true to his vision" and blah blah blah. JUST SHOW US THE CHEMISTRY ALREADY??!

Honestly, half my irritation is just because I can't stand the commentators, how they are always pointing out every mistake of the contenders. Yesterday I was watching Ryszard Kapuscinski compete for the Literature prize and Bob Costa was all, like, "Ooo, he didn't put a comma after the third item in the series -- that's gonna cost him" and "While the regulations against starting a sentence with a conjunction have been eased in recent years, the judges might still frown upon that opening 'but'." Eventually it got so bad that Kapuscinski turned around and asked Costas to shut up because he was trying to finish his essay, and after that Costa whispered for a little bit, but a few minutes later he was back to his normal, bellowing self. I don't even know why Kapuscinski let the camera crew into his house in the first place.

Plus, it's just gross the way they have the "PRIZE COUNTER" in the bottom left-hand corner of the screen all the time. Okay, yes, it's USA 6, the rest of the world 0 -- we know, you don't have to keep rubbing it in!! That's exactly why I usually watch my Nobel Prize coverage on Canadian TV. But, you know, I don't even know if I'm going to watch it at all any more. The whole doping scandal in the Peace prize category is just disgusting.

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September 28, 2006

It's Like Raaay-ee-aaaayn, On Your Wedding Day...

It's Like Raaay-ee-aaaayn, On Your Wedding Day...

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July 05, 2006


Three musical instruments are sitting in a bar and, after a few drinks, they begin boasting.

"I don't want to brag," says the first, "but I'm a drum. And drums, as I'm sure you know, were the first instruments in the history of the world, used not only for music but also for long range communication and even to motivate soldiers in a time of war. Just about every style of music uses drums of some sort -- hell, there probably wouldn't even be music it if wasn't for us."

"Drums are great, if you only want to play one note," the second instrument cuts in. "But as piano, I have 88 keys to choose from. Most of the great classical music was written with me in mind, and even today my cousin, the keyboard, is central to the creation of modern music."

"Don't talk to me about modern music," scoffs the third instrument. "I'm a guitar, and while you old-timers may have been big in your day, it's the 21st century now. And it's guitars like me that have made rock & roll the most popular music in the world today."

The second instrument sizes up the third skeptically, and then says "What are you talking about? You're not a guitar, you're nothing but a small harp."

And the third instrument leaps off of his stool and shouts, "Are you calling me a lyre?!"

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June 19, 2006

#1 Dad

I'm not proud of my youthful indiscretions. But on Father's Day, when those cards and gifts arrive from children all over the United States, I have no regrets.

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May 10, 2006

Time In A Bottle

Parents! Is your son or daughter between 12 and 17 years of age and exhibiting one or more of the following symptoms?

  • Listlessness
  • Apathy
  • Mood Swings
  • Idealism
  • Hyperactivity
  • Malaise
  • Irritability
  • Egomania

If so, your child may be suffering from the debilitating effects of Youth.

More than 1 billion people worldwide are burdened with the ravages of Youth, and approximately one out of every one person will suffer the symptoms of Youth at some point in their life. But the crushing effects of Youth extend well beyond just the afflicted: teachers are driven to the brink of insanity, old people endure the indignity of having their lawn used as a short cut, and bands such as System of a Down continue to thrive.

But now there's hope.

If you suspect your child might be stricken with Youth, talk to your physician about Time. Time is the all-natural remedy for Youth, guaranteed to lessen your child's exuberance, curiosity, and spontaneity in as little as 10-40 years.

Ask your doctor about Time. Time: It Heals All Wounds*

* This statement has not be evaluated by the FDA. Side effects of Time include: aches, pains, balding, hearing loss, sight loss, memory loss, impotents, bitterness, disillusionment, the nagging feeling that every new person you meet looks like someone from your past, inability to sleep past 5:00 am, inability to stay awake beyond 8:00 PM, inability to drive faster than 35 miles per hour, technological incompetence, fondness for game shows, Republicanism, and death.
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April 05, 2006

defective yeti Xtreme Makeover!

When we first interviewed this week's subject, it confessed to feelings of low self-esteem and general dissatisfaction with its appearance, describing itself as "doughy," "a big loaf," and "day old."

Fortunately, we knew just what to do. The dyXM team swung-or-possibly-swang into action, giving it an Xtreme Makeover it will never forget!

Warning: some of the following images are graphic in nature

First we put the subject under the knife, to trim away some of that excess bulk.

A vast improvement, I'm sure you'll agree. Already the subject is looking good enough to eat.

Next we addressed the subject's pasty complexion, placing between two heating coils to give it a rich, golden tan.

And then our team went to work with the cosmetics, first slathering the subject with a foundation to cover up imperfections.

And then applying some color, to ensure that it would stand out in a crowd.

And because a beauty is nothing without a wardrobe to match, we ditched that plain, uninspired and put it on something with a little more pizzazz!


Thanks for joining us on defective yeti's Xtreme Makeover. Join us next week when we peel the years off our subject, giving it the youthful appearance of a baby.

