April 03, 2007
Received: Mon, 2 Apr 2007 03:55:41 +0100Man, I kind of feel sorry for this guy. It must be like trying to sell rotary phones.
September 25, 2006
The Long And The Short Of It
To: email@example.comYou know why I have never fallen for this scam? Because I get bored and drift off to play Funny Farm by the second paragraph. Apparently these swindles only work if you include more back-story than Lost.
If someone just wrote "HEY YOU PAYPAL ME $10,000 AND I WILL IMMEDIATELY PAYPAL YOU $1,000,000,000,000 FOR COMPLICATED REASONS THIS IS TOTALLY NOT A TRICK!!!" I might actually do it. If only out of gratitude that the email wasn't as freakin' long as Infinite Jest.
November 10, 2005
I'm really looking forward to the upcoming holiday season. In the past I always dreaded the whole Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year's troika. But ever since I signed up to be a Conversational Spammer back in August, every party is a chance for me to pull in the big bucks. I can't believe how much money I made in October, what with Halloween-related events nearly every weekend day. Everytime I spam a conversation: two cents, ka-ching! Do it enough an it really adds up!
Girl dressed as sexy nurse: That's a great costume. How did you make the arms?Oh course, these were all parties with complete strangers, so who knows if they actually went to the URLS. Thanksgiving and Christmas are full of gatherings with families, and I bet my potential for earning will really go up in that environment.
Uncle Aldo: [Taking the bowl of stuffing] Well, this is for me. What are the rest of you going to eat?
April 12, 2005
Out of curiosity I dug around in my gmail Spam folder a bit and found three legitimate messages squirrelled away in there. I labelled them "Not Spam," but since then gmail has been all pissy, like, "well well, look who's the expert on Bayesian filtering. Maybe you'd just like to sort your own email, Mr. I'm-better-at-identifying-spam-than-100,000-servers." So now all "Sma|lCap c0mpany in the right sect0r" announcements go right to my Inbox. I'm not sure what to do now. Maybe if I sent gmail some flowers and an "I'm Sorry" e-card?
Also! remember how I was whining about all the comment spam this site receives? Problem solved. I installed MTModerate [info] over a week ago, and nary a single comment spam has slipped by yet. NARY I SAY! So far it's been 100% effective in completely blocking comment spam, which is pretty great but, if I had my druthers, it would just strip the URLs out of the submissions and leave the comment text, since most of them say things like "wow great blog keep up the good work" and, frankly, my ego always appreciated the boost.
July 08, 2004
Regrets, I've Had A Few
I get spam.
Date: Thu, 08 Jul 2004 19:04:31 +0400Wow. I can only imagine.
June 05, 2004
Friday Afternoon Scrachpad
Another Item On My Lifetime 'To-Do' List
Establish a retirement community for washed-up comedians and call it "Wise Acres"
Our Product Will Make Your Teeth Fall Out
From: Lamar <firstname.lastname@example.org>
OUR PRODUCT WILL MAKE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE click here!!
Thanks for the email, Lamar, but that sounds like overkill. If you ever invent something that can make just some of my dreams come true -- those involving flying, for instance -- while skipping over the ones where I haven't done the required reading for a geography exam or I'm being chased by The Wiggles, feel free to write me again.
This shareware text editor is pretty great.
In a recent interview, Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451, ripped filmmaker Michael Moore for his appropriation of the science-fiction novel's title. "Michael Moore is a screwed asshole, that is what I think about that case," said the 84-year-old writer. "He is a horrible human being -- horrible human!"
In other news, the latest issue of Rolling Stone features an interview with William Shakespeare, in which the Bard of Avon decries Bradbury's use of the phrase "something wicked this way comes." "That mewling cutpurse plucked the title from the pages of my MacBeth direct," carped the long dead poet and playwright, who later went on to describe Bradbury as "sick in the world's regard, wretched and low, a poor unminded outlaw sneaking home."
Speaking Of Which ...
I assumed that someone had already made a porn movie entitled "Something Wicked This Way Comes," but I can't seem to find it via Google. Man, there's a vast untapped market right there: adult films based on the works of William Shakespeare. The Taming Of The Screw. A Midsummer's Night Ream. The Merchant of Penis. The Two Gentlemen of Veronica. And I think we can all agree that Henry VIII could only be improved by the addition of girl-on-girl action.
Update: In the comments, Marcy says: "I took a class ... called Shakespeare, Transnational Cinema, and Mass Media. We had to read entire essays devoted to the use of Shakespeare in porn films. More information is available here and here." The later page includes a review of -- yes! -- The Taming of the Screw. Thanks, Marcy!
November 26, 2003
Don't Believe The Hype
From: email@example.com Wed Nov 26 16:25:14 2003I tried this and, honestly, the sex wasn't that great. The Viagra pretty much just lay there passively.
November 10, 2003
If You Insist
From the spam filter log.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org Mon Nov 10 09:57:00 2003Goodbye.
June 05, 2003
I just received email with the subjectline:
What's a Money Making Cash Cow?What the hell, is Laffy Taffy sending spam now too?
Contributor of the best punchline in the comments wins a hug.
January 31, 2003
January 21, 2003
I Have My Doubts
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 2003 16:50:18 -0800
January 06, 2003
My New Year's Resolutions, As Dictated By Spam Subject Lines
To Do in 2003:Jeeze. I have a busy year ahead of me.
December 13, 2002
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 02 16:22:34 GMT
"Lager breasts"? If that's the upper-torso equivalent of the beer belly then, no, I'll pass.
October 02, 2002
From my spam filter's log file:
August 28, 2002
Spam, For The Trash Folder
Date: Wed, 28 Aug 2002 22:24:23 +0800 From: Halina Jameel To: email@example.com Subject: matthew, For the Ladies
I am totally going to use that at parties.
"Hi, I'm Claire."
"I'm Matthew ... For the Ladies."
June 14, 2002
Signs of the Apocalypse #14
Mr. Cunningham shilling for spammers.
Apparently Bosley also hosts a SMC Infomercial as well. No, that's okay: I wasn't cherishing that childhood memory or anything!
May 31, 2002
Beutiful Chicks Naked
I got a spam email today with the subject line "You like to see beautiful chicks naked!" and while I usually delete such messages unread I couldn't believe how uncannily accurate the sender had been in his prediction. How on earth could someone I have never met possibly know such a thing? He must be using some sort of complex targeted marketing software or something. Anyhow, I was so surprised that I went ahead and read the email and then replied with my credit card number. Boy, if that guy could guess the other two things I like (raspberry sherbet and NASCAR) I would be absolutely astounded.
April 10, 2002