April 03, 2007

Passé Pix


Received: Mon, 2 Apr 2007 03:55:41 +0100
Subject: Britney spears pussy pix!!
Man, I kind of feel sorry for this guy. It must be like trying to sell rotary phones.

[ link | Spam]

September 25, 2006

The Long And The Short Of It



Dear friend,

I hope that this mail will not be an embarrassment to you. Listen and read carefully, I found your contact from a business journal and that is why I have decided to involve you in this transaction.

I was a woman of substance and of great importance to my nation and the society in general. I will not entertain any act of unseriousness from you in this transaction. You must take instructions from me at blah blah blah blah ...

You know why I have never fallen for this scam? Because I get bored and drift off to play Funny Farm by the second paragraph. Apparently these swindles only work if you include more back-story than Lost.

If someone just wrote "HEY YOU PAYPAL ME $10,000 AND I WILL IMMEDIATELY PAYPAL YOU $1,000,000,000,000 FOR COMPLICATED REASONS THIS IS TOTALLY NOT A TRICK!!!" I might actually do it. If only out of gratitude that the email wasn't as freakin' long as Infinite Jest.

[ link | Spam]

November 10, 2005

$eason$ Greeting$!!

I'm really looking forward to the upcoming holiday season. In the past I always dreaded the whole Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year's troika. But ever since I signed up to be a Conversational Spammer back in August, every party is a chance for me to pull in the big bucks. I can't believe how much money I made in October, what with Halloween-related events nearly every weekend day. Everytime I spam a conversation: two cents, ka-ching! Do it enough an it really adds up!

Girl dressed as sexy nurse: That's a great costume. How did you make the arms?

Guy dressed as a robot: I bought some of that flexible culvert tubing from the hardware store and just spray-painted it silver. I came out a lot better than I expected, to be honest.

Me: Great conversation! Keep up the good work! Enlarge your penis. penis pills emporium dot net."

{I wander over to another conversation.}

Guy dressed as zombie: ... was a big fan of Firefly, but, I dunno. It seemed kinda boring to me.

Guy dressed as Mexican wrestler: But the special effects were so much better. And they finally answered some questions about the characters.

Guy dressed as zombie: I guess. Maybe I'm just so used to seeing 40-minute episodes that the two hour movie felt too long to me.

Me: You can't win if you don't play! online hyphen poker hyphen parties dot us!

{I wander over to another conversation.}

Girl dressed as a cat: ... being a total bitch, and I'm not going to --

Me: lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com. lowest mortgage rates dot com.

{I wander off.}

Oh course, these were all parties with complete strangers, so who knows if they actually went to the URLS. Thanksgiving and Christmas are full of gatherings with families, and I bet my potential for earning will really go up in that environment.
Uncle Aldo: [Taking the bowl of stuffing] Well, this is for me. What are the rest of you going to eat?


Grandma Sharon: Oops, I forgot the cranberries. I'll just run into the kitchen ....

Uncle Don: No no, I'm already up. You stay put and I'll go grab them.

Me: Want to see me naked? X x x hyphen nude hyphen webcams dot net.

{Awkward silence.}

April 12, 2005

Spam Update

Out of curiosity I dug around in my gmail Spam folder a bit and found three legitimate messages squirrelled away in there. I labelled them "Not Spam," but since then gmail has been all pissy, like, "well well, look who's the expert on Bayesian filtering. Maybe you'd just like to sort your own email, Mr. I'm-better-at-identifying-spam-than-100,000-servers." So now all "Sma|lCap c0mpany in the right sect0r" announcements go right to my Inbox. I'm not sure what to do now. Maybe if I sent gmail some flowers and an "I'm Sorry" e-card?

Also! remember how I was whining about all the comment spam this site receives? Problem solved. I installed MTModerate [info] over a week ago, and nary a single comment spam has slipped by yet. NARY I SAY! So far it's been 100% effective in completely blocking comment spam, which is pretty great but, if I had my druthers, it would just strip the URLs out of the submissions and leave the comment text, since most of them say things like "wow great blog keep up the good work" and, frankly, my ego always appreciated the boost.

July 08, 2004

Regrets, I've Had A Few

I get spam.

Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 19:04:31 +0400
Subject: These XXX pics are so hot you will regret not looking at them!!
Wow. I can only imagine.

Dr. Wallace: I believe we're ready, Dr. Yorn. Would you like to make the first incision?

Dr. Yorn: Hmm?

Doctor Wallace: The first incision, doctor?

Dr. Yorn: The -- oh, yes. Yes yes, right. Uh, let's see ... where's my scalpel? Oh, I'm holding it, hah hah.

Dr. Wallace: If you don't mind me saying so, your head doesn't really seem to be in the game today, Dr. Yorn. Are you okay?

Dr. Yorn: Oh, I'm fine, I guess. It's just ... I got an email this morning with some XXX pics, and, well, I deleted it unread. And now I kind of regret not looking at them, you know?

Dr. Wallace: The ones from alfernandezov at alderwild dot com?

Dr. Yorn: Yes, exactly!

Dr. Wallace: I got that email too. Oh man -- you missed out, bro. Those XXX pics were so hot.

Dr. Yorn: Damn it!