Next Week on defective yeti Xtreme Makeover
Before & After
February 13, 2006



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February 02, 2006

Pig Out

Fun fact: Miss Piggy can unhinge her jaw to swallow prey whole

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November 28, 2005

Pieces Of Ate


Drew this Thursday while coloring with The Squirrelly, but only gained access to a scanner today.

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November 08, 2005

Incredible Illusion!!
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October 28, 2005

Led Zepplin's Least Popular Song



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October 04, 2005

Check One
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September 07, 2005

Coming Soon
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August 10, 2005

defctive yeti: Proud Sponsor Of Your Lymph Nodes

When in downtown Seattle, I often see this billboard:

Man, this is a complete drag. It's tiresome to have to turn to the camera, give a thumbs-up, and intone "Thanks Key Bank ..." every time The Squirrelly says a new word.

Although I do find it interesting that company have apparently abandoned the quaint, 20th century practice of sponsoring individual things like the Olympics or local t-ball teams and are now laying claim to entire classes of objects and events.

I imagine the competition amongst corporation to appropriate every single thing in the world is going to get fierce.

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June 08, 2005

Business Time

I was in the car this evening listening to 103.7 The Mountain, and they played a song so funny that it had me laughing out loud.

I later checked their website for info on the song, but the track was omitted from the playlist. So I sent an email to Marty Riemer, The Mountain DJ who had played it. Not only did Riemer write back almost immediately (it wasn't even during his shift), but after informing me that the song in question was unavailable on CD he even went through the trouble of creating and sending me a MP3 of the performance. Whatta great guy!

The song is "Business Time" by a group called "Flight of the Conchords," who describe themselves as "New Zealand's 4th most popular guitar-based digi-bongo acapella-rap-funk-comedy folk duo." They don't appear to have an official website, but a comprehensive fan site can be found here.

And without further ado:

"Business Time" by Flight of the Conchords
This was taken from a live recording of FotC playing at the Montreal Comedy Festival. The music starts at :55, but the preamble is funny too. More clips from these guys can be found at, and a CD of their stuff (but lacking "Business Time," alas) can be purchased here.

And while I'm heaping praise on 103.7, may I point out that one of my favorite programs, "The Chill Side of the Mountain," which used to air only on Sunday evenings, is now broadcast five days a week. Here is the most recent playlist. Good stuff for Seattlites.

April 05, 2005

Google Maps Satellite

Google has integrated satellite photos into their map service. Click the link in upper right-hand corner.

And I'm the only one who finds this a little unnerving?

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March 29, 2005

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March 17, 2005

You Got To Cool It Down

The 30 least hot follow-ups to the 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman

  1. "Good morning Cheryl. I mean, um, Sharon."
  2. "Is it okay with you if I take this slow? I haven't done this in, like, fifteen years."
  3. "I can't stop touching you. Stupid OCD."
  4. "Want to join me in the shower? Grouting's more fun with two!"
  5. "I want to kiss/lick/touch every inch of you. Uh, I mean centimeter of you. I keep forgetting you are Canadian -- thank god."
  6. "I love how you taste your soup before adding salt to it. You know, that's the way Thomas Edison used to interview candidates. True fact. He'd take them out for lunch and if they seasoned their soup before trying it he wouldn't hire them, because that showed that they were impulsive and didn't -- holy shit, are you okay?! Jesus, you spilled it all over yourself! That's gotta hurt. What the fuck were you doing eating soup while naked in the first place?"
  7. "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria -- but, seriously dude: if you gotta explain it, the answer is "no.")
  8. "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito." (Note: This statement cannot be made any less hot.)
  9. Her name -- her full name -- followed by a "Wow"? Followed by "Well? Are you listening? Do you want to play World of Warcraft or not?"
  10. "I'll get the light sabers, you get the tickets to Revenge Of The Sith."
  11. "I'll cancel my plans if you'll stay here with me for the rest of the weekend. Yes, right here in the strip club."
  12. "No one's ever done that before and lived."
  13. "Can we do that again? I forgot to hit record on my camera."
  14. "I love your [fill in body part here]." No, not the bile duct, you idiot -- an external body part.
  15. Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don't make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips. Then continue shutting down all effective means of communication between the two of you for the next thirty years of your marriage.
  16. While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers." While looking at the people currently in bed with her: "lucky bastards."
  17. While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "What do you see? I see Gene Hackman."
  18. I'll go make coffee. How much low-fat Irish Cream flavored sweetener do you like in your Sanka?"
  19. "Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you, because you steal all the covers while sleeping."
  20. "Let's play hooky today. You won't get in trouble -- I am your principal, after all"
  21. Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot" or "Ever since we ate that dim sum I haven't felt so hot."
  22. "Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing. Seriously, just give it squeeze. Just gooooo ahead and squeeze it, any time now. As soon as it feels amazing. Or, you know, feels adequate -- whatever."
  23. Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate. Or "Schmuck."
  24. "There's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now than getting dressed and hitting the road, but I guess I'm obligated to lie here next to you for another 20 minutes."
  25. "I'm ready to go again. Too much fiber, I guess."
  26. "Damn, I've missed you. Hang on while I reload."
  27. "How about a massage? Let's start with my feet."
  28. Playful laughter that escalates into maniacal laughter that transitions into coughing that degenerates into sobbing.
  29. "Don't ever leave me the check."
  30. "You sleep; I'll go check on the baby." A moment later: "Yep, we still have a baby. Goddamnit!"

