Junkies On The Bus


January 24, 2005

My Driver Is A Crafty, Crafty Stalker

Junkies ... on boarding the bus! (Note: this post has been corrected.)

{Scruffy man clomps up the stairs and stands vacantly before the driver.}

Bus Driver: Fare is $1.50.

Scruffy Man: I ain't got no money.

Bus Driver: Well, the fare is $1.50.

{Pause while Scruffy Man grapples with cognitive dissonance.}

Scruffy Man: I'm gonna get on the bus.

{Pause while bus driver waits for Scruffy Man to make good on his threat. Scruffy Man stands inertly until he's obviously forgotten what's going on.}

Scruffy Man: Can I get on the bus?

Bus Driver: Well, I ain't gonna kick you off, let's put it that way.

{Long pause while Scruffy Man noodles out the ramifications of this statement.}

Scruffy Man: Where does this bus go?

Bus Driver: Where are you trying to go?

Scruffy Man: Home.

Bus Driver: Where's "home"?

{Scruffy man becomes abruptly alarmed.}

Scruffy Man: Are you asking me where I live?!

Bus Driver: Yeah.

Scruffy Man: Fuck you, asshole!!

[Second, Completely Fictitious Scruffy Man: I shall exit the bus as well.]

{Exeunt Scruffy Man[s]. Doors close, bus leaves the curb, passengers are silent for a few seconds.}

Elderly lady, to no one in particular: That was kind of weird.

Correction: (Note: This correction has errata.) A previous version of this entry accurately reported that only one Scruffy Man was involved in this incident. Shortly after posting, however, I received what could only be described as a flurry of emails from drama majors, Latin scholars, and grammar nerds, all of whom informed me that "exeunt" is, in fact, a plural, and should only be used when two or more people are exiting. I have therefore taken the liberty of inserting a second, gratuitous Scruffy Man into the piece, which I believe solves the problem quite nicely.

Errata: Upon reflection, it occurs to me that the quantity of email I received could also be describes as a "bevy," a "passel," or a "slew".

Update: Someone just wrote and informed me that "errata" is also plural. SHUT UP INTERNET!!

May 03, 2004

Bugle Boys

Junkies ... On The Bus! (Another in a series ...)

JotB: The woman at the clinic said she wasn't gonna give me any more methadone. I told her I was totally fine now, that I didn't have the impulsive behavior or violent thoughts anymore, but she still said no. If she was a man I would'a hit her.
JotB1: ... so I told her, "hey, stop trumpeting my intentions."

JotB2: Trum-peting?

JotB1: You know, like a trumpet. Like, blowing your horn.

JotB2: Blowing your horn?

JotB1: You know, like talkin' shit.

JotB2: Oh sure. I mean, yeah.

March 29, 2004

Happy Birth, uh, Minute?

Junkies ... On The Bus! (Another in a series ...)

JotB1: You got any kids?

JotB2: Yup, two boys. They're twins.

JotB1: Oh yeah? How old?

JotB2: Martin's 25 and Brian's 24.

January 16, 2003


Guys sitting behind me on the bus yesterday:

Guy 1: I hate that guy Alec.
Guy 2: He's a dick.
Guy 1: No kidding. [Pause] I did his girlfriend. Right after they broke up. Whatshername.
Guy 2: Which one? The blond one?
Guy 1: No, the other one. Whatshername. The one with the big tattoo. What was her name?
Guy 2: The tattoo on her belly? Oh yeah, I did her too. What was her name?
Guy 1: I can't remember. But she was wild.
Guy 2: She was totally wild. She stole my truck once. Shit, what was her name?

September 30, 2002

Grammar Tip of the Day: Refrain From Using Dodectuple Negatives
Stoned Guys ... On the Bus!
SGotB#1: I heard that when we attack, uh, Iraq, you know, we're gonna drop so many bombs in three days that no, no one is, is never, nobody is never, none, no one is never [inhales] so many bombs that no, no, no one is never going, never, no one is never going to fuck with the US again.
SGotB#2: Shit!
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