[ link | Spam]

June 05, 2004

Friday Afternoon Scrachpad

Another Item On My Lifetime 'To-Do' List

Establish a retirement community for washed-up comedians and call it "Wise Acres"

Our Product Will Make Your Teeth Fall Out

From: Lamar <>
Subject: DREAMS


To: Lamar <>
Subject: Re: DREAMS

Thanks for the email, Lamar, but that sounds like overkill. If you ever invent something that can make just some of my dreams come true -- those involving flying, for instance -- while skipping over the ones where I haven't done the required reading for a geography exam or I'm being chased by The Wiggles, feel free to write me again.



Do not start playing Bowman because then you will not stop playing Bowman.

This shareware text editor is pretty great.

Nigritude Ultramarine.

Hoisted By His Own Petard

In a recent interview, Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451, ripped filmmaker Michael Moore for his appropriation of the science-fiction novel's title. "Michael Moore is a screwed asshole, that is what I think about that case," said the 84-year-old writer. "He is a horrible human being -- horrible human!"

In other news, the latest issue of Rolling Stone features an interview with William Shakespeare, in which the Bard of Avon decries Bradbury's use of the phrase "something wicked this way comes." "That mewling cutpurse plucked the title from the pages of my MacBeth direct," carped the long dead poet and playwright, who later went on to describe Bradbury as "sick in the world's regard, wretched and low, a poor unminded outlaw sneaking home."

Speaking Of Which ...

I assumed that someone had already made a porn movie entitled "Something Wicked This Way Comes," but I can't seem to find it via Google. Man, there's a vast untapped market right there: adult films based on the works of William Shakespeare. The Taming Of The Screw. A Midsummer's Night Ream. The Merchant of Penis. The Two Gentlemen of Veronica. And I think we can all agree that Henry VIII could only be improved by the addition of girl-on-girl action.

Update: In the comments, Marcy says: "I took a class ... called Shakespeare, Transnational Cinema, and Mass Media. We had to read entire essays devoted to the use of Shakespeare in porn films. More information is available here and here." The later page includes a review of -- yes! -- The Taming of the Screw. Thanks, Marcy!

November 26, 2003

Don't Believe The Hype


From: Wed Nov 26 16:25:14 2003
Subject: Have great sex with Viagra!!
I tried this and, honestly, the sex wasn't that great. The Viagra pretty much just lay there passively.

[ link | Spam]

November 10, 2003

If You Insist

From the spam filter log.

From: Mon Nov 10 09:57:00 2003
Subject: Matthew,Say Goodbye to Junk Email!
Folder: /dev/null

[ link | Spam]

June 05, 2003


I just received email with the subjectline:

What's a Money Making Cash Cow?
What the hell, is Laffy Taffy sending spam now too?

Contributor of the best punchline in the comments wins a hug.

January 31, 2003

Spam Composition
[ link | Spam]

January 21, 2003

I Have My Doubts


Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2003 16:50:18 -0800
From: Jason Knight
Subject: I want to sell your bagels through our stores

I've spent a lot of time at your website and I think your bagels are perfect for the stores we work with ...

[ link | Spam]

January 06, 2003

My New Year's Resolutions, As Dictated By Spam Subject Lines

To Do in 2003:

Embrace energy markets
Reverse the aging process
Get a huge penis
Order perscription drugs online
Investigate enemies
Lose ten pounds in seven days
Make a fortune on Ebay
See Britney Spears naked
Know the HGH difference
Attract the opposite sex
Get a MBA
Register to win
Get paid to eat snacks
Chat with sexy girls
Earn $50,000
Send bulk email
Do it all night and stay hard
Never work again
Jeeze. I have a busy year ahead of me.

[ link | Spam]

December 13, 2002

Brew Haha


Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 16:22:34 GMT
From: Evan Armstrong <>
Subject: Wish you had lager Breasts?
"Lager breasts"? If that's the upper-torso equivalent of the beer belly then, no, I'll pass.

[ link | Spam]

October 02, 2002

I Win

From my spam filter's log file:

From: Wed Oct 2 09:17:36 2002
Subject: Do You Think of Spam as a Game?
Destination: /dev/null

[ link | Spam]

August 28, 2002

Spam, For The Trash Folder
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 22:24:23 +0800 From: Halina Jameel To: Subject: matthew, For the Ladies
I am totally going to use that at parties.

"Hi, I'm Claire."

"I'm Matthew ... For the Ladies."

[ link | Spam]

June 14, 2002

Signs of the Apocalypse #14

Mr. Cunningham shilling for spammers.

Apparently Bosley also hosts a SMC Infomercial as well. No, that's okay: I wasn't cherishing that childhood memory or anything!

[ link | Spam]

May 31, 2002

Beutiful Chicks Naked

I got a spam email today with the subject line "You like to see beautiful chicks naked!" and while I usually delete such messages unread I couldn't believe how uncannily accurate the sender had been in his prediction. How on earth could someone I have never met possibly know such a thing? He must be using some sort of complex targeted marketing software or something. Anyhow, I was so surprised that I went ahead and read the email and then replied with my credit card number. Boy, if that guy could guess the other two things I like (raspberry sherbet and NASCAR) I would be absolutely astounded.

[ link | Spam]

April 10, 2002

Spam Haiku
Tired of the hype? Add inches to your penis Numbers do not lie.
Yes, it's the Spam Subject Line Haiku Generator.
[ link | Spam]

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