January 06, 2005

Patent 76202230959

An email I received from William O'Higgins of

I read your blog entry of December 17th and said to my wife, "If that was Microsoft they would have filed a patent on hydrogen." You see, Mr. Gates hates to not be in first place, and wants to catch up to IBM for the most patents held (by a technology company). Here's my evidence: a patent on the xor operator. The signatories of the patent work for Microsoft.
Wow, that's pretty bad. But check out this patent I found with a little research:

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December 01, 2004


It's finally December, and you know what that means: only one more month until I can* buy a Boris Vallejo Scantily-Clad Buxom Women Of Fantasy 2005 Wall Calendar at the local Waldenbooks for 75% off!

It is truly the most magical time of year.

* Unless a certain someone ruins everything by giving me another "Pi Digit Of The Day Desk Calendar" for Christmas again this year.
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November 22, 2004

Don't Worry, The Economy Is In Good Hands

Well, that's reassuring. Cheesasaurus Rex is a reknowned deficit hawk.

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October 21, 2004


I can go months without hearing a good joke, but yesterday, while trawling the Internets, I came across three that made me chuckle and/or openly weep.

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Juan.

* * * * *

Person 1: Knock knock.

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Control freak.

Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"

* * * * *

Q: What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

Note: Hundreds of more jokes in the comments.

October 13, 2004

How To Identify The Other Nerd In The Car

When you are driving around with a group of friends and see a young woman precariously tottering down the sidewalk in four-inch heel platform shoes, exclaim "Jesus, she looks like an AT-AT walker" and listen for the person in the vehicle who snorts appreciatively at your analogy.

Update: Dear Internet, stop sending me email about the AT-ST walker. Nerds.

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September 28, 2004

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June 11, 2004


Man's Best Friend Also A Good Listener: "A recent study reveals that, contrary to conventional wisdom, dogs can understand"over two dozen words ..."

For the record, the words are:

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May 18, 2004

I Can't Wait Until My Son Is Old Enough To Enjoy This Joke I Just Made Up

You can tell if someone is a direct descendant from King Tut because he will have a very distinctive fart. Everyone in that linage has a toot-in-common.

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April 23, 2004

Dog Found
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December 15, 2003

Q: What are your strengths?

A: Um. Well, I have great analytical skills and love solving puzzles, so when I'm given a task I will dedicate myself to it until I have it figured out. I'm also very methodical. I don't take shortcuts -- I make a plan and attack a problem step by step, documenting everything as I got. Those are probably my greatest strengths.

Q: Good. So now tell me: what are your greatest weaknesses?

A: Weaknesses? Uhhhh, hmm. Oh, okay, here's one. When my home world exploded, large chunks of the planet's crust were infused with radiation and hurled into the depths of the space. Some of these fragments landed on Earth, and, when I find myself in close proximity to one of these stones, I lose my superpowers and become very weak.

Also: I'm a perfectionist.

I totally dog dare you to say that at your next job interview.

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November 12, 2003


Recent changes to NPR in the wake of Mrs. McDonalds' $200 million bequest:

  • Morning Edition constantly urging listeners not to drop scalding hot coffee into lap while driving.
  • Daniel Schorr's political commentaries frequently laud policies of Mayor McCheese.
  • World Cafe proud to carry Coca-Cola brand beverages.
  • Latest listener challenge from Puzzlemaster Will Shortz: "Try to explain, in 2000 words or less, why Burger King sucks so hard."
  • On-air All Thing Considered personalities required to wear nametags.
  • Car Talk guys attribute most automotive problems to lack of sufficient cupholders.
  • Listeners pledging at the $100 level receive Monopoly Sweepstakes game piece; those donating at the $250 level receive collectible Looney Toons: Back In Action 64 oz. plastic cup.
  • Everything on The Splendid Table fried in beef tallow.
  • Garrison Keillor's Prairie Home Companion monologues now just go "robble robble robble."
  • This American Cheese.

September 18, 2003

Blog Entry ... With Animals!

I went and visited my Grammy last night. We chit-chatted for a while and then got down to the serious business of watching TV. Grammy has, like, 700 cable stations, of which she watches four: PAX (the default), the FOX Sports Network (when the Mariners are playing), whatever station shows those reruns of Golden Girls, and Animal Planet. Tonight it was Animal Planet.

Lacking cable myself, I'd never seen Animal Planet before. What a weird network. We watched this show called Animal COPS, where they ride around with some Humane Society guys and pretend like they are as exciting and dangerous as the police officers profiled on COPS. In fact, everything on Animal COPS mimics the original COPS format: they show the time and location at the start of a segment, the officers give little philosophical monologues while driving around, and the whole thing is set to an unrelenting gloomy-action-adventure-techo backbeat specially designed to keep you on the edge of your seat while the Humane Society Guy herds a possum into a box.

Most hilariously, the show has a narrator who always speaks in this ominous and deadly-serious tone of voice, doing his level best to make the essentially boring routine of these guys seem fraught with peril.

First Humane Society Guy: Well, here we are.

[Humane Society Guys get out of car.]

Narrator: Getting out of the vehicle is a crucial step in any Animal COPS crime scene investigation.

[Humane Society Guys nonchalantly approach front door and knock.]

Narrator: The Animal COPS cautiously edge towards the front door, bracing themselves for a confrontation.

[Man answers door.]

Man: Yeah?

Narrator: Suddenly, the Animal COPS find themselves face-to-face with the perpetrator.

First Humane Society Guy: We're here about the pigs.

Man: Oh right. They're around the side of the house, follow me.

Narrator: The officers received a tip that the perpetrator is keeping pigs as pets, an act that's not only illegal in this county, but also against the law.

Then, as they arrive at the crime scene, the case takes an unexpected turn.

Man: Here they are.

Second Humane Society Guy: Oh, so they're pot-bellied pigs, then.

Man: Uh-huh, pot-bellied pigs.

Narrator: Reeling from this unforeseen twist, the Animal COPS struggle to regain control of the situation.

First Humane Society Guy: Well, like we said on the phone, we gotta take 'em.

Man: Whatever.

The show after Animal COPS was called The Planet's Funniest Animals, which was exactly like America's Funniest Home Videos except ... with animals! And I saw an ad for a show that was like Survivor ... with animals! In fact, that seemed to be the theme of every program: Well-known Show ... With Animals! Lord knows what else they have in this vein.
  • Sex And The Kitty
  • Law & Order & A Three-Spined Stickleback
  • The Gilmore Squirrels
  • Everybody Loves Raymond's Ferret
  • Mad About Ewe
  • JAG (uar)
  • Murder She Wrote, "She" Being A Cockatoo
Update: From the comments: "Buffy The Canine Spayer" (BillB), "Who Wants To Be A Millipede" (Greg), and "Welcome Back Otter" (Geena). But Tom pretty much wins with "Queer Eye For A Pig Sty."

September 17, 2003


Apparently a new study claims that your sleeping position reveals your personality.

That may be true, but I've always found it easier to judge a person by how they dance.

September 12, 2003


I ate at a joint called "The Mongolian Grill" the other day. The table tent featured "The History Of Mongolian Barbeque," with the first sentence reading "Mongolian barbeque was introduced to China by Genghis Khan in the thirteenth century."

I love that word "introduced." Apparently China was just sitting around one day watching "Genghis Khan's Living" and he was all, like, "Not sure what to do with that leftover mutton in the fridge? Here's an style of cooking that's both simple and delicious!"

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August 15, 2003

Ahoy Desklubbers!
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August 12, 2003

Attn. HR Dept., Heaven

He only gets one day off a week, but His dental plan is divine.

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August 07, 2003

Free Willy!



click here


Dear Mr. 238600,

I received your recent email, but it appears to contain a typographical error. If it was supposed to read "ORCAS," please contact me immediately, as I will be very interested in purchasing your product.

Matthew Baldwin

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July 17, 2003


Hey everybody. Sorry I haven't been posting very much recently, but The Queen and I are on vacation. I wish I could say we're having a good time, but, I gotta tell you, this is the WORST summer trip I have ever taken!!

It sounded pretty good when I signed up for it: a completely free (!!) tour of France (or as they say in French, a Toor du Fronce). But the whole thing turned out to be a colossal disappointment. First, we flew all the way over there at our own expense, but I figured it was worth it since the rest of the tour was free, right? So we get there, and there's, like, no cruise ship or tour bus or anything -- they want us to ride bikes! The whole way! And they don't even give you the bikes, you're supposed to bring your own! WTF PEOPLE!!!!??!

I guess it's pretty good exercise and all, but this tour still sucks because we, like, never stop to look at anything -- we haven't been to the Effiel Tower or the Ark of Triumph or nothing. I thought we'd be, you know, relaxing and eating crepes and stuff, but this whole trip is all just, like, go go go! And the only food they give us is powerbars and water. Totally lame.

The worst part is -- aw shit, a whole bunch of my tour group just rode past this Internet cafe so I have to wrap this up. So anyway, stay away from the France Tour Company or whatever they're called, because they are a bunch of SCAMMERS!!!! Needless to say, The Queen is pretty mad -- she says I should have "done" some "research" or whatever on the trip ahead of time. But oh well -- she'll cheer up next month when I take her to Cuba for her birthday. I've been hearing a lot about this place called Guantanamo Bay and I think that sounds real pretty.

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July 03, 2003

Ahoy Desklubbers!
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June 19, 2003

The Hulk Looks Totally Fakey!

Saw a sneak preview of The Hulk last night. I have to agree with the critics who say that he looks fakey. Plus, you can, like, totally tell where they photoshopped him into a scene.

Worst CGI Ever
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June 05, 2003

May 13, 2003

Opposites Distract

I'm in the grocery store looking for condoms. I've checked all the usual hideouts -- the pharmacy aisle, the "feminine hygiene" aisle, the Most Visible Section Of The Store Specially Designed To Discourage Teens From Buying Contraception, etc. – and I’m getting nowhere. So I ask one of the stockers for directions.

"The condoms?" he says. "Oh yeah, they are over on aisle 14, right next to the diapers."

Let me get this straight: the birth control is lumped in with the baby supplies? What the hell, are we sorting by antonym, now?

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May 05, 2003

Hah Hah Hmm

I can't decide if this joke I made up is funny or not:

Did you hear about the San Andreas philanthropist who spent 3 million dollars funding local geological research? He was generous to a fault.
Okay, I just decided.

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April 08, 2003


I broke down and got one of those Razor Scooters. I waited a little while before buying one because I wanted to make sure that the whole scooter thing wasn't going to turn out to be just a passing fad or something, but I finally couldn't wait any longer. Ya gotta strike while the iron is in the fire, you know? Anyhow, I rode it to work today -- man, it's totally sweet. I loved the way it felt when the wind was blowing through my goatee. I didn't see anyone else was riding one, which is cool because I hate it when things like this get all popular and shit, where everyone is doing it. But it looks like I'm still ahead of the curve.

Also, the other day I bought this decal that was like the, whattayacallit, Christian fish thing, the Jesus Fish or whatever, except this one had legs and it said "Darwin" on it! I'd tell you where I bought it but I don't want, like, everyone to rush out and get one.

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April 04, 2003


Amazing Patriot Act 2! Click Here!

(By the way, here's an excerpt from the aforementioned First American, a letter that Benjamin Franklin wrote to Pennsylvania Governor Robert Norris:

How odious it must be to a sensible manly people, to find him who ought to be their father and protector, taking advantage of public calamity and distress, and their tenderness for their bleeding country, to force down their throats laws of imposition, abhorrent to common justice and common reason! Why will [he] make himself the hateful instrument of reducing a free people to the abject state of vassalage; of depriving us of those liberties which have given reputation to our country throughout the world?
Feel free to cut and paste that into your email to the White House concerning the Patriot Act II legislation.)

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April 01, 2003


Sometimes I have what I believe to be a moderately humorous idea, but when I actually write it down it turns out to be a bit funnier than I anticipated.

And then, other times ...

See, Saddam is, like, totally dead, right? But the Iraqi leadership doesn't want people to know that. So it's just like that 80's movie, you know, about the two guys and the corpse? So -- hah hah! -- if I take the poster from that flick and PhotoShop Saddam';s face onto it, ho boy, that's gonna be a ri-ot!

Yeah, some thing are funnier in theory ...

Update: Ha! Proof positive that no joke is so flaccid that someone won't claim it as their own. Oh well, you know what they say: getting ripped off by a Live Journal User is the highest form of flattery. And his version looks better than mine, so more power to 'im.

Update: Upon closer inspection I realize that I have been ripped off by a Xanga User, which is only the eleventh highest form of flattery. I guess I won't be mentioning this on my resume after all.

Update: Dear Lord! I traced the "plagerized" image back to its source, and found it posted here three days ago! I suppose this could be construed as evidence that my "joke" was unoriginal in addition to falling flat, but I'm sticking to my "rip off artists / time travel" theory all the same.

Update: Thievery!!!

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January 17, 2003


Tonight for dinner I ate both pasta and antipasta. When they collided in my stomach it set off a chain reaction that annihilated the universe.

So if you were wondering who had done that .. yeah, it was me. Sorry everyone. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again.

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January 08, 2003

Joke I Made Up On The Bus This Morning

A sentence was at a job interview, and the interviewer said "we're starting a new paragraph and we have an opening for an unambiguous, declarative sentence. Do you fit that criteria?"

"Well," replied the sentence, "I'm pretty sure that I am probably the sort of sentence you may be looking for."

And the interviewer said "Sorry, but I'm afraid you are over-qualified."

January 02, 2003

What Venomous Egg-Laying Mammal Are You?
What Venomous Egg-Laying Mammal Are You
Personality Test
Find out, by answering these ten questions.
The most important personality trait is :
In new situations, I :
I enjoy books and movies that are :
Do you wanna make out? :
If I could be any animal, I'd be :
My favorite digit of pi is :
Peanut butter :
And the bartender says :
No way :
When confonted with a difficult decision, I usually choose :
December 27, 2002

Putting the Eh into Xmas

What's bald and falls on the 25th on December?

Yule Brynner.

I just made that up! Yeah: incredible, I know.

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December 26, 2002


Some idiot was walking down the crowded, Christmas-Eve sidewalks of Seattle with an enormous umbrella, forcing everyone else to get out of his way or risk bodily harm. It made me think of this. Anonymous asshole, this entry is for you.

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December 19, 2002

Please Forward
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December 18, 2002

i saw u
I Saw U at Cinerama I saw U Tuesday night at Cinerama. Me: blond, blue eyes, wearing cloak and eating popcorn. You: second in the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, 179 minutes long. I didn't catch the name of your gaffer. Call me? 5099
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December 09, 2002

Taken In

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December 04, 2002

Science Groove
A few weeks ago I went to see my coworker's band Science Groove. Founder Do Peterson had a background in music, so decided to put his PhD Dissertation in verse and take his show on the road. As the topic of his studies (and music) is the distribution theory for the sibling recurrence risk ratio, this makes for an interesting and remarkably erudite show.
Science Groove is just one of a number of bands who, following in the footsteps of Schoolhouse Rock, blend music and education into a seamless web of, um, edumusication, or something.
(Jeezum crow, lookit all these links. What is this, MemePool? I mean: "MemePool?")
The concert was great fun. Everyone who wore a lab coat got in free, and the opening act sang a bunch of original and parody songs about muscle development (such as a tune entitled "Microfibrils" sung to the music of "My Sharona"). And Science Groove proved themselves to be more than just a gimmick -- the songs were well written and rockin'. Listen to the first two tracks, Performance and Title Slide (both mp3 links), or check out the entire show here.
I was so inspired by the concert that I went home that evening and wrote this.
Dead and Alive
(Primer on Schrodinger's Cat)
(Primer on Bon Jovi's Dead or Alive)
Erwin Schrodinger In 1926 Published several papers On wave mechanics

The theories he proposed
Turned science on its head
When asked about his findings
This is what he said:

There's a chamber
With a kitty inside
And the cat's both
Dead and alive

In the subatomic world
The particles you'll find
Can be in many states
All at a single time

It doesn't make much sense
To folks like you and me
And that's why Schrodinger
Used this analogy:

There's a chamber
With a kitty inside
And the cat's both
Dead and alive

Lock a kitten in a box
With a vial of cyanide
Until you let it out again
You don't know if it survived.

Now at a quantum level
The cat's completely free from harm
At exactly the same time
It's already bought the farm.

There's a chamber
With a kitty inside
And the cat's both
Dead and alive
There's a chamber
With a kitty inside
And Schrodinger's cat
Is dead and alive

According to the Science Groove calendar page, their next concert is on February 22nd in Seattle.

November 22, 2002

The Story of Thanksgiving

The Pilgrims who landed on Plymouth Rock in December of 1620 had a hard life ahead of them. Their first winter was devastating, and by the following fall they had lost 46 of the original 102 who sailed on the Mayflower. Few expected to see 1622.

But then Governor William Bradford sent four men fowling after wild ducks, and the party stumbled across a remarkable discovery. Just over a mountain that none had yet crossed they found the Emerald Falls Casino, featuring the loosest slots in the greater Massachusetts region. Soon all the colonists were experiencing the thrill and excitement of high action table games, including Let It Ride, Pai Gow Poker, and even Caribbean Stud. The huge payouts enabled the Pilgrims to not only survive but flourish in subsequent years.

To thank the Native Americans who owned the casino, the Pilgrims invited the entire tribe to an all-you-could-eat buffet, complete with $1 shrimp cocktails. Afterwards everyone went to see Air Supply, live and in concert. And that's the true story of Thanksgiving.

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October 22, 2002

Look Upon My Works, Ye and Despair

I'm having a hard time deciding which facial expression is the funniest. I really like "Ron Weasly, Ralphing" in the lower left-hand corner, but "Guy Showing Perhaps A Little Too Much Interest" in the tan jacket, far right, might just take the cake.

Story here, image found on filepile.

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October 01, 2002

Desperately Seeking Skjhjfd44lkgjhlkf8fjkfgkjgfdfi8

Hello, Yeah, you sent me some email a few minutes ago. About your webcam? And trout? Remember? But when I replied my message bounced -- you must have mistyped your address (which is understandable -- it's pretty long). Anyhow, if you read this please drop me a line and let me know your correct address so I can send you my credit card number, thanks.

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September 18, 2002

Putting the 'Arrrh!' into 'Repartee'

Here's a joke I just made up:

What does Hillary Clinton say on Talk Like A Pirate Day?

"Avast, right-wing conspiracy!"

"Talk Like a Pirate Day" is tomorrow.

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September 13, 2002

Ask the Answer Guy!
Dear Answer Guy,
Why is Friday the 13th considered bad luck? Thanks, Curious in Kansas
Great question, Curious! The belief that Friday the 13th is unlucky dates all the way back to 1923, when a supposedly unsinkable ship called "The Titanic" hit an iceberg while enroute to England and went to the bottom of the sea, killing over 1000 people. The disaster occured on Friday the 13th, and that day has been considered bad luck ever since. -- Answer Guy
Update: Marcus Sandison writes:
?? why are u talking about the titanic like noone's ever herd of it? didnt u see the movie? i guess not because if you had you'd know that it sank in 1912. also it sank on sunday the 14th.
Thanks for writing, Marcus. Yes, some scientists believe in an alternate theory of the Titanic (that it sank in 1912) and I should have mentioned this in my original reply. But my essential point still stands: Friday the 13th is considered unlucky because of the many disasters that have fallen on that day, such as the sinking of the Titanic and the attack on Pearl Harbor. -- Answer Guy
Update: Aaron writes:
What the hell, dude? Pearl Harbor got bombed on December 7th, everbody knows that. And it took me, like, 5 seconds on Google to find out December 7th, 1941 was a Sunday. It's called "research" -- you should try it, sometime.
While that may be "true," Arron, I find it disheartening that readers such as yourself seem determined to find small inconsistancies in my reply, instead of focusing on its overall truth. Friday the 13th is rightly feared because so many bad things have happened on that day. I could name a lot more, but, if I did, you all would probably jump all over me with your "that happened at 12:03 am so it was technically Saturday!" nitpicking. Needless to say, I stand by my original answer. -- Answer Guy
Update: Anna Eoin writes:
The Titanic was sailing from England, not to it. Didn't you see the movie?
Look, people: Answer Guy is a free service, okay? You're not paying a dime for these answers, so quit your bitching already. Or start your own goddamned column if you're such a genius. How do you like that answer, Smarty McKnowitall? -- Answer Guy
P.s. I'm right about Friday the 13th! If you don't believe me, try reading a book sometime, moron.
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September 06, 2002

The Friday Five

I see the Friday Five on blogs everywhere, but I have never done it myself. Well, this morning sent me today's list and asked me to do it and send him my replies. I'm not one to turn down a request from a fan, and I figure I might as well post my answers here for everyone to enjoy. So here you go!

  1. What is your biggest pet peeve? Why? When you're sleeping, and the corner of the fitted sheet comes off. It's a total drag to get out of bed to fix it, so I just sort of do that hop, you know, where you try and pull the sheet back over the corner of the mattress while laying in bed? And you can never get it back on, or, if you do, it just pops right back off again? I hate that!
  2. What irritating habits do you have? I don't spellcheck my email very often. I also talk too loud, sometimes.
  3. What is your credit card number? Expiration date? 4899 0010 7091 1842, expires 08/04
  4. What are your favorite passwords? Oh, I've always liked "secret" (get it?). For my email I use "eeeeemail" because it's easy to remember, and my password at the office is "iH8work". Everywhere else I just use my last name backwards ("niwdlab").
  5. What one thing can you never see yourself doing that other people do? Skydiving. Also: flossing.
Thanks sc4mk1d -- that was fun!

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August 26, 2002

Will The Real Slim Shady (Please Shut Up?)

Track listing for the forthcoming Eminem CD “Me, Myself and I”:

1. Me!8. But Enough About You
2. Autobiography #19. Autobiography #3
3. Autobiography #2!10. I, Solipsist
4. Ballad of Slim Shady11. Let Me Tell You Something (About Myself)
5. Who Wants To Talk About Me? (I do!) 12. Me! (Remix)
6. Ballad of Eminem 13. [Bonus secret track] Me! (reprise)
7. Ballad of Marshal Mathers
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August 22, 2002

Should I Get a "Puddle of Mudd" Tattoo Online Quiz

Thinking of getting a "Puddle of Mudd" tattoo? Who isn't?! But having a band's logo permanently inscribed upon the back of your neck is not a decision to rush into. That's why defective yeti is pleased as pecans to offer the Should I Get A Puddle Of Mudd Tattoo Online Quiz!

  • Question 1: Will people think I look cool with a Puddle of Mudd tattoo tomorrow?
  • Question 2: Will people think I look cool with a Puddle of Mudd tattoo in 2037, when I'm a 64-year old man bearing the name of a band that's been defunct for over three decades?

Scoring Give yourself 0 points for each 'yes,' 1 point for each 'no'.

Answer: If your total score exceeds 0, then a Puddle of Mudd tattoo is not for you. Otherwise: go for it, dude! Yeah!

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August 21, 2002

End-Users License Agreement For defective yeti


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August 09, 2002

How To Cope With A Disfiguring Sunburn

Cover the burned area with aloe vera gel. This will make you smell so odd that no one will come close enough to touch you.

To make the Universally Recognized Sunburned Warning Noise, grit your teeth, pull back your lips, press your tongue against the back of your incisors and inhale briskly.

After receiving a second- or third-degree burn, wait at least 30 minutes before moshing.

If your spouse is insufficiently sympathetic, be sure to mention how much it hurts after each and every movement.

When showering, remember to scream from the diaphragm.

If arms and legs are burned, walk like a robot from a 1950's science-fiction movie. This will in no way reduce the discomfort, but at least you will look like an idiot.

When the eleventh coworker enters your office and says "Hey, did you know you got sunburned?," we recommend either garroting or defenestration.

If your future is so bright that you gotta wear shades, try neglecting your homework, enraging your parents, and alienating your beautiful girlfriend. This will dim your future and prevent exacerbation of the burn.

Avoid movies starring Adam Sandler. Forever.

While sunburnt, always carry and drink from a fifth of scotch. People will think you are flush from drunkenness, and not realize that you are too stupid to put on sunblock.

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August 05, 2002

Hello genetic engineers!

Hello genetic engineers! It seems like every week I read about how you guys invented some crazy new type of animal. But it's never anything useful like a rapping monkey, it's inevitably some dumb thing like a thirty pound squirrel or a lactating seahorse. It's pretty obvious that you guys are just making stuff up as you go along instead of fulfilling specific needs.

So here you go! This weekend I collected, like, three Hefty-bag's worth of apples that had fallen from the huge apple tree in my back yard. It was a total drag, because the apples were on the ground, and it took forever to get them all, and now my back is killing me. So here's what I need. I need an appleless apple tree. You got that? No, don't just say "yeah," write it down. Appleless apple tree. If you don't write it down you are just going to forget, and then later you'll try to remember and probably get it all wrong and make an appleful apple tree or something. And Lord knows I don't need an appleful apple tree -- I already got one of those, that's the problem.

Once you've created it, send it to

Matthew Baldwin
c/o defective yeti
1467 Park -
Ahhhhh, you know what? Never mind. I'm not going to give you my address. At that big Seattle WTO boondoggle a few years back, there were some hippies who were against genetic engineering, and they dressed up like giant ears of corn with fangs. And I'm afraid that if I gave you my address you'd just carelessly leave it laying around where a giant fanged ear of corn could find it, and I totally don't need that right now. So here's what we'll do: when you've invented the appleless apple tree, drop me an email and we'll arrange a place to meet.

I would also like a glo-in-the-dark pony and a dog that can play basketball. Thanks.

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August 02, 2002

defective yeti's Super Fun Puzzle

What single word is the name of a magazine, a cereal, a board game, and a never-ending series of soul-crushing disappointments which slowly leech away your hope and idealism until you are nothing more than a bitter husk of a man?

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April 04, 2002


Hello, I'm a well-known sports celebrity, here to tell you about an astounding new drug called Zamtrex. Well, I can't really "tell you about" it in the strictest sense of the term due to some pesky FDA regulations which prohibit me from mentioning what conditions Zamtrex treats, if, in fact, it treats any conditions whatsoever, which is also something I can't tell you. But I will say that Zamtrex was developed by top scientists in while lab coats, and that clinical trials have shown that people taking both Zamtrex and an effective stroke-treatment drug show a significant decrease in incidences of strokes.

So at your next checkup, ask your doctor if Zamtrex is right for you. It is, trust me, but you know how doctors are: they like to be asked this stuff. If your doctor says he doesn't know what you're talking about, well, you just ask him again. Keep on asking him. After all, he doesn't need to know what Zamtrex is, he just needs to write you a prescription for it. So don't let up until he agrees to let you have a trial six-pack.

Zamtrex: Quite Possibly Improving Lives.

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January 31, 2002

Doug Peterson

Two Halloweens ago I dressed as "Doug Peterson, Ninja for Hire". I had made no efforts to procure a costume before a party, so at the last minute I just simply put on every piece of black clothing I owned and spent the evening handing out some hastily-made fliers.

I remembered all this while visiting The Official Ninja Homepage: REAL Ultimate Power!!!!!!!!!, which was featured on Memepool.

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January 21, 2002

i saw u

i saw u

I saw U Thurs. at Sam's Bar & Grill. Me: blond, blue eyes, jeans, Hooters t-shirt, approached and suggested that we go to my place so you could check out my hard drive. You: pretty, petite, dark hair, reading "Underworld", said you'd rather eat a thumbtack sandwich than go home with me. I didn't get your number. Call me, drinks? 5099

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January 16, 2002

David Cross

David Cross was one co-creators (along with Bob Odenkirk) of the typically brilliant and often hilarious Mr. Show, which ran for a couple of seasons on HBO. The show is now defunct, and despite Cross's nonstop campaign of cajoling, threatening, insulting and whining, HBO has refused to release the episodes on either tape or DVD. Fed up, Cross did something pretty damn cool: he funded the creation of Mr. Show VHS tapes himself and then gave them to select video stores throughout the USA, stipulating that these outlets must, in turn, allow patrons to check out the tapes for free. In this way he managed to get around the legal rigamarole which prevents him from distributing his own show for profit. Here in Seattle, you can find the Mr. Show episodes tucked away in the New Releases section of the sublime Scarecrow Video.

Cross and Odenkirk will soon have a movie out entitled Run Ronnie Run, which is based on a bit from a Mr. Show episode. Unfortunately, like most flicks based on a single skit, it's rumored to be pretty bad.

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